G17Z 
N4823 Com 


Newton, Harry Lee 
The coming champion, 


Contents: 
The coming champion. 
The darktown fire brigade, 
Memphis Mose, war gorrespondent, 
The puglilist and the lady. 
Shylock Bones. 
What happened to Hannah, 


PP ices Cente: 


SENISON'S 


BLACKFACE 


T- SERIES 


The Coming 
Champion 


BEE ka 
T.S.DENISON mSOMPAS, 
PUBLISHERS — | 
Picconiite ucieseieeeeieipeaaens 


MINSTREL WIN DOW CARDS 
In Two Colors q 


Minstrel Bones 


Minstrel Tambo 


4 Boy DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers . 


one size only. On account of the labor 


3 
Two handsome desions' to be used — 


in minstrel show advertising, each in & 
two. colors, mounted on heavy white ; — 
cardboard, measuring 11 by 17 inches. eS 
Made €xclusively for our customers — 
and not obtainable elsewhere. Suitable © 
for window or showroom display. 
Sufficient space is left at bottom of 
cards for announcing date and place 
of show. 


Please note: We do not imprint 
window cards, but the work may be 
done by a local printer, or the cards 
may be hand-lettered. We do not ) 
handle any other designs than those fom 
listed here. Window cards come in 


and expense of packing and mailing, 
each order must be for at least one 
dozen cards. Quantity orders may be 
assorted. Be sure to specify designs — 
wanted. 


The Designs 


Minstrel Bones, in black and yellow » ® 
minstrel Tambo, in black and red Ke 


Prices 


Per 50, Postpaid......agme----- 8.75 
Per 100, Postpaid... 4 reese e 15.00 


~ ae 
= oo 


623 S. Wabash Ave, CHICAGO | 


The Coming Champion 


RecQuonkh DvsoKETCH WITH A 
BURLESQUE BOXING 
BOUT 


BY 


HARRY L. NEWTON 
AUTHOR OF 


‘* Breakfast Food tor Two,’’ ‘‘A Bundle of Burnt Cork Co-nedy,'’ 
‘*4 Cold Finish,’”’ ‘‘ Doings of a Dude,’’ ‘‘A Dutch Cocktail,’ 
‘‘Fresh Timothy Hay,’ ‘‘The Heiress of Hoetown,’’ ‘‘Glickman 

the Glazter,’’ ‘‘Hey, Rube!’ ‘‘Jayvitle Junction,’’ ‘‘ Marriage 
and After,’’ ‘‘Mr. and Mrs. Fido,’ ‘‘One Sweetheart for 
Two,’’ ‘‘Oshkosh Next Week,’ ‘‘O’Toole’s Battle of 
Ante-Up,’’ “ Pickles for Two,’ ‘‘The Pooh Bahot 
Peacetown,’’ ‘‘St and I,’ ‘‘A Special Sale," 
“A Tramp With a Tramp,’ ‘‘The Troubles 
of Rozinski,’’ ‘‘Two Jay Detectives,” 
““Uncle Bill at the Vaudevitle,’’ 
and ‘‘Words to the Wise.”’ 


as 


MADH IN U. S. A. 


CHICAGO 
T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 
PUBLISHERS 


THE COMING CHAMPION 


CHARACTERS: 


ALEXANDER "WHITE \..35.cloe. 45 telieuaiee ya eae A Waiter 
WOOLITTLE) BUAGK ¢ii1s.cent. Ne maa fa ae A Fight Promoter 


T1iME—Today. 


TIME OF PLayinc—About Twenty Minutes. 


COSTUMES. 


WHITE—Long white apron and waiter’s white coat. Face 
made up very black. Droll in speech and action, using strong 
negro dialect. 

Biack—Flashy suit, loud tie, low shoes displaying socks 
of bright color. Face made up brown (mulatto). Quick in 
speech and action and affecting the genteel. 


STAGE DIRECTIONS. 


R. means right of the stage; C., center; FR. C., right cen- 
ter; L., left; Rk. D., right: door; L.D.; left doorveteaiae 
first entrance; U. E.,; upper entrance, etc|; DY Fiadoorem 
flat or scene running across the back of the stage; | G., first 
groove, etc. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. 


COPYRIGHT, 1910, BY T. S. DENISON & COMPANY. 
2 


THE COMING CHAMPION 


ScENE: A cheap restaurant. Door C. Table covered with 
red and white tablecloth, dishes, etc., R. of C. Chair at each 
side of table. Telephone on table. 


At rise of curtain WHITE is discovered seated in chair, 
leaning back, with both feet elevated on table, reading news- 
paper. Then enter BLack, brisk manner. He has a suitcase 
in one hand, in which is a set of boxing gloves. He goes to 
table and slams suit case on tt. 


Brack. Ah, good morning. Reading a paper, aren’t you? 

Wuite. No. I’m takin’ a bath in a half pint of milk, on 
board a ship crossing the Rocky Mountains. 

Brack (laughs). You're all right. (Slaps him heavily on 
back.) You're a bright boy. (Slaps him again.) 

WHITE (wincing from the blows and edging away). I’m 
elad yo’ like me. 

Brack. You don’t know who I am, do you? 

Wuiter. No, and you don’t know who I am, nuther. 

Brack. It doesn’t matter in the least. I like you immense. 
(Swings a heavy blow. at Wuite’s back, but misses as 
WHiteE ducks.) 

Wuite. Say, yo’ got a funny way of likin’ a person. I’m 
glad yo’ don’t love me. 

BiacKk. Oh, that’s merely my way, my boy. I’m going to 
introduce myself. Are you ready? 

WuiteE (rising from chair and backing away). No, sah. 
I ain’t ready. If yo’ slap me dat hard when yo’ don’t know 
me, the Lord knows what yo’ll do to me when yo’ do. 


3 


4 THE COMING CHAD EIN} 


Brack. The introduction shall be painless. My name is 
Doolittle Black, prize fight promoter. Do you get me? 

Waite (rubbing his shoulder ruefully). Yes, sah. I done 
got yo’ de fust time. 

Brack. Good. Now that we are acquainted—oh, by the 
way. This is a restaurant, is it not? (Looks about.) 

WHT Thee eS it 1sest0t 

Biack. The sign outside says it is. 

Wuite. Well, yo’ musn’t believe in signs. 

Brack. [I’m going to take a chance. The table reminds 
me of something to eat. You look like a waiter. I guess Vl 
eat. (Sets suitcase on floor, then sits at table.) 

WHITE. Yo’ guess what? 

Biack}| yeuess dellseat. 

WuitE. Yo’ got some more guesses comin’, 

Buack. Say, what is this, a joke? 

Wuiter. Yo’ said it. This heah cafe am de biggest joke 
I ever saw. 

Brack. Well, you eat here, don’t you? 

Wuite. No, sah. I work heah; but, honest, I don’t eat 
heah. 

BLACK (picks up bill of fare). Say, I’ve got an idea. 

WHITE. Give it to me and I[’ll eat it. 

Back (laughs heartily). That’s a good joke—very funny 
Why don't you laugh? 

Wuirte. I’m too hungry. 

Brack. Hungry? And working in a restaurant? Then, 
why don’t you leave? 

Wuite. I’m too weak. 

BLAck (scans bill of fare). Let me see— 

WHITE (interrupting). Do you wish soup? 

Biack. No. No soup. 

WHITE (goes to side and yells aff stage). No soup! 
(Comes back to table.) 

Biack. Have you any— 

WHITE (interrupting). No, sah—not a bit. 

Biack. Why, you don’t know what I was about to ask 
for. 


THE COMING CHAMPION. 5 


Wuirte. Don’t make any difference—we ain't got it. Will 
yo’ have some soup? 

BLack (impatiently). No—no soup. 

WHITE (goes to side and calls off). No soup. (Comes 
back to table again.) . 

BLAcK (running finger up and down bill of fare). Now, 
what would you say to a nice steak? 

Wier s NOt .aword, Ld jes\seat it 

Brack. Well, you suggest something, then. 

WHITE. Soup? 

Biack (angrily). No! No soup. 

WHITE (goes to side and calls off). No soup! (Comes 
back to table again.) 

Biack. Say, how many times do I have to tell you that 
I don’t want soup? 

Wuirte. I don’t know, sah. What’s de answer? 

Brack (laughs). Oh, it’s no use to get angry. But you 
have interested me in this soup of yours. What kind of soup 
is it? 

Waite. Shadow soup. 

Biack. And what kind of soup is shadow soup? 

Wuite. Well, sah, yo’all takes a chicken and hangs it 
in the sun, set a plate under it and yo’ have shadow soup. 

Brack. Great! But hold on. Suppose it’s a cloudy day 
and there is no sun? 

Wuite. Den dere am no soup, 

Brack. Well, well; I'll pass up the soup question. 1! 
don’t want any. 

Wuite. Maybe your brother would like some soup. 

Biack _ I have no brother. 

Waite. Well, if yo’ did have a brother, would he want 
some soup? 

Biack (laughs). You’re a bright boy. Have you got a 
brother ? 

Wuirte. Sure. I got three brothers. Two livin’ and one 
married. 

Brack. Oh, go on. 


6 THE COMING CHAMPION. 


Wuite. Yo’ know one of mah brothers was a street car 
conductor for ten years. He had a “pull” wid de company, 
but yesterday he done git discharged. 

Brack. Discharged? Why, you just said he had a “pull.” 

Wuirte. He did, but he didn’t use it on de cash register. 

BUAGKION HL SEC: 

Wuite. So did de company. 

Brack. Have you any children? 

Waite. Yes, sah. I done got one. It talks all de time. 

Brack. Boy or girl? — 

WuitrE. What's de use askin’ foolish questions? Didn't 
I say it taiked all de time? 

Biack. I see again. Then you must be married if you 
have a child. 

Wuite. Sure, I done got a wife. 

Buiack. * That’s nice. I wish I had one. 

Wuite. Yo’ kin have mine. 

Brack. What? Aren’t you happy? 

Wuitre. I’m happy, I reckon. Yo’ know my wife am de 
commander-in-chief in de house. 

Brack. And what are you? 

Wuite. I’m only de paymaster. 


(Telephone bell rings.) 


Buack. I'll bet that’s for me. (Puts receiver to ear, 
speaks in phone.) Hello! Hello! Yes, this is Black. What? 
Yes, I told you I’d wait here till you called up. (Excitedly, 
after a short pause.) What’s that? Broke his arm? Give me 
that again. Say, don’t tell me that. Why, the fight will have 
to be called off. He can’t fight with a broken arm. Find 
somebody else to take his place? Say, don’t talk silly That's 
impossible. That fight comes off in a week—hold on, man; 
don’t ring off—here, just a minute. (Jerks hook up and 
down several times, then yells in phone.) Hello! Hello! 
Just a minute—don’t go. (Hangs up receiver, disgustedly. ) 
Well, what do you think of that for hard luck. (Turns té 
Wuite.) Wouldn’t that make you tired? 

Wuirte. Yes, sah. I done been tired fo’ a week. 

BLACK (rises and paces back and forth excitedly) Just to 
think. We had everything arranged for this big prize fight 


THE COMING CHAMPION. 7 


—championship battle of the world, mind you—and now 
Sam Jackson’s gone and broken his arm. Isn’t that a nice 
oickle to be in? 

WuiteE. Dat sure am too bad, sah. 

Brack. Too bad? It’s worse than that. Just think of it. 
Sam Jackson, colored champion of the world—can’t fight. 
(Stops suddenly as 1f struck with an idea, looks at WHITE 
from head to foot.) By George! I’ve got it. You are just 
the man! 

WHITE ERE What—what’s de matter? 

Brack. You shall take Sam Jackson’s place and fight for 
the championship of the world. Were you ever in a fight? 

Waite. Well, I had a fight once, but I wasn’t in it. 

BLacK. Can you fight? 

Wuite. No, sah. But ’m a darn good runner. 

Buiack (close to WuitTE, feels of his arms, thumps him in. 
chest, etc.) Great! Immense! Wonderful! (Slaps him m 
jaw.) Solid asa rock. (Holding him, jabbing and slapping 
biz. ) 

WHITE (trying to get away). Goon, man. What yo’ try- 
ing to do to me? 

Biack. Simply testing you, my boy. I used to think 
there was but one perfect man in the world—but you—say, 
you've got it all over Sam Jackson. You've got no business 
being a waiter. You are the coming champion, my boy. 

WHITE (moving toward door). No, sah. Yo’ am wrong. 
I’m the goin’ kid, Mister Man. 

BLtack. Come back here. Fortune is knocking at your 
door. 

WHITE (near exit). Jes’ tell Fortune I ain’t in. 

Brack. Oh, nonsense! Do you realize what it means to 
your All you got to do is lick the other fellow—that’s all. 

Wuite. Suppose the other fellow won’t allow me to 
lick him? 

Brack. He can’t help himself. You'll put him to sleep 
with one punch. 

Wirte. Say, if you'll put him to sleep first, I'll agree 
to deliver de punch, otherwise I stick to mah present situ- 
ation. 


8 THE COMING CHAMPION, 


Brack. It’s a cinch, I tell you. Come here. (WHITE comes 
to table.) Now take off that coat and apron. (Takes off his 
own coat and vest.) 

Wuite. I’m purty comfortable like de way I is, sah. 

Brack (rolling up shirt sleeves). Take ’em off or V’'ll do 
it for you. 

WuiteE ¢takes coat and apron off while speaking). Yo 
got a kind of fierce way about yo’ what I don’t admire. 

BLACK (opening suitcase.and getting out boxing gloves 
while speaking). I’m glad to see you’re open to argument. 
(Throws pair of gloves at Wuite.) Those are yours. 

WHITE (picking gloves up). Many, many thanks, sah. 
(Starts for door with gloves.) 

Biack. Hold on—come back here. 

Wuite. What fo’? (Near exit.) 

Brack. Why, I’m not through with you yet. The auspi- 
cious moment has arrived. (Puts gloves on hands.) 

Wuite. Looks like de suspicious moment to me. 

Brack. I must see if you are there with the gloves. 

Wuite. No, sah. I am heah wid de gloves, and I con- 
sider dat I shall remain heah. 

Biack. Your training starts immediately. It will consist 
of running and boxing. 

WuHirte. - Yes, sah. I reckon Vill start de funningparc 
now. 

Biack. No, you won’t. You come here and box with me. 
I want to see if you can knock me down. 

Wuite. Yo’ nevah done nothin’ to me. I don’t want to 
knock you down. 

Brack. Cut out the talk—cut it out. You will put on 
those gloves and we will spar three three-minute rounds. If 
I kill you I will give you a hundred dollars. 

WuHiteE (blinks his eyes in terror). Boss, I don’t need a 
hundred dollars dat bad. Jes’ give me two bits and [ll cali 
it square. 

Biack. Oh, I won’t kill you. Come on, now—on with 
the gloves. (Assumes fighting attitude.) 


THE COMING CHAMPION. 9 


WHITE (putting gloves on in awkward manner). Boss, 
I’ll put dem on, but honest, I don’t see a bit of hope fo’ mah 
future. (They move table back out of the way.) 

Brack. Now put up your hands. 

WuiteE (puts both hands high above head). Yas, sah. 

Brack (jabs him in face). You rummie. I could knock 
your block off if I wanted to. 

WuiteE (taking gloves off and throwing them on floor in 
disgusted manner.) Lord sakes! Fust yo ’tell me to put up 
mah hands, den yo’ punch mah nose ’cause I do. 

Brack. Oh, I was only kiddin’. Put the gloves on again. 
That was merely the first lesson in the school of boxing. 

Waite (rubbing nose ruefully, then holding one hand up 
and snapping fingers). Teacher, can I go out? 

Brack. No. Just wait a minute and [ll knock you out. 
Put on those gloves. 

WHITE (putting on gloves). Yo: know mah-hands ain’t 
cold. I don’t need no gloves. 

Biack. Now, then, are you ready? (Fighting pose.) 

WuiteE. I is and I ain't. 

Biack. Oh, by the way. Does your wife know where to 
send for you? 

WuitrE. She nevah sends fo’ me. 

Biack. She will today. ((/akes two or three feints, then 
slaps WHITE on jaw.) Say, you want to stop those blows, 
you know. 

Wuirte. Stop ’em? Lordy sakes, I done did stop it. 
(Rubs jaw.) 

Brack. I mean with your hands or arms, you rummie. 
Now look out. (Dances around Wuitet, then plants two or 
three stinging blows on neck and face, then stops disgust- 
edly.) Oh, say, this is too easy. Whoever told you that you 
were a fighter? 

Waite. Yo’ did. 

Brack. I was sure mistaken. Now try and hit me. 
(Dances about, ducking, etc.) 

Waite (after vainly trying to hit BLACK). Say, boss, fo’ 
Lord’s sake, stand still. I can’t hit yo’ if yo’ fly around like 
dat. 


10 THE COMING CHAMPION. 


Biack. That’s the scientific part of it. Now, see how 
easy I can hit you. (Soaks WHITE in eye.) , 

WuiteE (holding gloves to eye). Hold on, boss. Hold on. 
Have yo’ all got a match ? 

Brack. A match? What in the world do you want of a 
match ? 

Wuite. My lamp is out. 

Brack. Well, I might as well put out the other one, then. 
(Dances about Wutte, landing blows on various parts of 
the body, WHITE covering and trying to evade them.) Come 
on. Don’t act like an old woman. Come on and toe the 
scratch. 

Wuite. Which scratch? Land sakes, I’m all scratches. 

Brack. [ll show you. Here’s a good one. (Punches 
WHITE in stomach and Wuite falls to floor.) How'd you 
like that one? 

WHITE (sitting up with both hands on stomach). Don’t 
talk to me. I’m seasick. (Lays flat on floor, looking up.) 
My, how high the sky is today. 

Brack. Well, come on and get up. | can’t hit you down 
there, 

Wuite. Why can’t yo’? 

Brack. It’s against Rule Five, Marquis of Queensbury, 
to hit a man when he’s down. 

WuiteE. Gosh, I’m glad of dat. I’m goin’ to stay right 
where I is. I sure do like dat rule. 

Brack. We'll call that the first round, and now get up 
for the second round. 

Wuite. I reckon [ll fight the second round accordin’ to 
Rule Five, Mar’Cause of Goosberry. I sure am fond of dat 
rule. 

Brack. No. Get up. 

Wuitr. What’s de use? Yo'll knock me down again. 
(Rises slowly to feet.) 

Brack. All champions have to get trimmed when they 
are beginners. Remember, you are the coming champion. 


‘WHITE. Yes, sah. 


(Now ensues about a minute of burlesque boxing, during 
which BLACK hits WHITE at will, knocking him about stage. 


THE COMING CHAMPION. 11 


WHITE meanwhile trying to hit BLacK, then ending by fall- 
ing to floor without actually being struck by BLACK.) 


Waite (holding up hands). Rule Five! Rule Five! 

Brack. Rule nothing. You fell down without me knock- 
ing you down. You're a fine fighter. Why, you can’t fight 
a little bit. 

WHITE (rising quickly to feet). Yo’ think I can’t, eh? 
(Pulls off collar and tte, rolls up shirt sleeves, then rolls up 
legs of trousers to knees.) Yo’ think I can’t fight, eh? Say, 
does yo’ wife know where yo’ is? (Swings right and soaks 
BLAckK im neck.) Am dere any final message dat yo’ wish 
sent to de loved ones at home? (Swings left and soaks 
BuLack on side of head.) 

Biack (backing away). Here, here. Hold on. 

WuHite (following him closely). Yo’ want to stop some 
of these. (Uppercuts BLack.) Come on and scratch de toe. 

BLAcK (trying to evade the shower of blows). Let me 
explain—let me explain. 

Wuite. Yo’ done gone explained a while back. Now it’s 
mah turn to explain. (Soaks Brack.) Say, whoever told 
yo’ dat yo’ was a fighter? (Soaks him again.) Oh, dis am 
too easy. 


(Now ensues a repetition of the previous burlesque bo.x- 
mg, only this time WHuite lands all the blows, knocking 
BLAcK about stage, kicking him, etc., ending by BLAcK fall- 
ing to floor froma shower of blows. He lays prostrate there. 
Wuite takes off one glove and slams it down on BLACK.) 


Wuitrt. There, doggone you! Take dat! (Takes off 
other glove and slams that down on BLacK.) And also like- 
wise and forthwith take dat, too. (Puts one foot on BLACK’s 
form, raises one hand high above head, posing effect.) De 
comin’ champion has came. 


QUICK CURTAIN, 


Denison’s Black-Face Series 


Price, 25 Cents Each, Postpaid 
A DARK SECRET 


Colored farce of mystery, by Jeff Branen; 4 males, 
1 female. Time, 30 minutes. This Screaming story 
of the adventure of a negro detective and his dusky 
assistant has made thousands roar when presented 
on the professional stage, and is now available in 
print for amateurs everywhere. Three characters 
are white-face. 


THE BOOSTER CLUB OF BLACKVILLE 


A colored comedy concoction, by Harry L. Newton; 
10 minutes. Time, 25 minutes. A political burlesque 
with the funniest negro cast of characters imagin- 
able. They are all running for some kind of an 
office; judge, chicken inspector, razor inspector, crap 
game inspector, etc. Particularly suitable for a 
minstrel afterpiece. 


A HENPECKED COON 


Darky monologue, by Arthur LeRoy Kaser; 1 male. 
Time, 10 minutes. Ephraneous is unpleasantly 
aware of the fact that he has a wife, and he ap- 
peals to all married men for sympathy. The recital 
of his grievances against his better half is just one 
laugh after another. 


AXIN’ HER FATHER 


Farce, by O. E. Young; 2 males, 3 females. Time, 
25 minutes. Old Peppercorn, very deaf, has three 
daughters, Priscilla, Pamela and Polly. Augustus, 
Priscilla’s suitor, attempts to ask the old man for 
permission to marry her. Peppercorn, failing to 
understand him, and thinking he is insulted, begins 
the fun. The excitement multiplies with each suc- 
ceeding incident. 


WHAT YOU GOT? 


Blackface comedy act, by Wade Stratton; 2 males. 
Time, 15 minutes. Julius, a’ “cullud gem manos 
curious about the contents of Billius’ jug. His 
curiosity costs him ‘“fo’ bits foh one li’l’ measly 
shot’”’ and the discovery that Billius has been trying 
it on the dog. 


ONE HAMBONE FOR TWO 


Controversial talking act, by Arthur LeRoy Kaser; 
2 females. Time, 10 minutes. Two “cullud” ladies 
engage in a polite duel for the heart and hand of 
one Hambone Johnson. Miss Dingleberry, who puts 
on airs, is sure of her conquest, but it takes Miss 
Wringer, the lowly laundress, to bring home the 
bacon—not to mention the ham! 


T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, 623 S. Wabash Ave., Chicago 


-Face Series 


Price, 25 Cents Each, Postpaid 
LOVE AND LATHER 


Farce, by O. E. Young; 3 males, 2 females. . Time, 
35 misutes. Christopher Columbus Johnson, pro- 
prietor of a barber shop, forbids his son, Abe Lin- 
coln, to see Victoria, as Christopher has quarreled 
with her mother, Mrs. Confusion Smith. She and 
Victoria come to the shop in turn and are concealed 
in the barber chairs and their faces lathered. 
Crowded with fun. 


DE MELANCHOLY EVOLUTION OF ME 


Blackface monologue, by Jeff Branen; 1 male. 
Time, 10 minutes. A broken-down negro actor tells 
the side-splitting story of his experience with an 
Uncle Tom’s Cabin troupe that turned itself into a 
circus side show in a vain effort to keep from strand- 
ing. A Kansas cyclone dealt the final blow. Fine 
material for a clever negro impersonator. 


NO SENSE, NOHOW 


Negro talking act, by Arthur LeRoy Kaser; 2 
males. Time, 15 minutes. A merry skit for two 
‘blackface comedians, with laughs well apportioned, 
neither character being a feeder. The ragtime dis- 
pute in the “‘Fizzle-Fuzzle language’’ is a scream. 
Chance for song or dance specialty. 


THEY’RE IN AGAIN 


Talking skit, by Arthur LeRoy Kaser; 2 females, 
Time, 15 minutes. Two ‘‘cullud ladies’ meet on the 
street and have a heated argument over the cause 
of their husbands being in jail. Can be played by 
women, or by men in feminine attire, A hilarious 
negress comedy. 


THE MYSTERIOUS SUITCASE 


By Arthur LeRoy Kaser; 2 males. Time, 15 min- 
utes. Sam has to carry Harry’s grip, and both ne-. 
groes have a laughable time trying to Keep the mys- 
tery from-leaking out. The fact that they stop to 
rest near a cemetery also gives Sam cause for seri: 
ous thinking. 


STICK TO YOUR WORD, GAL 


Farce by O. E. Young; 4’ males, 1 female. Time, 
30 minutes. Pa Skipton, Pocahontas, his daughter, 
her admirers, Bill Prettyman, Dr. Squizzle and Elder 
Snuffle. This piece is full of rollicking humor and 
odd situations and is just the thing for a “wind up” 
to send everyone home happy. 


te 4 T: S. DENISON & COMPANY, 623 S. Wabash Ave., Chicago 


-  -VII—426 


*- <1 -ean“be obtained complete. from the publishers. 


ae 
‘A..choice eof five complete routines, ¢xpertly piety a tena 9” 
the convenience of inexperienced amateur minstrel directors. and others seé 
-modeétn, pr pee constructed first-part.- Instead of being a volume” of “musct 
neous cross from which to pick and. choose, each ‘book’ gives an exact + 
cedure to be followed in staging a sure-fire. first-part—complete ‘dialogue .and 
instructions for action ‘and. stage business from rise “of»curtain to gra 


These books will prove a salvation forthe many amateur minstrel troup 
lack the ‘personal counsel and guidance of an experienced director: _ 

professional in style, yet entirely practical for amateurs, and give: bie 
tunity for localized jokes. ..Written to order especially “for “troupes” 
stage an expertly: routined show at.a nominal °cost. de 


Each first-part will consume. about one hour and can be deed for ‘a tro pe 
any sizé, large or small; Music is not included, but the KeabesNS song = 


Swanee Minstrel First-Part,. by John E. Tawra” Price, 25 Ce 
Dixie Minstrel First-Part, by John E. LaWTrence. «ois .Prite; 25-6 
Jubilee Minstrel First-Part, by John EF; Lawrenée. + 2s PRICE, 20 Cet 
Aiabama Minstrel First-Part, by Arthur Le Roy Kaser. Price, < “26 Cel 
Darktown. Minstrel First-Part, by Wade. Stratton. .-°.: Hive, 2 Cer 


‘When Cork Is King 


By Wane Stratton: <A- rich Store of bright, snappy wate ae as “pull 
“ap .a minstrel show. and’-affording, lively chatter for first-part and” apt 
veniently arranged with subdivisions under which, are assorted first-part 
end gags-and comebacks; end jokes for.fémale minstrels; minstrél mi 
‘| clading verses, conundrums*and. short bits of.catchy humor; seven Wand 
| logues; three. fast blackface skits, Price, reeeny, & 


How to Stage a Minstrel. ‘Sho = 


By Jerr Beanen and Frepeatck G. Jonnson, This. bddk is to. every ama 
ulinstrel director what blue-prints are to a builder. Explains: moderfr \s1 
minstrels -and novelty minstrels; how. to put the show together; how to. 
the troupe and conduct rehearsals; where to get tmaterial;. the tae 
it discusses first-part, olio, afterpiece, costumes, “make-up, Beas? 2 aaaaie 
-licity, program arrangement, etc, Eight full-peee illustrations showing ¥ 
easy 


first: -part settings: Price, Post 


She 


: Laughland,a Merry Minstrel Boo 


By Harry L. Newton, Over a ‘hundred® pages of endmet ’s jokes, sroseed 
dialogues, conundr ums, .comic verse, vapid repartee, talkin ts, minstrel. 
logues, and stump speeches. A veritable storehouse of burnt cork Eomness 
egteat aid in getting up 2 funny entertainment. of ahteny any _ lescriptio “Wo; 
| many times its cost to the director who is in. oe Noy that fae ‘rot 
prorked to death, * Brice is eS oO’ Ce 


Darktown 


ce 
= 


idade 


Br 


ite 


ee 


(ig gh Wine 


Lait te, 


Pe mere ‘ 
* fsa is as ae eae 
Sper 5b Hero; e Acts, 19 ars 


me Kaeo: Duin 3: ate 4. oats 
dbirs. mpg Se phir Hea ae HDs 
le any. fe SS 
P bal 
' * ae Joan 3" “aes, ‘2h. rd a 
foo Sess Cie Lawersi? 24, hedkOSe) care cx 
. oe i the Golors;-2: acts; ddg~eeee ge 
. On he Lite ii 


Riek og a 5c). ve , 
in a oe Wy Np Fe POG : ae 
a ce €) 10 = 


rss ti i Wp BAG de, 
sat wen 3. acts Ses us. po Pop 


e Noae h 


pe BRS, 2 


fe 4h Hey Sh Oo at 
F poh ay 34h (ssehOpenk 
Se Pvenyauties aicts” 14K" i Cae Oe: 
dace at’ ‘thee “WiitoWs BS Ahteye Pere 
‘eo arsen. Te te Bee as m4 
: Ate ae ya OP 
rain: ‘pian: Podunk i ahs 
Ua Reeser ea 


THE DARKTOWN FIRE 
BRIGADE 


PeviINe Die Den Pie Cr 


BY 
HARRY. Us NEW TON 


AUTHOR OF 
“A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy,’ “The Booster Club of Black- 
ville,” “A Colored Honeymoon,’ “The Coontown Thirteen Club,” 
“The Goodfellow,” “Good Mornin’, Judge,” “The Heiress of 
Hoetown,” “Sayville Junction,’ “Laughland, via the Ha 
Ha Route,’ “Memphis Mose, War Correspondent,” 
“Minstrel Cross-Fire,’ “Oh, -Doctor!” “A 
Rehearsal at Ten,’ “What Hap- 
pened to Hannah,” Etc. 


® 


CHICAGO 
ToS) DENISON & COMPANY 


PUBLISHERS 


THe DarRKTOWN FIRE BRIGADE 


BEN: DUNN: iin ks ee a ee Ce ee The New Chief 
IGNOTT UY ETT: 4) 2c casaae eee eee, eee First Assistant Chief 
WEATINE) STREET ihc oe aoe eee Second -lssistant Chief 
ISNOWSA LITTLE es cute pee ee Third <Issistant Chief 
GONE BACK. Sieh aan oe ee The Captain 
COLDEN -WETIS PAa ae asc ie ere Assistant Captain 
ADSTITTUIS Wake, clase nee ae ee The Lieutenant 
WEDUAND STRONG hae, en ee eee dssistant Lieutenant 
GETTING Aa LONG A) oe re re ie The “Company” 
OE URTY: GOODIG oat gee nee ee Assistant “Company 


SCENE—/nterior of a Fire Engine House. 
TiME—Some Lvening. 
PLacE—Darktown; Some State. 


Timer oF PLayinc—A bout Twenty-five Minutes. 


COPYRIGHT 11s B Yew HINES eee) EL se 


TELE DARKTOWN: FIRE BRIGADE. 3 


COSTUMES. 


Ben Dunn—Misfit Tuxedo suit and fire helmet. On 
coat and vest are a number of burlesque medals (tin tags, 
etc.). Very pompous in manner and speech, as becomes his 
exalted position. 

Knott Yett, MAIne. STREET, KNowsa LITTLE, GONE 
Back, Cotpen Wett, A. LitrLE WEAK and WELLAND 
STRONG all wear misfit evening clothes and fire helmets. 


GETTING A. Lonc—Red woolen shirt, white pants and 
old silk hat. 


O. Purty GoopE—Red woolen shirt, rubber coat and 
boots and large straw hat. 

NoteE—Brn Dunn, Knotr Yetrt, Getrinc A. LONG 
and O. Purty Gooner are the chief comedians. 

GONE Back, CoLpEN Wertrt, A. LirttE WEAK and WEL- 
LAND STRONG should be singers and form the quartette. 


Pi Rt Diao: 


Telephone on table; deck of cards; wooden razor for 
Long; paper money for quartette; pair of dice for Strong ; 
slip of paper, watch, cigar and matches for Dunn; garden 
hose; toy fire engine and hook and ladder ; bugle to be used 
off alee. 


Lt neta t ~ Ge fe “a 4 LC <. 


STAGE DIRECTIONS. 


eeneaneniivnisor stave Ch /centenuaiiC aiiohizeenten; 
ferlett.) Peatitoventrance#) U he. upper entrance; Nrok,:; 
mehteentrancesup stage, etc; hs srishtdoor: Cab yaleit 
door, etc.; D. F., door in flat or back of the stage; up stage, 
away from footlights ; down stage, near footlights ; 1 G., first 
groove, etc. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. 


tear freed, hh. to, ae 4a? Aare fle 


q 


THe DarkKTown Fire BRIGADE 


SCENE: Assembly room in a fire engine house. Box 
setting, with practical door L and large door C., opening on 
street. At center is table four by six feet, eight chars. 
On table is a telephone. On back flat isa large gong, to 
ring at finale. At R. of C. a rope is suspended from fly-loft 
to floor of stage, of sufficient strength to sustain the weight 
of two men. Rope is suggested in place of brass pole seen 
in fire houses and used by firemen to. slide from sleeping 
quarters to assembly room. Fire axes are a part of wall 
decorations, while a couple of fire extinguishers are placed 
about the room. 


At rise, GONE BACK, CoLDEN Wett, A. LITTLE WEAK 
and WELLAND STRONG are discovered seated at table. They 
are playing cards and singing a rollicking song. After song 
they continue their supposed card game. 


Enter Lone and Goope, L. 


Lone (to card players). Look a heah; yo’ all got to stop 
dat card game. 

« GOODE, Yes, dis heah ain’t no gamblin’ joint. Dis ama 
fire engine house company business. (The players pay no 
attention and continue their game.) 

- Lone. ’Course we ain’t doin’ no fire business jes’ now, 
but yo’ kaint never tell. We might has a fire. 

GOODE (sarcastically). Yah; we might. 

Lonc. And o’ course Ah don’t want to be rough or 
nothin’, but if yo’ all don’t stop dat game, Ah jes’ gott-a 
make yo’. 

Back (looking from LonG to GoopE). Was yo’ gemmen 
addressin’ yer vocabulary to us gemmen? 

Wetr. If so, kindly elucidate wid more enraptured 
speech. 

4 


THE DARKTOWN FIRE BRIGADE. 5 


Weak. We are not in de habit of comin’ in direct con- 
tact wid plain liver-lip niggers. 

Stronc. Therefore confine yer immediate and undi- 
vided attention to another part of de adjacent atmosphere. 
(They resume card playing.) 

Lone (looking at the four players and then at Goove). 
Well, yo’ heerd what dey done called yo’. What yo’ gwine 
ter do ’bout it? 

GoopE (doubtfully and scratching head). Ah don’t 
know what yo’ am gwine ter do, but if dey called me names 
like dat, Ah’d make ’em prove it. 

Back (to GoopE). Oh, dat done include yo’, too. 

GoopE (angrily). Does yo’ mean dat? 

Back (springing to his feet threateningly). Ah sure 
does, yo’ smoky chunk of atmosphere! 

GoopE (backing away). Oh, well, dat’s all right, den. 
Ah jes’ didn’t want no foolin’ bout.it. 

Lone (to GoopE). Say, is yo’ gwine ter let him git away 
wid dat? 

Back (threateningly, to Lone). And dat likewise and 
fo’ reasons dat will eventually be disclosed, also takes yo° 
ies ii 98) 

Lone. And Ah hereby, herewith, theréby and hencewith 
declare dat yo’ all don’t play no more cards. 

Back. Where’s yo’ authority fo’ so forcibly provocatin’ 
and conjecturin’ yer denounciation without malice afore- 
thought ? 

Lonc. Right heah. (Pulls large wooden razor from 1- 
side coat.) Dis am mah authority. (Flourishes razor.) 
Dis am mah authority, and Ah’m gwine to separate yo’ all 
from dat talk yo’ been oozin’ out of yer systems. (Scatters 
the card players by cutting and slashing with his razor. 
The four finally get the table between them and Lona.) 

STRONG (pulls a white handkerchief from his pocket and 
waves it; yells). Safety first! Safety first! 

Lone (modified). Well, dat’s all dat saved yo’. How- 
some ever, while Ah’m ’bout it, and has de power of attor- 
ney in mah hand, Ah’m a-gwine ter separate yo’ all from 


6 THE DARKTOWN FIRE BRIGADE. 


whatsome ever money yo may has forthwith and hereby 
on yer persons. 

GOODE (admiringly). Mah goodness! Dat nigger can 
sure sling some language his self. 

LonG (suddenly and sharply to quartette). Hands up! 
Fork over! (Flourishes razor and the members of quartette 
raise their hands above their heads.) 

GoovE (laughing). Gosh all Friday! Dat sure does tickle 
me. Dat nigger dere (indicating WeETT) owes me ten 
dollars. | 

WettT. Does I owe yo’ ten dollars? 

GoopE. Yo’ sure does. 

Wetr. Ah’m mighty sorry. 

GoopE. Yo’ ain’t nine-sixths as sorry as I be. 

-Lonc. Cease! Cease talkin’ and fork over. (He re- 
lieves BACK, WEAK and STRONG of their money and 1s just 
about to put his hand i WETT’S pocket, when :) 

Wert (to Lone). Ah begs yo’ pardon, sah; but could 
Ah put my hand in lun pocket jes tora moment instant ? 

Lone. Yo’ could, but Ah warns yo’ dat said hand must 
come forth unencumbered wid anythin’ in de line of 
weapons. 

Wetr. Oh, dere ain’t a-gwine ter be no weapons. 
(Takes a bill from his pocket. To GoopE.) Yo’ say Ah 
owes yo’ ten dollars? 

GoopvE. Ah so said. 

Wett. Den heah’s yo’ ten. (Hands bill to GoovE.) 

GoovE (takes bill). Ah sure am mighty glad ter meet 
yo’, Mister Ten Bucks. 

Lone (relieves Wett of his money, then turns suddenly 
to GoovE). Hands up, nigger! Gimme dat ten! (Jerks 
bill from GooprE’s hand.) Now we am square all around. 
(GoopvE 1s crestfallen, while the others laugh heartily at his 
discomfiture. ) 

STRONG (raps smartly on table). Gentlemen, please give 
me yer ears. 

GoopE. Dat nigger don got mah money, now dis nigger 
wants mah ears. 

STRONG (pointedly). Now dat it has come ter pass dat 


THE DARKTOWN FIRE BRIGADE. 7 


(names local politician) has, as per usual, grabbed all de 
inoney in sight, it behooves us ter git down to de real busi- 
ness of de evenin’. (LONG takes a pair of dice from a 
pocket and rattles them together in significant manner.) 
No, sah; no crap game. 

WEAK. ‘Specially as de gent wid de razor has all de 
money. 

Wert. In “bout two minutes de new chief and his as- 
sistants will have arrove. 

Back. And therefore, to-wit, let 1t be understood dat 
we gwine ter give him a reception boderin’ on de super- 
abundance, pro-tem, a la mode. (Loud fanfare of a bugle 
sounds off C. Strone runs to C. D. and looks off R.) 

GoopE. Weam pinched. Don’t give yo’ right names. 

STRONG (excitedly). He’s comin’. Horroo fo’ de new 
chief! (The others run to C. D. The quartette line up on 
one side, GoooE and LONG on opposite side. The orchestra 
and quartette burst into a song of welcome as—) 


Yett, STREET and LitTLe enter. They line up alongside 
of GOODE and LoncG and then all joi im a rousing song of 
greeting. Enter DUNN, pompous, lordly fashion, struts 
proudly between the two lines, bowing haughtily right and 
left. He comes down to table, followed by the others, who 
form in an oblique line on either side of him. Then a rous- 
ing three cheers are given for the new chief. An idea to 
augment the entrance of DUNN and to add a “bigness” to 
the affair, it is suggested that a brass band be employed 
when available. For instance, the “town band” would al- 
ways be glad to donate their services. 


Dunn (after the outburst). Gemmen, Ah am deeply 
_ gratificated wid enthusiastics over mah reception. (They 
cheer. He looks inguiringly about the room.) But Ah am 
likewise deeply disappointéd at de disappearance of all dec- 
orations. Where am de flowers? 

GOODE (stepping forward and with a burlesque salute). 
As de chairman of de committee on flowers, Ah begs to 
report dat de price of flowers was cost so much dat we 
has been unable to done git any. 


8 THE DARKTOWN FIRE BRIGADE. 


Lone (stepping forward, saluting awkwardly). Accord- 
ingly we did de next bestest thing. 

Dunn. And what was de next bestest thing? 

Lone. We done bought a package of flower seeds so 
yo’ kin raise yo’ own flowers. (They all cheer and then seat 
themselves. GOoDE and LONG remain standing R. and L. 
of table.) 

DUNN (raps smartly on table). Order, gemmen; order! 

YetT. Make mine gin. 

GoopE. Me, too. 

Lone. Same heah, and I ain’t mad at nobody. 

DUNN (raps smartly on table). Order, gemmen; order! 

YETT (disappointedly). Gosh, I ain’t had no luck fo’ a 
week. 

Dunn. In de bright lexicon of de Darktown Fire Bri- 
gade, der ain’t no sich word as gin. De only liquid we 
must pause to consider am water. Water am used fo’ to 
fight fire wid, dat’s all. (All groan their disappointment.) 

YETRo» Dat seall, slat eea-plenty: 

Dunn. De fust thing Ah like fo’ to promulgate is fo’ 
to see if we all am heah. (Looks them over and then pro- 
ceeds to read their names froma slip of paper. As he reads 
the last name.) And a finer load of nigger never left a 
jail yard. (Looks suddenly at Lonc and Goope.) Fo’ de 
love of flap-jacks! What’s dem two scare-crows? 

Lone (with a comedy salute). Ah’m de only one in as 
fire company dat ain’t a officer. 

Dunn. Den who am dat? (Indicates GoopE.) 

Lone. Dat’s de assistant company. All yo’ officers has 
assistants, so Ah jes’ naturally had to has one. 

STREET (rising). Chief, Ah’d like to know and to ask 
if de engine what was broke has been repaired. 

YETT (rising). It have. I done fixed it mahself. And 
Ah done made a good job of it. Whoever done put it to- 
gether in de fust place, didn’t know dere business. Ah put 
dat engine together and had three pieces left over. 

Dunn. Good! Dat’s de spirit I like to see. 

LittLe. I reckon den we am all ready to has a fire. 

Dunn. Dat’s a matter we knows not of. De way dis 


THE DARKTOWN FIRE BRIGADE. 9 


department has been conducted, dere has been mighty few 
fires. Our citizens has jes’ naturally been afraid to has 
any fires. (Cheers.) But, gemmen, wid me in charge de 
order of things is bound to change. Under my direction 
there will be plenty of fires. (More cheers.) Now, gem- 
men, Ah sees we has wid us tonight fo’ gents dat kin sing. 
Ah shall call on de Darktown Quartette fo’ to untertain us. 
(The quartette may here introduce a song or two. IWWhile 
they are singing GOODE and Lona play craps, rolling the 
dice on the floor at R.) 

DUNN (after song, indicating GoopE and Lona). Heah, 
yo. What yo’ all-a- “doin ? 

GoopE. Jes’ naturally shootin’ craps. 

DuNnN (to GoopE). Come heah, yo’. (GoopdE goes tou 
table.) Gamblin’ in dis fire house am agin de rules and 
regumalations. Yo’ am herewith fined de lofty and inspir- 
ing sum of one dollar—and de half of another. 

Goopr. Fined a dollar-fifty? Lordy, man, Ah ain’t got 
any part of a dollar-fifty. 

Dunn. Den go back and shoot dem dice till yo’ has 
got it. (Phone rings and he places receiver to ear.) Hello!,. 
Yes—hello! Dis am de Darktown Fire Brigade. How’s 
dat? Fire? Where ’bouts am dat fire? Sue Johnson’s mil- 
linery store? Oh, shucks! Yes’ a minute. Hold de wire. 
(Very deliberately sets phone and receiver on table, takes 
a cigar from pocket, slowly takes match out, lights cigar 
and puffs on it several times.) Gemmen, de party at de 
other end of de wire says as how Sue Johnson’s millinery 
store am ali on fire. 

Littte. Good. .Speakin’ as a marrred man, Ah never 
did have any use fo’ one of dem millinery stores. 

STREET. Nor me. 

Yetr. Am also and likewise a married man. 

Back. Ah also has a wife. Let dat store burn. 

DunN (fo all). We'll take a vote. Dose dat wants to go 
to\de fire, say aye; contrary, no. (They chorus.-a loud 
“no.” ) De husbands has it. We don’t go. Now is dere any 
other business dis evenin’? 


10 THE DARKTOWWN BIREVBRIGADE 


Weak. Ah might suggest dat yo’ answer de phone, sir. 

DuNN (hangs receiver on hook). Aw, what’s de use? 
If we don't go dey'll know we ain’t comin’. Now, gemmen, 
according to de rules and regumalations of dis heah de- 
partment, it is necessary fo’ me to ask, as a sort of civil 
service examination, a few questions. Yo must answer 
dese questions to the bestest of your agility; and may de 
good Lord have mercy on yo’ souls! (Yo Yerr.) Stand 
up, Knott Yett. (YrErr remains seated. To YeEtTT, loudly.) 
Say, yo’. Why don’t yo stand up? 

Yetr. Yo’ done tole me to stand up not yet. 

Dunn. Well, Im speaking etimoligally and not spas- 
modically. Stand up! (Yetr rises to feet.) Now, de fust 
question Ah has to ask yo’ is, how far is it from de earth 
to de moon? ) 

Yetr. Ah dont know, but if Ah has fo’ to climb dat 
high on a ladder wid a line of hose, Ah quits right heah. 

Dunn. .Squat! (YErT sits.” Po. Goons)” *Gomeeneans 
yo’ Alabama kidney-foot stick of coal-tar product. (Goop 
approaches table and gives a comedy salute.) It is neces- 
sary accordin’ to de rules to has de same time by yo’ watch 
as by mine. (Pulls watch from his pocket, notes time.) 
shakes it.) Mah watch am stopped. Is yo’ watch goin’? 

GoopE. Goin’? It’s gone. 

DuNN (motions GOODE away, disgustedly. To LONG.) 
Yo’ turn next. Come hither. (LONG approaches table, sa- 
lutes awkwardly.) Now, yo’ don’t look it, but maybe yo’ 
got brains. Who was de Rack president of de United States? 

Lona. Has Ah got ter go dat far back ter be a fireman? 

Dunn. See? I done thought yo’ don't know nothin’ 
‘bout botany. Does yo’ acknowledge dat yo’ don't know 
who de fust president of de United States was? 

Lone. How’s come I don’t know? De fust president 
of de United States was Brooker T. Washington. (4 de- 
risive laugh from all the others follows his Hee 

Dunn. Now Ah’m gwine ter have a hittle pity on yo 
not much, but a littke—and answer vo’ question fo’ yo’, 
De fust president of de United States was George Wash- 
ington. Not Brooker T. \Washington. 


THE ODARKTOWN FIRE BRIGADE. 11 


Lone. Well, Ah knows ‘twas one of dem Washington 
boys. 

-Dunn. Fade away, nigger. (LONG returns to L.) Ah 
got a fine edicated load of coal heah, Ah kin see dat. (The 
phone bell rings.) 

Littte. Mah goodness! Business is sure pickin’ up. 

DuNN (places receiver to ear). Hello; yes, dis am de 
fire house talkin’. What’s dat? Fust time yo’ ever heard 
a fire house talk? Don’t get sassy. Hey? Jes’ a minute. 
Jes’ hold de wire. (Same business of deliberation as be- 
fore of lighting cigar, etc.) Gemmen, de report comes in 
ober de wire dat de Methodist Church am on fire. 

Srronc. - Holy smoke! 

WEAK. Say, what right dey got to has a fire when we 
got a special meetin’? 

Little. Yes, sah. Ah moves dat we insist dat we gits 
thirty days notice fo’ we goes ter a fire. 

Back. Dat ain't no mo’ den right. 

Wett. Dem’s mah views. 

Yetr. Yo’ am all wrong. Dey should be forced to quit 
havin’ any mo’ fires. Dem is troublesome things, fires is. 

GoopE. And dey is liable ter happen in de middle of de 
night; and oh, how Ah loves mah sleep! (Yawns and 
stretches.) 

Lone. Or worser still, in de middle of a nice crap game. 
Oh—oh! | 

STREET. In de meantime de church am burnin, and de 
man on de phone am waitin’. 

Dunn. Yo’ am right. (Leans back, elevates feet on top 
of table and puffs on cigar.) De church am on fire, and 
we must do our duty. (Fimally condescends to place re- 
ceiver to ear.) Hello! No, sah, Ah didn’t say nothin’ like 
a swear word. Ah simply said hello. _Say,.yo’ tell ’em 
ter keep dat fire burnin’ till we gits dere. Good-bye. 
(Hangs up receiver.) 

Yett. Ah moves dat we go home. Ah’m gettin’ pow- 
erful sleepy-like. 

Dunn. Ah am de chief—not yo’. Furthermore, dere 


12 THE DARKTOWN FIRE BRIGADE. 


am one or two questions Ah gotta ask. (To Goope.) As 
fo’ yo’ sah (GOoDE stands up) Ah done heah yo’ been makin’ 
remarks to de effect dat yo’ and George Washington was 
very much alike in character. Yo’ all done make dat re- 
mark? 

GoopE. Yes, sah; Ah done make dat remark. 

Dunn. Dat calls fo’ explanation, sah. George Wash- 
ington was a great fighter. 

GoopE. So am Ah. 

Dunn. George Washington was a wonderful statesman. 

GoopE. So am Ah. 

Dunn. Now Ah got yo’. George Washington never 
told a lie. fo be 

GoopE. And dat’s where Ah got it on him. 

Dunn. Now, gemmen, I think everything am goin’ ter 
be all right. Yo’ all will make a fine bunch of firemen. 
Fo’ de closin’ of our meetin’ dis evenin’, Ah suggest dat 
our worthy bunch of chicken lifters, de quartette, sing us 
another song. 

(The quartette responds, or one or two of the others 
may introduce a specialty or song. While songs are being 
introduced, GoovE and Lone exeunt L. They discard their 
outer clothing and don night gowns, The gowns reach 
about to their knees, disclosing red underwear and green 
socks, but both, however, wear thew hats. At conclusion 
of the song phone bell rings. DUNN very deliberately an- 
swers the call.) j 

Dunn. Hello! Yes, sah; but jes’ wait a minute. Wait 
till Ah lights mah see-gar. (Lights it.) Hello! Now go 
ahead. (E-xcitedly.) What? Say, please repeat dat again! 
What! Yo’ don’t say so! (Drops receiver, turns to others 
excitedly.) Boys, what yo’ all think? De Shonenfest 
Brewery is on fire! 

(All rush madly to C. D. and exeunt, yelling vociferously. 
DUNN pauses long enough to yell. at GoopE and LONG, 
off L., that the brewery is afire, then he dashes off and 
through C. D. Wild yells are heard off L., then GoovE 
and LONG, in might gowns, come sliding down rope. GOODE 


TOE ARK DOWN FIRE BRIGADE. 13 


comes first and falls flat as he hits the floor. Lone slides 
down on top of him. They scramble for an instant, then 
regain their feet; each seizes the string attached to the toy 
fire engine and hook and ladder and together they make 
a mad dash once around stage and through C. D.) 


CURTAIN. 


SECOND CURTAIN. 


Red fire is burned at back C. DUNN is discovered just 
outside of doorway with a garden hose, throwing water on 
GOoDE, who is standing a short distance from him. 


CuRTAIN, 


Denison’s Vaudeville Sketches 


‘‘A laugh ts worth a hundred groans in any market.”’ 


Price, 15 Cents Each, Postpaid 


BREAKFAST FOOD FOR TWO.—Vaudeville sketch, by Harry 
L. Newton; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. Scene: Simple 
interior. Seldom Sells, a drummer for bottled spring water and 
condensed milk, and Carrie Samples, a breakfast food demonstra- 
tor, meet in a small freight office during a snow blockade. Once 
they were friends, but strangers now; however, while appeasing 
their hunger with their samples a reconciliation is affected. This 
sketch is a decided novelty and one of the most choice morsels of 
humor ever served. 


THE CABMAN AND THE LADY.—Vaudeville sketch, adapted by 
William D, Emerson; 2 males, 1 female. Time, 30 minutes. Played 
a number of seasons with great success by ‘‘Hmerson, Caffray and 
Emerson.” It is a scream. 


A COLD FINISH.—Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton; 2 
males, 1 female. Time, 15 minutes. Scene: An interior. A 
cheeky life insurance agent forces himself into the home of a 
wealthy lady. Her attempt to get rid of him is side splitting. It 
has an unexpected finish which is always a great hit in vaude- 
Ree Really a two-part sketch, as the iceman has only a few 
ines. 


THE COUNTERFEIT BILLS.—Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. 
Newton; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. A.long lost sailor 
returns and in ‘explaining his absence to his wife, finds he has 
steered into rough weather. As a peace-offering he gives her a 
large “roll of bills’ and she admits having a second husband 
named Bill; however both prove counterfeit. There is a dash of 
wit and a foam of humor in the Old Salt’s tale of adventures 
that cannot fail to delight. : 


DOINGS OF A DUDE.—Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton; 
2 males, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. Scene: Simple interior. 
Maizy von Billion, of athletic tendencies, is expecting a boxing 
instructor and has procured Bloody Mike, a prize fighter, to “try 
him out.’’ Percy Montmorency, her sister’s ping pong teacher, is 
mistaken for the boxing instructor and has a “trying out” that 
is a surprise, A whirlwind of fun and action. 

FRESH TIMOTHY HAY.—Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. New- 
ton; 2 males, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. Scene: Simple rural 
exterior. By terms of a will, Rose Lark must marry Reed Bird or. 
forfeit a legacy. Rose and Reed have never met and when he 
arrives Timothy Hay, a fresh farm hand, mistakes him for Pink ~ 
Eye Pete, a notorious thief. Ludicrous lines and rapid action. 
Chance for songs and specialties if desired. 

“We presented ‘Fresh Timothy aes with great success.’’— 
Frank S. Wildt, Lancaster, Pa. 


GLICKMAN, THE GLAZIER. Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. 
Newton and A. S. Hoffman; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 25 minutes. 
Scene: Simple interior. Charlotte Russe, an actress, is scored 
by a dramatic paper. With ‘blood in her eye’’ she seeks the 
critic at the office, finds no one in and smashes a window. Jacob 
Glickman, a Hebrew glazier, rushes in and is mistaken for the 
critic. Fun, jokes, gags and action follow with lightning rapidity. 
A great Jew part. 


“Under the team name of Herbert and Elliott we are making A 
big hit with ‘Glickman, the Glazier.’ Your ‘stuff’ is the best ever. 
—C. W. Herbert, Spokane, Wash. 


T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, 154 W. Ranielglt St., Chicago 


Denison’s Vaudeville Sketches 


“‘A laugh ts worth a hundred groans in any market.”’ 


Price, 15 Cents Each, Postpaid 


THE GODDESS OF LOVE.—Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. 
Newton; 1 male, 1 female, Time, 15 minutes. Scene: Simple ex- 
terior. Aphrodite, a Greek Goddess, is a statue in the park, Ac- 
cording to tradition, a gold ring placed upon her finger will bring 
her to life. Knott Jones, a tramp, who had slept in the park 
all night, brings her to life. A rare combination of the beautiful 
and the best of comedy, Novel, easy to produce and a great hit. 


HER HERO.—Vaudeville sketch, by George Totten Smith; 1 male, 
1 female. Time, 20 minutes. To test her lover’s courage, a young 
lady pretends she hears a burglar in an adjoining room and in- 
sists that he shall investigate. He meets with a surprise which 
is far from what the jesting maiden had anticipated. Rich com- 
edy and rapid action. 

“Used ‘Her Hero’ with great success for six successive weeks.’ 
—Herman Nelms, Nashville, Tenn, 


A HOME RUN.—Vaudeville sketch, by Harry W. Osborne; 
1 male, 1 female. Time, 15 minutes. A bit of baseball non- 
sense introduced into a novel situation. “Inshoots ea Ota, wit. 
“out-curves’’ of mirth and ‘“drop-balls” of hilarity are put over 
the “plate’’ in rapid succession. 


HOT AIR.—Vaudeville sketch, by George Totten Smith; 2 
males, 1 female. Time, 25 minutes. Briggs and his chum after 
a night out. Brigg’s wife after an explanation. She finds their 
lovely ‘‘fairy tale’’ simply “hot air’’ and they find themselves in 
“hot water.’’ Their ingenuity in extricating themselves from 
the humid situation is most amusing. 


IS IT RAINING?—Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton 
and A. S, Hoffman; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 10 minutes. Otto 
Swimorebeer, a German, Susan Fairweather, a friend of his. This 
act runs riot with fun, gags, absurdities and comical lines. 

“T have had expensive sketches, but your’s beat them all.’’— 
Gust Muech, Milwaukee, Wis. 


A MISTAKEN MISS.—Vaudeville sketch, by George Totten 
Smith; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. The maiden expects 
to meet a very sedate young man, which part he impersonates, 
although he is quite the opposite. He also makes up as an Irish- 
man. However, the mistake was not amiss for the mistaken 
miss, as he proves to be her willing ideal. Strong plot, plenty 
of “laughs’’ with opportunity for good acting. 


MR. AND MRS. FIDO.—Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton; 
1 male, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. Mrs. Fido’s husband and 
her dog Bruno are sick. Johnson, a dog doctor, who is just over 
from Sweden, is mistaken for Mr. Fido’s physician, and com- 
plications arise that create more disturbance than a mustard plas- 
ter on a small boy. A great Swede part. 

“We are now playing ‘Mr. and Mrs. Fido’ to crowded houses. 
Big hit.’’—The Elliotts, Clay Center, Kan. 


ONE SWEETHEART FOR TWO.—Vaudeville sketch, by Harry 
L. Newton; 2 females, Time, 20 minutes. It is not recorded in 
the book of Time when one sweetheart was sufficient for two 
ambitious maidens. The dialogue and action in this sketch are as 
magnetic as the breeze from an electric fan. 


¥.S. DENISON & COMPANY, 154 W. Randolph St., Chicago 


Denison’s Vaudeville Sketches 


*‘A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market.”’ 


Price, 15 Cents Each, Postpaid 


O’TOOLE’S BATTLE OF ANTE-UP.—Vaudeville sketch, by 
Harry L, Newton; 2 males, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes, Gil- 
hooley wishes O’Toole to marry his daughter. To capture her 
heart they invent a story of how O’Toole saved her father’s life 
in the battle of Ante-up. She puts to rout the scheming old 
rascals and marries Timmy, her true Irish boy. It is a fusillade 
of Irish wit and repartee. 

THE POOH BAH OF PEACETOWN.—Vaudeville sketch, by 
Harry L. Newton; 2 males, 2 females. Time, 35 minutes. Joshua 
is Justice of the Peace, Mayor, Insurance - Agent, Attorney, Ex- 
press Agent and Postmaster of a small village. Contains a quaint 
sermon on the ‘divorce question.’’ It is a decided novelty, with 
an atmosphere of humor that will warm and delight the coldest 
audience. 

THE TIME TABLE. —Vaudeville sketch, by George Totten 
Smith; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. Ms. and Mrs. Jangle 
have ‘missed the train. The naturalness of their ill-tempered 
cross-fire will make one feel that he has intruded upon the pri- 
vacy of a family jar and that he should suppress his mirth in fear 
of being noticed and accused of eavesdropping. 

THE TRAMP AND THE ACTRESS.—Vaudeville sketch, by 
Charles Ulrich; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. An actress, 
home on a vacation, is surprised by a tramp who attempts to 
rob the house. She simulates madness and thwarts his object. 
A dramatic incident abounding with comedy. 

WIVES WANTED IN SQUASHVILLE.—Vaudeville sketch, by 
O. E. Young; 8 males. Time, 30 minutes. Arthur Alger, a city 
chap out hunting, kills Benjamin Butterby’s ox. To escape the 
infuriated rustic, he runs into Solomon Simple’s house and hastily 
dons woman’s dress. In this absurd disguise he finally escapes 
from the two love-sick old rubes, Solomon and Benjamin, who 
are the typical stage ‘‘b’gosh farmers.’’ Mr. Young’s plays are 
all full of ginger and go. 


Who’s a Coward 


By KATHARINE KAVANAUGH, 


Price, 25 Cents, 

Comedy; 2 males, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. A young wife 
accuses her husband of being a coward and to prove her point 
arranges with a friend to play burglar and break into their home. - 
The husband, to vindicate himself, makes a similar arrangement 
with one of his chums. A real thief°appears, and both thinking 
him to be their friend disguised, aid him jin escaping with their 
valuables. Dippy Hogan, the crook, is a scream and wili rob any 
audience of its gloom. 


Countess Kate 
By KATHARINE KAVANAUGH, 
Price, 25 Cents. 

A playlet; 3 males, 1 female. Time, 25 minutes. Two college 
chaps assist Countess Kate, a noted jewel thief, to escape from 
the poiice. She convinces them that the detective, who has her 
cornered, is her husband who has suddenly become insane, and 
after she gets away they are convinced that they have been two 
genuine ‘‘boobs.”’ This beautiful and clever lady ‘‘Raffles” has an 
irresistible charm. Dramatic, humorous and lively. Played a suc- 
cessful season in vaudeville. 


T.S. DENISON & COMPANY, 154 W. Randolph St., Chicago 


Pa shea 
eh om see 


eb ae I 


Baas 


id ie | 
Misueatans Pe AL gush 
ae Sess pe 


Ae | 


cr 


Wee aan 
Rae 
petty 


ae aoe i 
crown Mh ite ea a ja ks 
ines. Of 2” id 


Raed bameses ee 80. ane 
alee the, Glezrery: 2h pee 
Now Sige Jaxege id 5 painters 

ea”. SEN Ts OR ae a 

asi ube? i, Siig ana a 

i a RMN ote ss ne 

ba rie ee ete 


hSaraat 

tue jai ins School pares 
ane and Lath 
(e3 an 


ist eee 
th 


RE ~ Eile 


* 


s 2s 


Ui 
oy 
ga 
: “ . a5. Se ‘- RR em Be 
OY sop Sto T G a 4 5 * i x 3 ee 


SMe 


— 


Sanit. Bec 


gees 
pei 15 S042. gongo 


Re ee ee ee ee 
| bo a ‘ 2 i 


oo Bg 


rts or Diatoatcds: Bei BON 
Sts ure Por eats 
‘ Digiogues, | ‘ 
“7? 'y, Clewers for yours tite : 
en's, Comic, ¢ Dialogues, ne 
‘Ham sik £0, eleven years of f age. 
Soe uiertry: Sch Pialogues: 27+’ 
ater hem erivin«! ‘ 
“Didlog tes: for District Schools. raat 
siaeer Conntcy schodlspn ain a 
wDialdgues, fom Dickens, 2 
 Thirteem Selectiortsrs: ’ . 
The Friday A fterttoon Bs ea 
Over HO HOOr Copies’ So 
arpa “Pots ‘£0 Feens.ts4 
e  epiniopaes.card ecitationse, j 
Humorous fiomespun, Paige 
masa piter ‘ONCS, Fe 
“Uittle” Peopie's hiss 
oy rom y COTS veare se 
Liwety iatogues..... 
cP E Ble ee 
eas RE :< vase 


eee: 


\ 
Ye 


wi. 
ey i. << 
es 
s 3 
¢ 
e seit 
= + 
we ise 
& 
x 


Te Oa iralucm gars Span Hii 
ae RE ett rene neg 


+ i cede oepeke > 
Origuiral Seti 


. ite Spe 
te ne Sa pfose hea Dele 
tine. EMiday A frei on peskert 
is meds iiails..of all BECB iter : 
Humocgus MonologugS.. f 
” A ae for: Tada fe 
ee ues Lo Youngs “Sikes: 
ote Te Be sin Soil a a 


“NO PLAYS EXCHANGED 


wre a ge A apoE REDS EDEN anor NTS eine aN oS aw 
ee a Sedo a errata ote aoa p Say SLE RAN SL NEORNESEES PNR 


-oFHE ETHIODIAN DRAMA: 


%% LITTLE NONSENSE NOWAND. THEN IS RELISHED BY 
THE WISEST MEN” 


re RENN RUT AES AS RN TOR hana een EER 
PR 8 RRL EES Se AUIS RE A ET RE SE ER 


ae Sie 
as Sete antl 


Bors DENISON CIT eee 
UBLISHERS _ CHICAGO. gf 


aeons 


PRICE ise 


a ee ee ee eee 


S 7 sy? xe aie? 
2 i 
, a ; 
Lick ‘ 4 x oe een 
BRI SEIS EN Fs Re OE Et) aT a - 


SSS 


aoe Fae Kae a i 
Ge Pa ty ae Re gia ee Fae: 
asec Ra CH TOES ee ee SA ARB NERA Se . 4-20 is * ! 
, ie tees | + 
wa rs 4 
 DENISON’S. ACTING NG PLAYS eins 
Pre aad i 
Portaint or succeeded Catal Free. i 
mii 


35 Bri ee 
ape Buckshot,’ 3 ret ts 


‘DRAMAS, coMmenies, 


La aS LE 
Re. SOT ae 
: roe 


7 9 26 eb ose 6 ew 48 6 6 le 


c) « 
Brookdale Farm, 4. 2ets,“ 2% Rustic’ Romeo,” ee 
hrs. pve ep oewm » «( 
School. Ma’ aan, i acts,. 1 
Scrap of Paper, 3-acts,* 
oldier of Fortune, 5: acte” 


pale ha inles 4 shia ae. +e 


: ; = i (25¢). + > ee we ee oe we i 
ENTERTAINMENTS, Ete, |_| es Barts Bs Se 
MF. | Eouelyyitfe Social Club, Sacto AV 
EDs Togs, . vs agitate 5 e 8 : ay PENE Bs ees Ces a oo bd oe rs ae 10 ad 4 
ac Ss, 2 Ws TVS a6 % Oe oe ; pe wees Nie teed Nigh xi "Ee 
ig the Game, 2 Be. Ss Mae ye Leas Bs “ oe oh §. Sree r3 
bere he wow ie e 5e) ee Ce ie) es Ma Swe 
All & Mistake, aets, 2 bre Mas, rot EN ee OS) ® Se age 
£50) RE A res eee EH 4242) Mirandy’s Minétrels: © (250) Optnl. H ey. 
aie os Wustler,4 acts, mA ape New Wonan 3. Bets. 4, they Ako 6 ee 
Se ie Be Mi <a C25¢ : ia? : “ats ; edn Fe ae 
Rrubtas Nights, 3-aets 2 hrs, 455 “Oh ‘Oalken Giub, Z pe age) a | ee 
As es Thinkethy oe : ‘ ; es 6 2.) oe ae 
i 1 S28. ms : eet as) Fe ie 
At ‘the Jind i the peer eT, be *Schal at Bide Ge re De te 
pon etn, 2b AES. ee e eur? yk eal 
Aig Bank e Castich, 4) aets, - 2). hrs: ‘ ee A> ts si Horn, 4 2p Pia fs * 
Ee Die’ Bees, foe ie he PaaS ear LCi darthe © teehee tae ae ee te es 
Black. Pipidery 3° acts, 2 es. Praise Bove, ig fi, cece ee q a: 
ae 


eee COR Se Be wk ob ee 8 ew a 


3 
3 
ares eee T hrs. 96250)-8 4 
4 
8 


— 
Py eee 
PGA, 
ho “Soames 


= RR TER. LOE © Ge EDE BS No ew 


Busy, “Lidrys 3 .aacts, BY, iZ irs, Southern Cinderella; o aor, oe 3 be 
(256) ae Ble eects: 6 eho & eee OE eve We its se tains os tn eC Sa fie o 
ee ‘eae 3 acts: 2% 5 Third Frephods a0 nie a a 

r ES: eee 9 eb ea a © bee ® KG ; Tea p> ig iy 

Cc SO a ee: Store, 1 sae “a de Tipe Peete esas ae as Z 4 a 

Rm RS ee Bee ee eae es @ wes ee Can rae F 7 ma Pe 
Danger Signal): 2 ‘acts, Be we 7.45 Tony The vi og Semete | teat " 
Daughtér®of + the Desert; 3 Topp’ s "Reikad 4 “hts es is oe ae Pe, 7 
aes, DY his 2 4 Sa es 6 4 ot A Matshal, a adts wee. i Ma 
ek in: Dixic,: 4: ante ae bss " 2 Re et ig ge oy 6 3 - ie 
© Sosa ety, a a, «bee Bivss 5 Vow OP I DAG 72 Bis a 
Hream> That “Came TL ras; 3 ¢ Fpipte Sth 2h. a 2, ty pee. 
Bete AIG NTS.2... 4: E25) Woks {Under Bie Skies Ne et ane ee 
Bditorm-Chitt, J Wr. (25ey¥ 90" ; itp ° eee 
Enchanted.\W ood, a 34h: (356): Optnl, Sap, ane Se ee > ste i J a} 

Kveryyouta, 3 acts, a3 was OWhen- the’ Circus = ; is 
Seated £285). Poway bg Si 21 oe 3 ak 
Fate: at othe W ‘indow, $. act, 2 : att Womens kV. Did. a te et? Re 
Co epee okt ss peer) ri sede ag ae 
ar inators, ean es ae) Hie Yjarikee D 3 bes me 3 se ¢ 
uit ion. the Podun iniite i Cae goa 
tea ee koe a 9 ia 2 FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Eta! tees 
tHeiresge of Hecthin, Ante 8 | April - Fools, 30 amin. & 23505 & Fy 5 q ae. 
WG. os ee ae we aD on. (50) 8.4) Assessor, The, 0 anine.s,, 8 8-2 HS (le se 
igh School Freshman,’ 3*acts, s+. Baby Shows CP ing gtk nadais ews | c? 
a TPES hee ee oy eS (25e)42 °° Bad Fob, . 30 be i chew ENS Qa Te oan 
Honor: ot a Cowboy; 4 aots,, nae Betsy Baker, ees ava : ee ' eA 
eee Be ee 13 4/1 Billy’s” Chatus Gig x2, Wes 23 oe 
Vilar “Days, LS en 5 20 Billy’s. Mishapy..2 Pn ‘as De. ig See 
“tn. Phim “Valley. 4 acts, oe Borrowed Luncheon, 20° a Wak ye te 
Tae Oe See ORS on (25¢e) 6° 4. | Borrowing Trouble, 20 init{ins 3 $< 2 ee 
fron Hand, 4 apts;.2 hrs... (25e) -§ 4¢ |’ Box and. Cox, -35 min. ee: i eee 
Jayville Junction, 134 hrs, (25¢) 14 17 Case> Against: Caseyy. ‘win: ie ae 

ingdom ‘of -Heart’é Content es Convention of Papas, 25 ipin. + .7 we 

aces, “Aaa Ars 35. (25c) 6 12-4. Country .Justice, 15. ming seme cs) RE 

Lexington) 4 acts, 2 yh tie (250) 9 4 | Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20'n nt. eRe, 

Set 

ae A a a TG Ma a EN ETD ONE STG GRINS ec FAM ANIM ble doe Coe hoo - 
-[.S.DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers, 154W. RandolphSt., Chieago oy ae 


SS IE EME SREY LY AOS CST NE: a RON a te 3 wr a § 


ih, 


MEMPHIS MOSE, WAR 
CORRESPONDENT 


Peo LR el ArT ERPIECE 


BY 
HARRY L: NEWTON 


AUTHOR OF 
“A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy, ” “The Booster Club of Black- 
ville,’ “A Colored Honeymoon,’ “The Coontown Thirteen Club,” 
“The Darktown Fire Brigade,’ “The Goodfellow,’ “Good 
5 Mornin’, Judge,’ “The Heiress of Hoetown,”’ “Jayville 
Junction,” “Laughland, via the Ha Ha Route,” 
“Minstrel. Cross-Fire;’?’ “Oh, Doctor!’ “A 
Rehearsal at Ten,’ “What Happened 
to Hannah,” Ete. 


® 


CHICAGO 
T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 


PUBLISHERS 


MeEmpuis Moss, WAR CORRESPONDENT 


CHARACTERS: 
Mempris Most 5 ees Nearly a War Correspondent 
PHICBERT.NUET2. occu toe eee ee His Companion 
GENERAL CHILE Con-CarneE.A Mexican Soldier of Fortune 
PRIVATE-E-GGSHELEY £ sie etnile see eee Half of the Army 
PRIVATE .PAPRIKA> tte ee ee ee ee The Other Half 
BIGFOOT “SUE F-7 oc. Saw ae ee ae A Red Cross Nurse 


ScENE—A Military Encampment. 


TimME—War Time. 


PLAcE—Yuma Pass, Mexico. 


TIME OF PLayinc—A bout Twenty-five Minutes. 


COPYRIGHT, 1915, BY EBEN H. NORRIS. 


=> 


MEMPHIS MOSE, WAR CORRESPONDENT. 3 


COSTUMES. 


Mempuis Mose—Ordinary suit, leather leggings and 
long linen duster covering all. 

PHILBERT Nutt—Dilapidated clothing and blue cap. 
Very droll in speech and slow in action. 

GENERAL CHILE CoNn-CARNE—Misfit, many colored, di- 
lapidated uniform, with large hat ornamented with a large 
plume. Wears large mustache, which he strokes in pom- 
pous, fierce manner. 

PRIVATE EGGSHELL—Blue coat, brass buttons, white 
pants and old cap. Carries an old musket. 

-PRIVATE PaprikKA—Old blue suit, short trousers and 
straw hat. Carries a battered old sword. 

Bicroot SuE—Typical darky wench part; calico dress, 
white apron and sleeves and nurse’s white cap. On one 
sleeve is a red cross. 

Note.—While only six characters are wahcevait more may 
be added at option of producer. Your local military com- 
pany may act as “the army” and the dialogue may be so 
aranged that a drill be introduced without detriment to plot | 


* or action. 


Neg , 


fea 


PROPERTIES. 


- Rifles for Eggshell and Paprika ; bowl of bread and milk, 
large spoon and two napkins for Sue; chicken bone for 
Mose; stretcher for Nutt. 


STAGE DIRECTIONS. 


R. means right of stage; C., center; R. C., right center: 
L., left; 1 E., first entrance; U: E., upper entrance; R. 3 E., 
right entrance, up stage, etc.; A. D., right door; L. D., left 
door, etc.; D. F., door in flat or back of the stage; up stage, 
away from footlights ; down stage, near footlights ; 1 G., first 


« groove, etc. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. 


Mempuis Mose, WAR CORRESPONDENT 


ScENE: An exterior to represent a mountain pass, with 
mountain or landscape drop im 3 G. and wood wings. A 
small white canvas tent at C., with. flaps drawn over open- 
ing. On center pole peak is a small Mexican flag. (Omit 
if difficult to procure.) At L. of tent are two nail kegs 
marked: “Powder.’ A small table and a camp chair in 
front of tent. 


At rise, PRIVATE EGGSHELL, Most and Nutt are discov- 
ered. EGGSHELL is doing sentry duty, pacing to and fro 
from R. to L. back of tent. Nutr and Mose are seated 
on nail kegs in despondent attitudes. Mose has one leg 
heavily bandaged and Nutt wears a bandage on left arm. 
Curtain music, some well known Spanish air. 


Nutr. Well, why don’t yo’ say somethin’? 

Mose. Dere ain't a word to be sayed. (Rubs bandaged 
leg.) 

Nutt. Yo’ said a-plenty fo we got to dis heah place in 
Mexico. Yo’ done talked yo’ head off back in Memphis. 
(Mose nods head despondently.) Didn’t yo’ say: ‘“Phil- 
bert, a barber shop ain’t no place fo’ yo’. Yo’ should be a 
adventuress.” Didn’t yo’ say dat to me? (Mose nods as . 
before.) Didn’t yo’ also said to me: “Philbert, shinin’ 
shoes ain’t yo’ vacation in life. Yo’ should co-harmonize 
wid de higher equivalents. Yo’ should be a soldier o’ for- 
tune.” Didn’t yo’ said dat to me? (Mose again nods 
head.) Den yo’ said: “Philbert, cast aside dem ignoble 
brushes and come wid me. Dere is war in Mexico.” Didn't 
yo’ say dem words to me? 

Mose. Ah did, and heah we is. 

Nutt. Yes, heah we is; prisoners ob war. (Rubs a - 
hand. over bandage, painfully contorted face.) 

Mose. Well, dere ain’t nothin’ dishonorable in bein’ a 
prisoner ob. war. 


4 


ce 


MEMPHIS MOSE, WAR CORRESPONDENT. 5 


Nutr. Maybe not. But if Ah was fixin’ fo’ to be a 
prisoner, Ah could a got in jail back in Memphis. 

Mose. Ah, but, Philbert, dere am a lot ob difference. 

Nutt. Yes, Ah could a-had mah reg’lar eats back in 
dat Memphis jail. 

Mose. Oh, yo’ always think ob eatin’. 

Nutr. And dat’s all Ah do, is jes’ think ob it lately. 
Say, man, mah stomach could be arrested fo’ what it thinks 
ob me. 

Mose. Shucks, man, dis am merely a condition ob de 
fortunes ob war. 

Nutt. Yes, but yo’ didn’t say dis was gwine to happen 
when yo’ slung dat flowery talk back in Memphis. No, 
sah. Yo’ say: “Philbert, dem Mexicans couldn't hit de 
water if dey fell out ob a boat.” Didn’t yo’ say dat? 

Mose. Well? 

Nutr. Well, dey had nuther water or a boat, but dey 
sure did hit us. (Hand to bandage.) 

Mose. Dat was ’cause we tried to run. 

Nutt. Tried to run? Man, Ah did run! Ah got three 
years exercise in jes’ one second. But de faster Ah run, 
de faster dat bullet run. (Looks cautiously about at Ecc-— 
SHELL, who has been pacing back and forth.) Dat nigger 
gets On my nerves. 

Mose. Nigger? Man, he ain't no nigger. He’s a 
Mexican. 

Nutt. Shucks! If he’s a Mexican, Ah’m a dime’s worth 
of Hungarian goolash. Whatta yo’ reckon dere fixin’ to do 
wid us? 

Mose. Oh, soon’s dey find out Ah’m a war correspond- 
ent, dey’'ll release us. 

Nutt (disgustedly). War correspondent! Yo’ couldn’t 
write home and git a thin dime. (Gun ts fired off L. Nutt 
and Mose exhibit comedy fright. EGGSHELL wheels, faces 
to L. in a challenging attitude.) 

EcGGsHELL (calling off L.). Halt! Who comes thar? 

PAPRIKA (off L.). Friend! 

EGcGsHELL. Advance, friend, and give de countersign. 


6 MEMPHIS MOSE, WAR CORRESPONDENT. 


Nutt (to Mose). Didn’t Ah tell yo’? Dat’s jes’ plain 
nigger talk, dat’s all. 


Enter Paprika from L., whispers to EGGSHELL. 


EGGSHELL (to PAPRIKA). Yo’ gotta know de counter- 
sign. Ah got mah orders. Dem orders is dat if yo’ don't 
say “Fried Chicken,” Ah runs mah bayonet through yo’. 

PAPRIKA, “Fried Chicken.” 

EccsHELL. All right. Now who yo’ all shoot at jes’ 
now? | 

PAPRIKA. Twasn’t nobody. But Ah thought Ah seen 
dem two niggers tryin’ ter make a getaway. (Comedy 
fright by the two.) 

EGGSHELL. Say, dere ain’t a chance in de world. 

Paprika. No, dem low-down plain nigger§ am out- 
classed ’longside ob us Mexicans. 

EccsHELL. Ah wonder what de general am gwine do 
wid ’em. 

pes Oh, jes’ naturally shoot dem at sunrise, dat’s 
all. 

Mose (to Nutt, in nervous fright). Yo’ heah dat? 
Gwine ter shoot us at sunrise. 

Nutt. Not me. Ah don’t get up dat early. 

The tent flaps are suddenly flung apart and enter there- 
from GENERAL Con-Carn_E. He strikes a fierce but comedy 
pose and strokes mustache for an instant. Then he glowers 
at the prisoners and they attempt to hide behind each 
other. 

GENERAL (sharply). Attention! (EGGSHELL and Pap- 
RIKA bring their guns to an awkward salute, wheel and 
march stiffly to the GENERAL, and when within a couple 
of paces of him, trip and almost fall.) Fall in! 

EGGSHELL. Yes, sah, we jes’ did, General. 

Nutt (advancing toward the GENERAL, smiling). Oh, 
Ah knows yo’. Yo’ was fo’merly a barber back in Mem- 
phis. 

GENERAL (fiercely, to Nutr). Silence! (To PAPRIKA.) 
Anythin’ to repo’t? 


MEMPHIS MOSE, WAR CORRESPONDENT. 7 


PapriKA, Yes, sah. Ah jes’ killed ninety-eight ene- 
meeses. 

GENERAL. Aha! Ninety-eight ob de enemy died by yo’ 
hand? os 

PAPRIKA. Yes, sah; one hand. 

GENERAL. Den yo’ kin knock off work fo de day. Yo’ 
done enough. (PaApriKA salutes in comedy fashion.) Pri- 
vate Eggshell, what yo’ all-done fo’ yo’ country? 

EccsHELL. Ah run ’cross seventy-eight enemeeses and 
cut off dere feet. 

GENERAL. Cut off dere feet? And why didn’t yo’ cut 
dere heads off? (Comedy fright by prisoners.) 

EGGSHELL. Oh, somebody else done dat ’fore Ah got 
dere. ! 

GENERAL (violently clears throat, fiercely strokes mus- 
tache and glowers at the prisoners). Bring de prisoners to 
headquarters. (EGGSHELL and PAPRIKA go behind Nutt 
and Mose and prod them with their bayonets, forcing them 
to the GENERAL. ) 

Nutt (protestingly to GENERAL). Whatta dey mean by 
stickin’ us wid dem bay-nets? 

GENERAL. It means dot yo’ am wanted at headquarters. .- 

Nutr. Headquarters! Dat ain’t whar dey stuck us wid 
dem bay-nets. 

GENERAL. Silence! (Sits at table.) Yo’ am gwine now 
ter git court-martialed. 

Nutt. If dat’s somethin’ good ter eat, Ah been ready 
fo’ two days now. 

GENERAL. Silence! (To Mose.) What’s yo’ name? 

Mose. Memphis Mose, sah. 

GENERAL. Whar yo’ from? 

Nutt. Yo’ know whar he’s from. Yo’ is from de same 
place—Memphis. 

GENERAL (fiercely). Silence! (Each time the GENERAL 
yells “silence” at Nutt the latter jerks his head sharply 
in affright and his cap falls to floor.) 

Nutt (as he stoops, picks up hat and replaces it on head). 
Doggone dat nigger, anyhow! 

GENERAL (to Nutr). What’s yo’ name? 


8 MEMPHIS MOSE, WAR CORRESPONDENT. 


Nutt. You know doggone well what mah name is. 

GENERAL. Whar was yo’ born, and if so, why? 

Nutt. Ah don’t know. 5 

GENERAL. Whatta yo’ mean yo’ don’t know? Didn’t yo’ 
ever have no mother? 

Nutt. Af don’t know. 

GENERAL. Who was with yo’ when yo’ was born? 

Nutr. My aunt. 

GENERAL. On what day was yo’ born? 

Nutt. Thursday. : 

GENERAL (fiercely and fingering mustache). Aha! Now 
Ah got yo’. Yo’ don’t know nothin’ ’bout a mother, but 
yo’ do know what day yo’ was born on. How comes it 
dat yo’ know what day yo’ was born on? 

Nutt. ’Cause de next day we had fish. 

GENERAL (rising to feet with an angry stamp and twirl- 
ing mustache). Silence! (To Paprika and EGGSHELL.) 
Take de prisoners away. Take dem to de deepest and 
darkest dungeon. (They place themsélves on either side of 
the prisoners.) 

Nutt (to GENERAL). Say, what’s a dungeon? 

GENERAL (rising to feet, stamps a foot angrily and 
strokes mustache). Silence! (To PAprtKa and EGGSHELL.) 
Take de prisoners to de dungeon. (They place themselves 
on either side of the prisoners.) 

Nutt (to GENERAL). Say, what’s a dungeon? Do dat 
happen to be Mexican fo’ dinin’ room? | 

GENERAL. Nothin’ like it. Dere ain’t gwine to be no 
eatin’. 

Nutt. No eatin’? (GENERAL shakes head.) Den shoot 
me now. (GENERAL raises his hand as a command for 
the prisoners to be taken away. The prisoners are between 
the two soldiers, single file. The four march in a brisk, 
military fashion once about the stage, the GENERAL places 
himself at their head and they are about to exeunt R. 
zvhen— ) 


. Enter Bicroot Sur. She starts in astonishment, raises 
her hands with a commanding gesture and the five halt. 


MEMPHIS MOSE, WAR CORRESPONDENT. 9 


Sue. Halt! Doggone yo’, halt! 

MosE (im glad surprise). Sue! (He opens his arms and 
SUE rushes and throws herself forcibly against him, knock- 
ing him to floor and she falling on top. The others show 
astonishment. The fallen ones scramble to their feet.) 

GENERAL. What am de meanin’ ob dis? 

SUE (to GENERAL). Back up, yo’ unemployed load ob 
coal; back up! Dis am mah sweetheart from Memphis, 
Tennessee. 

MosE (kisses SuE). Yo’ sweet little bunch o’ peaches 
and cream, yo’. 

Nutt (aside). Dat man always am talkin’ "bout some- 
thin’ to eat, jes’ ter make me jealous. 

GENERAL (to SUE). Stand aside! Dose men am prison- 
ers ob war. 

SUE (angrily to GENERAL). Don’t yo’ tell me to stand 
aside or any place else. Yo’ get ‘long and take yo’ doggone 
army wid yo’, or Ah’ll fetch yo’ a swat dat’ll make yo’ 
think de provocation ob eternity am arroven. (Threatens 
him with fist.) 

GENERAL (to the two privates). Attention! Fall in! Fo’- 
ward march! (Marches with “army” off R.) : 
Mose (throwing his arms about SuE). Saved! Saved! 

Nutt (tugging at his coatsleeve). Ask her fo’ somethin’ 
ter eat, man, den we'll all be saved. 

SuE (releasing herself and looking at Nutt in seeming 
surprise). Whose yo’ friend, Mose, deah? 

Mose. Ah don’t know. Ah nevah saw him befo’ in all 
my life. (Comedy business by Nutt.) 

SuE (to Mose). Den pay no further ’tention to him. 
We will be happy, jes’ yo’ and me together. 

MoseE (to Nutr). Yes, little boy, run ‘long and sell yo’ 
papers. (Nutt, too astonished for speech, staggers to one 
of the kegs and drops weakly on it, staring at them with 
wide open mouth and eyes.) 

Sue. Mah darlin’... Yo’ mus’ be dreadful hungry. 
(Business by Nutt.) Yo’ jes’ wait heah a second. Ah 
got some nice things already cooked; lovely eatin’ things. 
(Kisses him.) Jes’ a minute and Ah’ll be right back. 


10 MEMPHIS MOSE, WAR CORRESPONDENT. 


(Waddles in comedy manner to R., turns and blows a kiss 
at him, then exits. He blows several kisses in return and 
stands looking off R. after her.) 

Nutt (unable to longer restrain himself). Look heah, 
yo’ possum-eyed, disappointed imitation ob a bottle ob ink— 

Mose (turnmg and surveying Nutt coldly). Was yo’ 
‘dressin’ yo’ conversation to me, sah? 

Nutt (astounded). Yo’—yo’ mean yo’ don’t disorgan- 
ize me? 

Mose. Yo’ face am slightly fa-military, but Ah don’t 
seem to place yo’. (Nutt drops weakly back on keg.) 


Enter Suet R. She carries a large bowl filled with bread 
and milk, a large spoon and two napkins. 


SuE (to Mose). Heah yo’ is, honey-lamb. Come heah 
and inaugerate yo’ system wid some ob dis ambigious 
chicken soup. (MosE smiles broadly and goes to SuE at C. 
Nutt hurriedly rises and also rushes to her. Sue takes the 
two napkins and tucks one under each one’s chin, then 
takes spoon, dips it in bowl and stirs vigorously. Nutt 
smacks lips in keen anticipation. Sue dips a spoonful, 
Mose opens mouth wide and she feeds it to him. Then she 
takes another spoonful, starts to feed Nutr but takes it 
herself.) | 

Mose (in keen relish). Mah goodness, sweetheart, but 
dat sure am beautiful chicken soup. Do it again. (SUE 
gives him another spoonful, then repeats business of almost 
feeding Nutt and eating the spoonful herself.) 

Sue. What became ob dat other feller dat was heah 
a while back? 

Mose. Him? Oh, he’s gone. 

Nutt (opens eyes and tugs at his coat sleeve). No, no; 
heah Ah is—heah Ah is. (Mose ignores him.) 

SuE (feeding Mose another spoonful). Ah didn’t care 
so much fo’ de looks ob him. He had a funny look. © 

Nutt (attempting to attract her attention). No, not 
funny; jes’ hungry, lady; jes’ a hungry look, lady; dat’s 
all. (They ignore him.) 

SuE (to Mose, puckers up lips and thrusts out her face 


MEMPHIS MOSE, WAR CORRESPONDENT, 11 


in ludicrous manner). Honey-bud, kiss yo’ little angel- 
face. (They kiss with comedy business. Nutt works up 
scene.) Now den, one mo’ po ‘tion ob chicken soup. (Feeds 
MOsE. ) 

Nutt (aside, disgustedly). Dinner time fo’ some folks, 
but jes’ 12 o’clock fo’ me. 

SuE (takes napkin from Mose’s neck and carefully wipes 
his lips with it, then does the same to Nutt). Come, sweet 
breath ob evenin’ breeze; come wid me to de canteen, whar 
Ah will fill yo’ soul and inner man wid pangs ob real 
delight. 

Mose (placing an arm about her waist). Ah shall cer- 
tainly be glad to do dat, mah beautiful bunch of pansy 
blossoms. Fo’ Ah sure am hungry. (They kiss.) 

Nutt (aside, disgustedly). Dere ain't no chicken soup 
*bout dat. Dat am jes’ plain “mush,” dat’s all; jes’ plain 
“mush.” 

Mose (to SuE). Let us go to de place whar all is eats 
and stomachs know no sorrow. 

SuE. Yes, honey-bunch, we shall go. (They stroll to 
R., his arm about her waist, and stop at exit R.) Too bad 
yo’ friend am went. 

Mose. Yes, it am too bad. Ah know he would enjoy 
hisself innumerably. He used ter like to eat. (They 
exeunt. ) 

Nutt (looking after them, disgustedly). Well, kin ’o’ 
beat dat? Ah used ter like to eat. Dat ain’t no lie, Ah did 
used to, but Ah usen’t to no mo’. (Starts for exit R.) 
Heah’s whar Ah used to eat agin. 


GENERAL, EGGSHELL and PAPRIKA come marching in 
from R. and halt Nutt as he is about to exit. 


Generar. Halt! 

Nutt. Doggone it, dere’s dat “halt’? man agin. 

GENERAL. Whar yo’ gwine? 

Nutr. Ah don’t know, but Ah know whar Ah wish yo’ 
was gwine. 

GENERAL. And whar am dat? 


12 MEMPHIS MOSE, WAR CORRESPONDENT. 


Nutt. It’s a long way from heah, and yo’ wouldn’t go 
if Ah told yo’ to go. 

GENERAL, Silence! (Nutt’s cap falls off as lis head 
jerks sharply back.) Ah don’t take no orders from yo’. 
Yo’ takes orders from me. (Jndicates the kegs.) Yo’ see 
dem two powder kegs? (Nutt eyes kegs apprehensively.) 
Well, dem is got to go some place. 

Nutt. Well, let ’em go. Ah ain’t stoppin’ em. 

GENERAL. Dey is got to go, and it am too dangerous 
fo’ mah soldiers to tote ’em, so Ah deploys yo’ to tote ’em. 

Nutt (comedy fright). Huh 

GENERAL. Dey am mighty dangerous, so yo’ mus’ be 
careful. 

Nutt. Will dey—will dey—blewie? 

GENERAL: Not if yo ’am careful. 

Nutt. Say, yo’ bettah git yo’ a regular careful boy. 
Ah’m too’ careless. 

GENERAL. Oh, it won’t make any difference if yo’ am 
blown up; will it? 

Nutt. No, not to anybody else but me; dat’s all. 

GENERAL (sharply). Fo’ward march! (EccsHEeLt and 
PaprIKA force Nutt to kegs.) Now pick ’em up. (Nutt 
hesitates and they prod him with their bayonets.) 

Nutt; Ah. kin see Ab got. a fat chance 23 tan none 
pick ’em up, Ah gets mah tires punctured. 

GENERAL. Yes. 

Nutt. Yes, and if Ah does pick ’em up, Ah gits— 
blewie! 

GENERAL. Pick ’em up! Fo’ward, march! 

Nutt. Jes’ a minute, General. Befo’ de blewie comes, 
couldn’t Ah be spared somethin’ to eat? 

GENERAL. No, sah. Fo’ward, march! (They prod 
Nutt with bayonets, he picks up the kegs with comedy 
fright, they form in line, GENERAL leading, Nutt following 
him and the two soldiers bring up the rear. Exeunt L.) , 


Enter SuE and Mose from R. He is chewing on a chicken 
bone with keen relish. 


Mose. Dat suttinly was some lunch. 


MEMPHIS MOSE, WAR CORRESPONDENT. 13 


Sue. Lunch? Man alive, if yo’ calls dat a lunch, Ah 
wonder what yo’d call a meal? 

Mose (looking searchingly about). Ah wonder whar 
mah friend went? (Loud explosion off L. Astounded, 
they run and look off L.) 

Sue. What was dat yo’ was remarkin’ "bout jes’ fo’ 
dat explosion? 

Mose. Ah said Ah wonder whar mah friend went? 

SuE (shading eyes with one hand and then peering off). 
Ah don’t persactly know, but he’ll be down in a minute and 
den yo’ kin ask him. 

Mose (looking off and up). By golly, Ah nevah saw 
him git sich a move on hisself befo’ in all mah life. He 
sure is in a hurry. 

SuE. Now he’s comin’ down agin. 

Mose. Yes, Ah reckon he didn’t like it up dar. (The 
tramp of feet 1s heard off L., gradually drawing nearer.) 

SuE. Dey am bringin’ him heah on a stretcher. 

Mose. Poor old Nutt! Ah’m sorry Ah was rude to him. 
He had his faults, but he wasn’t sich a bad feller after all. 

SuE. -No, he was only hungry. 

Mose. Well, he’s cured ob dat now all right. 

SUE. He sure is. He’s'cured ob everythin’. 


Enter GENERAL, EGGSHELL and PapriKA, the latter two 
bearing a stretcher on which lies Nutr. They march 
solemnly to C. and place stretcher on floor, then all form 
a half circle about Nutt, the men removing their caps. 


GENERAL. We done our bestest to stop him after de 
powder went off, but he jes’ naturally insisted on goin’. 

Mose. Poor old Nutt! He do look natural, don’t he? 

SuE. Ah’m sorry now Ah didn’t gib him somethin’ ter 
eat befo’ he up and died. (Nutt slightly ratses his head 
and blinks eyes at SUE.) 

Mose. Yo’ sure he am dead? 

PapriKA. If he ain’t he done git a powerful shock ter 
his system. 

EccsHELL. And it done look like it spread to de rest 
ob his body. 


14 MEMPHIS MOSE, WAR CORRESPONDENT. 


GENERAL (sighs). Ah’m ’fraid now he am but a rem- 
nant ob a man. 

SuE (excitedly). What's dat yo’ say? What’s dat? 

GENERAL. Ah say, he am but a mere remnant ob a man. 

SUE (drops on knees beside the stretcher). Man, deah, 
does yo’ heah dat? Speak! 

Nutt (raises head and looks inquiringly at her). What’s 
it? What’s it, lady? 

SuE. Dat man say yo’ am amere remnant. If yo’ ama 
remnant, Ah loves yo’ and only yo’. 

Mose (to Sue). Heah, yo’. What yo’ mean lovin’ dat 
man? | 

SuE (picks Nutt up from stretcher, arm about him). 
Go way, Mistah Memphis Mose. Mention not mah name in 
endearin’ terms agin. Ah loves yo’ no mo’. 

Mose (astounded). What’s—what’s de meaning ob dis. 
Why fo’ yo’ transfer yo’ love to dat man?’ 

Sur. Why? Because he’s a remnant. And whar am 
de woman livin’ dat kin resist a remnant? (SUE throws 
her arms about Nutt, the others form half circle about 
them, exhibiting intense astonishment, to—) 


CuRTAIN. 


Denison’s Vaudeville Sketches 


*‘A laugh ts worth a hundred groans in any market.”’ 


Price, 15 Cents Each, Postpaid 


BREAKFAST FOOD FOR TWO.—Vaudeville sketch, by Harry 
L. Newton; 1 male, 1 female, Time, 20 minutes.’ Scene: Simple 
interior. Seldom Sells, a drummer for bottled spring water and 
condensed milk, and Carrie Samples, a breakfast food demonstra- 
tor, meet in a small freight office during a snow blockade. Once 
they were friends, but strangers now; however, while appeasing 
their hunger with their samples a reconciliation is affected. This 
sketch is a decided novelty and one of the most choice morsels of 
humor ever served. 


THE CABMAN AND THE LADY.—Vaudeville sketch, adapted by 
William D. Emerson; 2 males, 1 female. Time, 30 minutes. Played 
a number of seasons with great success by ‘‘Emerson, Caffray and 
Emerson.”’ It is a scream. 


A COLD FINISH.—Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton; 2 
males, 1 female. Time, 15 minutes. Scene: An interior. A 
cheeky life insurance agent forces himself into the home of a 
wealthy lady. Her attempt to get rid of him is side splitting. It 
has an unexpected finish which is always a great hit in vaude- 
she tae Really a two-part sketch, as the iceman has only a few 

nes. 


THE COUNTERFEIT BILLS.—Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. 
Newton; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. A long lost sailor 
returns and in explaining his absence to his wife, finds he has 
steered into rough weather. As a peace-offering he gives her a 
large ‘‘roll of bills’ and she admits having a second husband 
named Bill; however both prove counterfeit. There is a dash of 
wit and a foam of humor in the Old Salt’s tale of adventures 
that cannot fail to delight. 


DOINGS OF A DUDE.—Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton; 
2 males, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. Scene: Simple interior. 
Maizy von Billion, of athletic tendencies, is expecting a boxing 
instructor and has procured Bloody Mike, a prize fighter, to ‘‘try 
him out.’’ Percy Montmorency, her sister’s ping pong teacher, is 
mistaken for the boxing instructor and has a “‘trying out’ that 
is a surprise, A whirlwind of fun and action. 


FRESH TIMOTHY HAY.—Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. New- 
ton; 2 males, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. Scene: Simple rural 
exterior. By terms of a will, Rose Lark must marry Reed Bird or 
forfeit a legacy. Rose and Reed have never met and when_he 
arrives Timothy Hay, a fresh farm hand, mistakes him for Pink 
Eye Pete, a notorious thief. Ludicrous lines and rapid action. 
Chance for songs and specialties if desired. 

“We presented ‘Fresh Timothy Hay’ with great success.’’— 
Frank §. Wildt, Lancaster, Pa. 


GLICKMAN, THE GLAZIER.—Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. 
Newton and A. S. Hoffman; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 25 minutes. 
Scene: Simple interior. Charlotte Russe, an actress, is scored 
by a dramatic paper. With ‘blood in her eye’’ she seeks the 
critic at the office, finds no one in and smashes a window. Jacob 
Glickman, a Hebrew glazier, rushes in and is mistaken for the 
critic. Fun, jokes, gags and action follow with lightning rapidity. 
A great Jew part. 


“Under the team name of Herbert and Elliott we are making a 
big hit with ‘Glickman, the Glazier.’ Your ‘stuff’ is the best ever.” 
—C. W. Herbert, Spokane, Wash. 


T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, 154 W. Randolph St., Chicago 


Denison’s Vaudeville Sketches 


“A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market.”? 


Price, 15 Cents Each, Postpaid 


THE GODDESS OF LOVE.—Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. 
Newton; 1 male, 1 female, Time, 15 minutes. Scene: Simple ex- 
terior, Aphrodite, a Greek Goddess, is a statue in the park. Ac- 
cording to tradition, a gold ring placed upon her finger will bring 
her to life. Knott Jones, a tramp, who had slept in the park 
all night, brings her to life. A rare combination of the beautiful 
and the best of comedy, Novel, easy to produce and a great hit. 


HER HERO.—Vaudeville sketch, by George Totten Smith; 1 male, 
1 female. Time, 20 minutes. To test her lover’s courage, a young 
lady pretends she hears a burglar in an adjoining room and in- 
sists that he shall investigate. He meets with a surprise which 
is far from what the jesting maiden had anticipated. Rich com- 
edy and rapid action. 

“Used ‘Her Hero’ with great success for six successive weeks.”’ 
—Herman Nelms, Nashville, Tenn. 


A HOME RUN.—Vaudeville sketch, by Harry W. Osborne; 
1 male, 1 female. Time, 15 minutes. A bit of baseball non- 
sense introduced into a novel situation. “Inshoots’”’ of wit, 
“‘fout-curves’”’ of mirth and ‘‘drop-balls”’ of hilarity are put over 
the ‘‘plate’’ in rapid succession. 


HOT AIR.—Vaudevillie sketch, by George Totten Smith; 2 
males, 1 female. Time, 25 minutes. Briggs and his chum after 
a night out. Brigg’s wife after an explanation. She finds their 
lovely ‘‘fairy tale’’ simply ‘‘hot air’’ and they find themselves in 
“hot water.’ Their ingenuity in extricating themselves from 
the humid situation is most amusing. 


IS IT RAINING?—Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L.° Newton 
and A.'S, Hoffman; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 10 minutes, Otto 
Swimorebeer, a German, Susan Fairweather, a friend of his. This 
act runs riot with fun, gags, absurdities and comical lines. 

“TIT have had expensive sketches, but your’s beat them all.’’— 
Gust Muech, Milwaukee, Wis. 


A MISTAKEN MISS.—Vaudeville sketch, by George Totten 
Smith; 1 male, 1 female. Time, 20 minutes. The maiden expects 
to meet a very sedate young man, which part he impersonates, ~ 
although he is quite the opposite. He also makes up as an Irish- 
man. However, the mistake was not amiss for the mistaken 
miss, as he proves to be her willing ideal. Strong plot, plenty 
of “laughs’’ with opportunity for good acting. 


MR. AND MRS. FIDO.—Vaudeville sketch, by Harry L. Newton; 
1 male, 1 female, Time, 20 minutes. Mrs, Fido’s husband and 
her dog Bruno are sick. Johnson, a dog doctor, who is just over 
from Sweden, is mistaken for Mr. Fido’s physician, and com- 
plications arise that create more disturbance than a mustard plas- 
ter on a small boy. A great Swede part. 

“We are now playing ‘Mr. and Mrs. Fido’ to crowded houses. 
Big hit.’’—The Elliotts, Clay Center, Kan. 


ONE SWEETHEART FOR TWO.—Vaudeville sketch, by Harry 
L. Newton; 2 females. Time, 20 minutes. It is not recorded in 
the book of Time when one sweetheart was sufficient for two 
ambitious maidens. The dialogue and action in this sketch are as 
magnetic as the breeze from an electric fan. 


T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, 154 W. Randolph St., Chicago 


it 


— 


sk . iw tee te, et. 
. . < wh a" 
Rah cb Fee? nt SRR Ph oy DZ AE Ret Pee a § . 
hae? ‘ ; a hy’ ey 


ce ER MILI 5 48 


>My Lord in eT: 


y 


1 


rt 


“2 Phese Red Enyelopes, 25. min, 


Te wes Acer WRN Oa oe 5. ais atone Se 


Fudge and a Burgtar, J 


A ae Ghosts in White, 620 min. 


os « 


M. 
Doctmentary Evidence, 25.,mins 
Dude in a Cyclone, 20 mim... 
Family Strike; 20 min. 
First-Class’ Hotel, 
For Love and Honor, 2 mins. 
min... 
Fan in @ Photograph Gallery, 
30 min. 
Greats Doughnut Corporation, 
Di IVT Sees. cae wis 
Great Medical Dispensary, 30. in. 
Sew Pumpkin« Case, 30-anin. .1 
ns Von Smash, 30 reba Pd 
> Many Poet 25 nase. fos 
ot Mesilf at All, 25 min. 
Initiating. a Gratiger, 25° mins. 
“drish Linen Peddier, 40 min... 
Ts the Editor In? 20. min: 
nsas. Immigrants, 20 min, .. 
em Not Wanted, 30° min. 
Mike Donovan's Courtship, 15m: 
Mothér Goose’s GoSlings, 30 m. 
Its. Carver’ 3 Fancy Ball, 40 m. 
wee “tubbins’ Book poe 39 
1 br. 
My Neighbo:’s 45 unin. 
My Turn Next, 49° min. 
My Wife’s Relations, Lehre 3 


ie eee 


26s munss.t 


ane eee 


Ne) One 0900 Ho tO Oh 


Bw Ww 


~ Not a-Man im the Hause, 40 me 


\Obstinate’ Family,. 40. min 
. Only Cold “Tea, 20. min 
> -Outwitting the Colonel, 25 min: 
Pair of ‘Lunatics, 20. min 
Patsy -O Wang, 35 min 
Pat, the Apo 1ecary, 35<mmin - 
Perseouted Dutchman, 30 min, 
Lees Pix, 35 snes Aen. 
Rough Diamond, »40 faites, es 
Second Childhood, LSM, 6 va 
Smith; the Aviator, 40 fins. 
Taking Father’s Place} 30 min. 
Vaining a Viger, 30 min 
“Phate Raseal 


ase 4 ee 


ye eee ee 


OVA & RD WH 


eee ee 


a0 SB Ch >. 


Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 
ital Fae he dP ai TES Bie es ee ales 
Preasure from Egypt, 45 min. 
> fun Ham. Out, 935." tists. o . 
ST wor Aunts and. a Photo, 20 m. 
Lwo Bonnycastles, 45 min¢.).. 


hwo G 


Jentlemen in a Fix, 15 im 


fe Go 


of a. Kind, 40 min. <.. 
Poe Dick’s Mistake, 20 min. 
© Wanted a Correspondent, 45 m1. 
Wanted. a Hero, 20° minw...%. 
= Which. Will He Marry? 20 min: 
Who. Is Who? 40. min. 
Wide Enougli for Two, 43min. 
Wrone Gaby. 225. whic: . ene? 
_ Yankee Ped didr: a hr. 6.46 SF. 7 


Ata tO Gd) Do Ge 


a 


WOW Ae bed BO) 


F, 


1 


62 CO DO: KOIKA Habs 9 be 08 BRD OD ROO Gi Got Oo Pwo to oe DOWD OO) Kota bo") G2. OFA NN GD DOE 


-- DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS _ 


- Price at Cents Each, Postpaid, Uniess Different Price is ‘Given 


af 
! 


| 


ms Ss. parison & COMPANY. Publishers 154 W. Randolph Sf., Chicago ! 


VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES, MON- 


OLOGUES, ETHIOPIAN PLAYS... 


Mik, 


Axtin’ Her Bather, 25 anitivs 2 
Booster Club of Blackville, 25 m.10 
Breakfast Food tor Two, 20 an. 4 
Cold Fitish, 15 min: = 2 
Coon Creek Courtship, 15 mints} 
Coning Champion, 20 min. 2 
Coontown, Thirteen Chub, 25° mel4 


te kee 


Countérfeit “Bills, 20 eke i 
Doings of a Dude, 20 nau: Zz 
Duteh Cocktail, 20° min... 23 2 
Five Minutes from. Yell Col- 
Le Pee LS AER 5 os yan sas Secu oe 
For Reférm, »20 Fe pees ¢ ~. 4 
Fresh TimothyHay, 20: min... 2 
Glickman, the Glazier, 25 min. I 
Handy Andy. (Negro), 12 min. 2 
Her. Hero, 20 min. Ae wig ey 
Hey, Rttbet 15 Wn 1 
Home Run, eas | hho Rane ie aie 1 
pp ARE cae INGO. Fo on aes 2 
ae Jaume "RO IRI. 2.2... Hay 4 
“ttle Red School House, 20 m. 4 
—Love and Lather, 35. min<.). 3 
Marriage and. After, 10° min: . 1 
Mischievous Nigger, 25% mine 4 
Mistaken Miss,:20 mins ie. ho 34 
Mr. and Mrs. ido, 20 min. t 
Mr. Badger’s Uppers, 40: mit, *4 
One Sweetheart for Two, 20 m, 
Oshkosh Next. Week, 20 min... 4 
Oyster Stew, 10 “min gue Sse 2 


Pete Bey $ Gurl’ 5 pect he 10 


Picides Ss br Two, : 15. hae - AS | 
Pooh Bah of Peacctown, 35 niin. 2 
6 


Prof.-Black’s Funnygraph, 15m, 


Recruiting. Office, 15min 
Sham wee 10° min 
Stand I 15.min ae 
Special. Sale, “15 mine. gn. «. 2 
Stace Struck’ Darky, $: min 2 
Sunny. Son ‘of Italy, 15. min... I 
Time Table,.20 min... ses 
Tramp. and the Actress, 20 min. 
Troubled by Gliosts, 10 mili. 
T toubtes of Rozinski. 35 min. 
Two Jay Detectives, 15 min. 
Umbrella, Mernder, 15 fin. 
packs. Bill at the Vaudeville, 
min. 
tnele Fett: +25. Anat ca we ees 
Who. Gits de Rear 30 -mi-. 


> eee 


— DO Bo et 


we 


Dr 


_-A great number of 
Standard and Amateur Plays 
not found here are listed in 

Denison’s Catalozue 


SN me pen nearer ad 


3 


leet anal 


we ~ ad 


tS 


heer 


RO 


DS 


22 cape mem gee 


et ores 


. : . 
Perma aabsig ht. aia Tg a i i I El ll lt a li lr PA ae an art I ee ey De nan SE Se Clee Sula od wks PSS se 
x * 


TREMP Va 


~ POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT BOOKS| i 


Price, Wustrated Paper Covers, 25 cents each. 


a 


N this Series The Poetical Entertainer, 


: For reading. or- speaking. : - 
act eg As d Pomes ov the Peepul. = He 
books touching Wit, humor, satire, Eniey pane aie 
every feature’ | “Scrap-Book -Recitations.. one 
iges. SHE. eaters 7 Choice collections, pathetic, hu.) HP 
: morous, descriptives-p rose, hy’ 
tainment~ field. poetry. 14 Nos, per No. 85e jh 
Finely ma dé, He 
good paper, ate chiar a i 
4 e Best Dri ook, + 
tons he a rie Very popular drills ag RNase: 12 
{ cach Pook aS. The. Favorite Bookvot Drills. ~~ jhe 
an attrdctixe Drills that sparkle with originahty.< ~~} 
individual ¢ov- Little Plays With Drills, * t 
desi For children from’ 6 to 11 sear +, 
miei The Surprise Drill: Book, Ae 
DIALOGUES Fresh, novel, drills and marches. its 
All Serts f Riatogues: : SPECIALTIES 8) 2 
elected, fine for older. pupils. - nase 
Catchy Comic Dialogues. bate nes dialog aritts, © ee 
Very. clever; for young people. Child ogre te mos i: oe a 
Children’s Comic Dialogues, ont ee games. ° ras 


From six to eleven years of age, The Days We Celebrate. 


=~ —a ars a 
ate ant 


aes so peat . eg Schools; Entertainments for all the heli dav 
Dialogues from Dickens. —— Things for Christm = { ci 

Thirteen seleeri dae: ecitations, orth bepiva mis 
The Friday Afternoon Dialogues: | G00d Things for, Tha wines 


‘A gem-of abo 


Ke Say 


Over 50,000 copies sold. 
From Tots to Teens. 
Dialogues and recitations. 
Humorous Homespun Dialogues. 
For older ones. 
Littie People’s Plays, 
From 7 to 13. years. of age. 
Lively Dialogues. 
For all ages; mostly -humorous, 
Merry: Little Dialogues. 
Thirty-eight origihal. selections. 
When ‘the Lessons are Over, 
Dialogues, drills; plays. 
Wide Awake Dialogues. 
Brand new, original, successful, 


SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES New and novel;: for all is 
Choice ‘Piecés. for Little People, Twinklin Fingers and wee : 


| 

| Good Things Ss Washington” 

| 

1 
A child’s speaker. in igures. For little tots. 

| 

| 


and Lincoln Birthdays. 
Little Folks’ Budget. 

Easy pieces to speak, songs: 4 
One Hundred eriteptainaen te: is 

. New parlor diversions, soc 

Patriotic Celebrations, 

Great: variety of material, 
Pranks and’ Pastimes, 

Parlor ‘ganies for children, ar 
Private. Theatricals. ; 

How. to ptt on plays, 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prenare,. 
Tableaux and Scenic 


KZ 
ha ee Re CORR ~ same 


es 


ah, 


The Comic Entertainer, Yuletide Entertainments, 
Recitations, monologues, dialogues: A choice Christmas collection. 


Dialect Readin S. MINSTRELS, JOKES 3 


Trish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, -ete, 
The Favorite Speaker. Black American. Joker. 2 
Choice pros¢ and poetry, Minstrels’ and erid. men’s gous. : 
The Friday Afternoon Speaker. A Bundle of Burnt Cork meets bg 
For, pupils. of all ages. Monologués, stum com 
Humorous Monolagues, 
Particularly for ladies. 
Monologues for Young Folks. 
Clever, humorous, original. 
Monologues Grave and. Gay. 
Dramatic and humorous, 


ox Fema ee F 
ates eat aes a 
we. ee OO See Pee £ § 


ize ] 
NRE HD 8 
x re 


Laughtand, via the Ha-Ha pute, 
4 merry trip for fun eee ae 
Negro Minstrels. 
All about the business. 
The .New Jolly Jester, 


Funny stories, jokes, gags, ete, 
The Patriotic Speaker. Mindat Dis oie ie nb 
Master thoughts of master minds: Large Mustrated Catalogue Free — 


T.S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers, 154 W. Randolph St., Chicage - 


IE Ne HY 


aa : “ahs 
Siecanireoeleeeemeneeteaee 
FF 7 


POSITIVELY NO. PLAYS: EXCHANGED. 


i YP 


< os a 25 CENTS 2? 


wi LL ROSSITER 
vey PUBLISHER 
. : ee | CHICAGO,! be. a : 


BAWKSHAW, THE ‘DYSPEPTIO. An ‘up-to- g 


For both Pi ro ofe: ss si o na t and Am a to ur ‘performances : i 


ALICE mw BLUNDE EP plete ik dae a 5 

by William Lincoln Balch. Characters, four — 
male, two female. Plays thirty. nite 

pairs Laban supper-room in “hotel. me 

odern, Price, 25 cents, — . 

a Hocus: DETEOTIVE. A conception of come 

athe for vaudeville entertainments, by Harry L. 

. Newton, . Plays eighteen “minutes, Scene, &— 

hotel | parlor, 4 _ Characters, “an “actress - and 

» tramp, © Av fine act, on the mistaken identity — 

. order. Good finish and opportunity for intro-— 

x preteens of. a eens Price, a ( 
Hee Harry. Le “Newton, Seven male, one female 
(BOOKING: AGENT. 3 By. ie Newton. characters, which may be altered to more oF 


Comedian and ‘Tady. Dhiee fteen minutes. . less as cireunstances will allow. eo otal 
One of the: anh fapid fre 2 meee ie ever -—s neat ‘and eceentric. Scene, country hot 


The action is brisk, dia- 

Pte and eke. ‘finish novel and unex- 

: in “satire on one of man’ S many 
wo cents... 

HALFBACK, One act. force: | by 


. wri ae Price, eents r vi _ office. Plays about thirty minutes. Fun, fast 
c BUTT. IN OF P BULTONBENDER By Harry L. and furious. “Good parts for’ Rube, Ba 
r, Newton. Trish comedian ~ Herd og: Playa ‘Blackface, ‘Tramp comedians. ~ 


” fifteen minutes, Not) much ~ lot, but bh 
OL. EOoe comedy and eltty dialogue, — Esice, 


_ 25 ce cS 
CHARLOLTE’S. RUSE. “One act. frapies ne 
Herry L. Newton. One female, three - ‘male 
_ gharacters. Plays twenty-five minutes, Scene, 
-. gn easy interior. Costumes, modern. Char- 
- Totte yne conceives a plan to circumvent  _ 
her eruel father’s object ons to her sweet- 
heart. She bas him make up as the counter- 
part of the house servant, and a comedy 
aes ensues; even she, herself, cannot tell i 
the two apart. A capital comedy, - full of 
oe ‘aétion and screaming | finale sti eurtaln. 
Price, 25 cents. 

UNTRY VISITOR. WLaughable one act farce, 
pai! Chris. Lane. - Characters, three male. 
: Plays fifteen minutes. 4 phn pubite room of 
buffet. Costumes, two city sports, one rube. 
This has proved a great bit. ‘fa amateur 
- theatricals. Price, 25 cents, t cog 
A COUSIN FROM THE WEST. aN “orl inal 
- yaudeville skit, by Jef T. Branen. ar: 
Setar a “rube’’” fe tae va “fulnutes. of real 


spasm of mirth. A great thing | for an after- 
ages or opening sBumber for. “ep” shows. 


- Price, 25 cents. eta 
ee Farce, by Gillespte and Reilly. _ 
_ Ohdracters, two wmiale, one female. Hite a tks ee 
* fifteen minutes. wih piace, ‘Abrary. Costumes, — 
ees are 25 cents. — 
5% elever vaudeville vehicle, by b 
7 pee sey “Newton. Jays - fifteen minutes, ~ 
‘Characters, an eecentriec middle-aged woman, 


‘makes change to refined and up-te-date girl. 
A Cam sag ooo to introduce specialties if so de« 


sired. 
thing to Be but ‘Ima's Visit” is: Certainly m 
good. Price, 25 cents, nee 
PRINS” ‘JUMBLE. Comedy, by ‘Harry os FR 
_ Characters, two male, two eS os 
ty ran Be minutes. Scene, a sitting- ; 
, Cos Shy ‘rural. Price, 25 cents. 3 
h “GRIN BAR RETT, “Skit for two 
m Soap comedians, Plays fifteen minutes. 
« ph ah Bet of funny rapid fire: conversation. — Price, 


3 Soeid L, Newton, Plays . fifteen. minutes, 
: I nes and Cag ah comedian. stumes, med- 
Oy farce Ae evita : eae 
che the ranean: mingtes, New. business, seg? 
Bria 3 Great travesty ‘finale. — Price, 2 


ARMLESS FLIRTATION. ‘Gomeay, by Jetrrey 
* Branen.. Characters, three male, one. 
bade Plays fifteen minutes. SCene, ‘dint sh 
pee dn fat. Lee citer, uodern. / Price, i; duced with 


udeville “success, by 


Plays twenty minutes.” Characters, a young 
stock broker and , ad jenlons Syke The nite 


a 


-~ @ate version of an old favorite. Written by i form. : 
Harry L. Newton. Charaétéers, a broken-down THE NEW HEE, 
- actor and an eccentric’ A ayy Can be played RS act, i tar ry L. Newton, Tw emale, 
on any stage or platform. Costumes and two. male) ‘characters. “Scene, a- ‘iohoo “room. 
_ “props”* simple, ‘Tb § little comedy is classed 4 ea Plays” ‘about — Bie RAR minutes. Zhe male 
among the ‘‘sure-fire’’ vaudeville acts, as the / parte ere “Dut 
dislogue 1s screamingly fanny, the situationg parts are. on dhe “Sis. Ho okins’ order, MS ie 
OFk ludicrous’ apd the action brisk. Now that < dine ‘yebicle fo! : 
i have written the note, who will take {t?’” dances and recitations. While only four char- — 
-You’ve heard that a thousand: times, but never acters are cast, more may ensily be added af 
‘fore bave you been able te obtain a printed ‘the Gasp of performers. Not a dull moment; — 
a of ae as Godbaines fda No seid cra oe RO Sr Avene eae oe ice, 25. centa, 


er, Chicago : 


aoa 


wressing g gown a of slippers; she 
: box ets woe several ee Be 


sored farce is” always funny, ‘Gat ‘tiie nee ai ee. 


and a “Sig Hopkins’ young woman, who later 


ood sketch for two women is a hard - 4 


- 2B ce re 
MER. MAGARA’S | ‘FALL, A comic “isch by’ re 


“hotel” apartment, Pelee, a5 


Harry L. y COOK. he an ordinary. parlor. - me y 


te eanaaviiin. farce, Sie Fac 


bh aud “Silly Kid,’ The female 
the intro “nt 18 of songs, 


“The Pugilist and the Lady’’ 


A COMEDIETTA. 


By Harry L. Newron. 
Copyright MCMVII by Will Rossiter, Chicago, IIl, 


CHARACTERS. 


Mr. Nirry Nix, a pugilist. 
Miss SALuty SMITE, an athletic maiden. 
FAIRLEIGH WELL, in love with Sally. 


SCENE. 


Parlor in the Smite residence, furnished as handsomely 
as circumstances will permit. Japanese screen in 
left corner. 

COSTUMES. 


Nirry Nix. Make-up of a man about twenty-six. 
Wears a loud, flashy suit with tight-fitting trousers. 
Large checked shirt, red tie and diamonds; Derby hat; 
face well reddened. Speaks in “‘tough dialect.”” Part 
should be played by a large, well built man. 

SALLY Smite. At first appearance, wears simple 
white dress, then changes to athletic costume, consisting 
of white sweater, navy blue, knee length skirt, black 
silk stockings and high-heeled Oxfords. This cos- 
tume may be worn underneath the white dress, so that 
change may be made quickly. 

FaIRLEIGH WeELL. Heavy overcoat, winter cap 
with ear laps, red mittens, woolen scarf about neck, | 
overshoes, hot water bag fastened with string about | 
neck. Speaks in a weak voice. Part should be ' 


2 THE PUuGILIST AND THE Lapy. 


played by a smaller man than Nix, but he must be also 


well built. 
THE INCIDENT. 


(Fairleigh Well imagines that he is afflicted with 
some incurable disease, while, in fact, there is nothing 
the matter with him. He is madly in love with Sally, 
but she has become provoked at his weakness and will 
not listen to a proposal from him. She 1s an admirer 
of the virile, manly man, even has a weakness for prize 
fighters. She engages Nijty Nix, a pugilist to give her 
boxing lessons. He comes to her home; Fairleigh, 
madly jealous, hides behind a screen; Sally discovers 
his presence there and is at once struck with the idea of 
teaching him a good lesson by a flirtation with Nifty. 
The latter at first believes that Sally is really wn love 
with him, but later discovers his mistake. Fairleigh 
suddenly recovers his health, Nix brings the two to- 
gether and prevails on them to “‘sign articles for a life 
match.” 

TIME, an August day, this year. 
PLACE, anywhere. 
AcTING TIME, twenty-five-minutes. 

(Curtain music: “Good old Summer Time.” 
Enter Sally and Fairleigh, she a little in advance of 
him and walking quickly, he follows, walking slowly 
and leaning heavily ona cane. She flings herself into 
a chair, he stands in center stage, apparently in an 
exhausted condition.) 

SaLLy: Good gracious! but isn’t it hot! (Wzpes 
jace with handkerchief.) 

WELL: Hot? Sally, I can’t understand what 
you can be made of. I’m simply chilled through 
and through. (Goes back to center door and draws © 
the curtains to.) There’s one thing I can’t stand, 
and that’s a draft. (Comes down stage again.) 

SALLY: (Laughs.) Ha, ha! How ridiculous you 
are. Don’t you want that poor, overworked hot 


THE PUGILIST AND THE Lapy. 3 


water bag placed somewhere on your poor chilled 
body? 

WELL: Yes, by Jove! now that you speak of it; 
I do feel a queer sort of a pain on my left shoulder. 
Would you mind placing it there, Sally? 

SALLY: (Rises quickly, goes to him, takes water 
bag and puts rt on his left shoulder, then slaps him on 
the back very hard.) There, that’s what you need, a 
good pounding and not that hot water bag. You 
should take a good physical culture routine, instead 
of wearing a pile of overcoats and earmuffs. 

WELL: (Coughs and chokes as she pounds him on 
the back.) No, no, Sally. Don’t strike me like that. 
I’m a very sick man. (Coughs weakly, with hand on 
chest.) 

Sauty: Bosh! (Starts walking rapidly and vigor- 
ously across stage, lejt to right.) It’s all bosh! You 
are as well and strong as I am this minute. You 
only think yow’re sick. 

WELL: (Goes to her side and tries to keep pace 
with her. She still keeps up her vigorous walking to 
and fro.) Now, Sally, please don’t bosh me. You 
do me a great injustice. I’ma physical wreck. It’s 
only by artificial means that I can keep the breath 
in my body. My lungs are completely gone. My 
head throbs with every movement of my body. 
I?m—I’m—Say, Sally, for goodness sake! What is 
this, a go-as-you-please? (Stops walking, hand on 
heart and drawing his breath with an effort.) 

SauLty: (Stil keeps up her walking.) No, it’s 
not a go-as-you-please. It’s a go-as-soon-as-you- 
like, but the quicker you do, the better I shall be 
pleased. 

Wei: Oh, Sally, don’t say that. (Drops into 
a chair.) Don’t tell me to go and never see you 
again. 

Satiy: (Stops in front of him.) The idea of a 


4 THe PUuGILIST AND THE Lapy. 


young man like you talking about being ill, and 
almost ready to die. You're not sick. | 

Wet: I am sick. Didn’t my physician say 
that I was? Wasn’t his bill fifteen hundred dollars? 

SauLy: Fifteen hundred dollars! Well, no won- 
der you’re sick. That bill is enough to make any- 
body sick. 

Wei: (Brightly.) Oh, but I’m very much 
better, Sally. I really left off my sealskin under- 
vest this morning. . 

SaLty: (Laughs heartily.) Fairleigh, as badly 
as I feel I am compelled to laugh. Sealskin vest 
and on the first day of August, with the thermometer 
at 96 in the shade. 

Wet: But I haven’t been in the shade, Sally. 
Really, I haven't. 

SaLty: BOSH! 

Wri: (Pleadingly.) Please don’t ‘‘bosh’’ me 
again. When you say bosh to me it strikes me 
right here. (Places hand on heart.) 

SaLtLy: Yes, and when I say it, it comes right 
from here, too. (Puts her hand on her heart.) 

Wei: But Sally, remember that I love you. 

SaLtLty: Remember? I wish to goodness that I 
could forget it. (Starts her walking again.) Don’t 
talk love to me! 

Wet: Why not? Am I not just the man you 
should have? I don’t smoke, swear, gamble, flirt, 
stay out of nights, scold, tease or anything. 

Satuy: (Stops and jaces him.) When I marry, 
Fairleigh, | want a live man and not a corpse, like 
you are. Why don’t you brace up and gamble, 
flirt, smoke, swear, stay out of nights, do anything 
you wish, but be a real live man? 

WELL: Oh, Sally! 

Sautty: Don’t Sally me! Go get well, then I 
might listen to you. 


Tue PuGILIsT AND THE Lapy. 5 

3 

Wei: (Eagerly.) I will. The doctor thinks 

if I should travel a bit that it might help me. Do 

you think so? | 

Sautty: Yes, I do. And the sooner you travel 
the better. So you had better start right now. 


Wei: Oh, don’t talk that way. And please 
stop that infernal walking. You make me nervous. 

SALLY: (Faces him again.) Yes, and you make 
me—excuse the expression—but you make me sick. 
Do you suppose for one moment that I would ever 
marry a remnant like you? I’m a woman, but I’m 
not looking for any remnants in man. 


Wet: But didn’t you promise to be my wife? 


SaLty: Yes, but before you became what you 
are—a muffled up mummy. (Sadly.) Oh, Fair- 
leigh, can’t you understand? Can’t you realize that 
I would feel only smypathy for you if you were 
really and truly sick, but you’re not— 


Wet: Didn’t the doctor— 


Sautyy: I don’t care what the doctor told you. 
Supposing that an undertaker was to walk in here 
now and tell you that you were dead. Would you 
believe him? 


Wet: I don’t know if that’s a fair comparison. 
I know that I’m halj dead. 

Satty: The whole trouble with you is your mind. 
Your brain soaks up everything everybody tells you 
—anybody except me. You won’t listen to me. 
Will you listen to me? No, you won’t. See; I told 
you So. 

We tL: Gee friz! Give a fellow a chance, will 
you? 

SALLY: You’re too much of a weakling to take a 
chance on anything. Oh, why aren’t you a great 
big husky brute of a man. Then I could love you 
with my whole heart. 


6 THE PUGILIST AND THE LaDy. 


WELL: (Coughs.) The idea! Why don’t you 
marry a prize fighter? 

SatLty: That’s a splendid suggestion, even if 
you did offer it. I believe I’ll act on it. A prize 
fighter, you say? Yes, that is indeed a splendid 
idea. Oh, how I could learn to love a real prize 
fighter! Oh, if I could only marry one! How 
carefully would I watch him when he trained for his 
battles. How I would sit and watch the play of his 
mighty muscles. How I would dwell on his every 
word and gesture to catch his slightest wish before 
he could even utter it. I would be his slave—his 
very slave! How I would cheer him on to victory, 
and when he returned home to me after one of his 
contests, I would place a wreath of glory upon his 
noble brow. Now you know the kind of man whom 
I could love. LOVE with all my mind, body and 
soul! 

Wei: But did you ever stop to think that this 
big husky brute might come home some time with 
a jag on? 

SatLy: I would bathe his fevered brow and put 
him to bed. 

Wei: He might hand you an uppercut. 


Sauuyy: I would kiss the hand and love the upper- 
cut. 


We: But he might knock you out. 


' Sauuy: If he did I would come back in again. 
Wei: (Sadly.) Oh, I see it’s no use. It’s all 
off with me. I don’t see any chance of my marrying 
you. 
Satty: Oh, yes there is. There’s just ONE 
CHANCE. 
WELL: (Eagerly.) And what is that one chance? 
SALLY: Go fight (champion pugilist) and win 
the championship. 


Tur PUGILIST AND THE Lapy. fs 


Wett: WHAT! Me fight him? Me? Why, 
that’s not a chance. 

SautLty: What is it then? 

Wet: (Sadly.) Suicide. 

SauLty: Well, you might just as well have it over 
with quickly as to sit around the way you do, dying 
by inches. 

WELL: Oh, please have a little pity. 

Satty: I am; I’m having just as little pity for 
you as I possibly. can. I’ll give you one more chance 
to redeem yourself in my graces— 

We_: (Kagerly.) Yes? 

Sauty: And this is positively your last oppor- 
tunity. If you will put on the boxing gloves with 
me, and give me a good beating, Ill love you with 
all my heart and promise to be your wife. Now, 
how does that strike you? 

WeELL: (Groans.) It doesn’t strike me at all. 
I can’t box and you know it; and even if I could I 
wouldn’t have the heart to strike you. 

Sauty: Then your last chance is gone. The 
man I marry must be a MAN, not a mummy like 
you. I don’t care what he is just as long as he is 
strong, healthy, and—well, the bigger the brute he 
is the better. (Starts for center door; at door stops.) 
You'll excuse me now, Mr. Well. It is the hour for 
my boxing lesson— 

Wei: (Interrupts.) Oh, Sally! (Rises and 
faces her.) How cruel you are! Give me some 
little hope, won’t you dear? 

SALLY: The only hope I can give you, Mr. Well, 
is this: Go whip somebody and get a reputation, 
then come to me. Good-bye. (Exit and change to 
athletic costume.) 

WELL: (Gasps and sinks back into his chair.) 
Oh, dear me! What a girl she is! Ever since she 
came back from Vassar it has been nothing but one. 


8 THE PUGILIST AND THE LaDy. 


physical culture fad after another, and now it’s box- 
ing. To-day she commences taking boxing instruc- 
tions from a professional pugilist. (Groans.) How 
will it all end! Oh, how will it all end! (Reflects 
jor an instant.) By Jove, I have an idea! (Rises 
excitedly to his feet.) Ill see that pugilist when he 
comes, and bribe him to act so tough that he’ll dis- 
gust Sally, and she will never talk of pugilists again. 
Then perhaps I’ll have another chance with her. 
(Hobbles to center door.) I hear somebody down 
stairs now. I’ll just rush down and see if it’s that 
pugilist. (Makes a very slow comedy exit.) 


(Nijty’s voice off stage calls: ‘All right, bo. Til 
see you later.’?’ A moment later he comes backing on 
stage through center door, then turns sideways to the 
audience and looks off stage in the direction he has 
come. He has his hat inclined over his eyes, is smok- 
ing a cigarette and in his right hand holds a green- 
back.) 

Nirty: Well, huly gee! What was that I just 
met in the hall? He’s all muffled up like it was 
Happy Hand me Somethin’ Time, instead of de 
good old summer time. (Z'urns, comes down stage, 
stts on edge oj table, looks curiously about, puffing 
hard on cigarette.) Huly gee, but this is a swell 
dump! But that guy I just met is sure bad in the 
head. He’s bugs for fair. He blows up to me, 
Says somethin’ ’bout jest actin’ natural and I'll 
queer meself wid de dame; den he slips dis bill in 
me mit and vamps. (Looks at bill and then puts t 
in his pocket.) I kin jest see Nifty Nix a-wearin’ 
real diamonds, and a-ridin’ in benzine buggies if dis 
ting——- —-—]’m here to give a dame some sparrin’ 
lessons. Well, I’m here accordin’ to agreement, 
all right, all right. (Gets off table, stretches arms and 
legs.) And I’m certainly feelin’ fine and dandy, in 
de pink of condition and ready to put up de fight 


THE PUGILIST AND THE Lapy. 9 


of me life, give or take twenty pounds. Now, I’m 
hearin’ dat she’s rich and dead stuck on us fighters. 
Say, maybe if I make a hit wid her, she’s mine. 
(Adjusts his necktie, pulls down his cuffs, etc.) Well, 
at dat I ain’t such a bad lookin’ guy! (Looks all 
about.) Say, can youse imagine Nifty Nix tied to 
a bunch of skirts fer de rest of his natural life, and 
sittin’ in a cosey corner a-smokin’ paper pills, and 
nottin’ to do but blow de old man’s dough? Gee, 
I’m beginnin’ to see tings. I must be sound asleep. 

(Takes a pin from his coat and jabs it into his leg, 
then gives a yell and jumps.) No, I’m awake, all 
right, all right. (Szts on table again.) 1 kin picture 
meself a-livin’ on Easy Street, wid no more trainin’ 
and no more lookin’ fer matches; no more knockouts 
and wallops in de jaw; no more nottin’ but jest 
takin’ tings easy. Skidoo! Here comes de dame 
now. 


(He straightens up as Sally is heard singing a 
lively air off stage, and he glances nervously about him. 
She enters center door, dressed in athletic costume as 
described, and carries a pair of boxing gloves in her . 
hand. She stops short as she reaches center door and 
looks curiously at Nifty.) 


Sauuty: I beg your pardon, sir. 

Nirty: (Whirls about and faces her.) De same 
to youse, miss, and many of dem. (Takes off his 
hat and makes an awkward bow.) 

SaLLy: (Comes down stage.) You are Mr. Nifty 
Nix, are you not? 

Nirry: Sure, Mike! (Takes cigarette from his 
mouth, looks all about for some place to put it, then 
thrusts at into one of trousers pockets.) 

SALLy: (Aszde.) How very original he is. (To 
Nix.) Won’t you sit down for a moment, Mr. Nix? 

Nirty: (Drops awkwardly into a chair.) Don’t 
mind if I do, kiddo. (Jumps up immediately, claps 


10 THE PUGILIST AND THE LaDy. 


hand on pocket where he put cigarette, looks wildly 
around.) 

SauLty: Why, what’s the matter, Mr. Nix? 

Nirty: Oh, nottin’. I jest happened to tink 
of someting. (Puts hand in pocket and pulls out 
cigarette, then flips rt off stage and rubs hand on 
pocket. Aside.) Gee, but dat was warm! 

Sauty: Did you forget something? 

Nirty: No, but I wish I had. (Rubs hand on 
pocket.) , 

SALLY: I have sent for you, Mr. Nix, to come 
here and give me boxing instructions. Are you a 
first class boxer? 

Nirty: I’m one of de best ever. I’m de cham- 
peen in me class. 

SAaLLy: (Puzeled.) Champion in your class? 
Why, do you go to Sunday school? 

Nirry: (Looks at her in surprise, then slaps his 
hand on his leg hard and laughs heartily.) Say, dat’s 
de best yet. ME go to Sunday school? Say, quit 
yer kiddin’. 

SALLY: Then what class do you mean? 

Nirty: Why, de middle weight class, girlie; de 
middle weight class. 

SaLtLty: Oh, I see. That means that you weigh 
just half as much as all the other prize fighters. 

Nirty: (Winks at audience.) I see dat you are 
wise to de fightin’ game, all right. 

SauLy: (Proudly.) Oh, I’m pretty well up in 
all things pertaining to athletics. I swim, row, 
hurdle, vault, fence, golf, tennis, and now I’m going 
to take up boxing— 

Nirry: Den youse will have de hull bill of fare, 
won’t youse? 

SaLtLty: That’s what I want. (Aside.) What a 
magnificent creature, but what horrible grammar 
he uses. 


THE PUGILIST AND THE Lapy. 11 


| Nirry: (Rising.) Well, I’m de guy dat’ll hand 
‘it to youse on de strictly level proposish, girlie. I 
never was wrong wid de dames in all me life. 

Sautuy: I believe you, Mr. Nix. (Looks all 
about, then draws nearer to him and speaks confiden- 
tially.) You see, Mr. Nix, I wish to show a certain 
gentleman that I can be—can be happy and con- 
tented even though I do not do just exactly as he 
wishes. 


Nirty: Oh, I’m wise, all right, all right. Youse 
has got it in fer dis certain gee and youse are zoin’ 
to take boxin’ lessons and den hand him a couple of 
good wallops. 

SaLty: (Drawing back.) Oh, no—nothing like 
that. You see, Mr. Fairleigh Well is a—well, he’s 
a suitor for my hand— 

Nirty: Ain’t dat what I said? Youse are goin’ 
to hand him yer hand wrapped up in a boxin’ mitt. 
(Squares off in a pugilistic manner.) 

Satty: No, no. You misunderstand me Mr. 
Well thinks he is a very sick man. I do not believe 
there is anything the matter with him. I want him 
to brace up, be a man and go in for athletics I 
think some sort of a physical culture exercise would 
be of great benefit to him. 

Nirty: Youse are right, girlie. Dem physical 
tortures are just de proper caper for de gee. Turn 
him over to me. I'll do him good. (Makes pugil- 
astic motions.) 

SaLtLy: No, no, Mr. Nix. I don’t want him 
killed outright, you know; but I do think a fev 
private lessons from you, delivered in an easy man- 
ner, would do much to straighten him up. 

Nirty: Oh, I’d straighten him up, all right. Who 
is dis gee, anyhow? 

(Enter Fairleigh, stands in center door, listening.) 

SALLY: His name is Fairleigh Well, and he is a 


11. OF ILL. LIB. 


12 THE PuGILIST AND THE Lapy. 


very nice young man. (She discovers Fairleigh, but 
he is not supposed to know that she has seen him) 
Yes, he is a very nice young man—in his own 
estimation. 


(Fairleigh is still muffled as before, and now he 
sneaks behind the Japanese screen.) | 

Nirty: Oh, I’m wise, all right, all right. He’s 
one of dem gees wot’s always handin’ demselves 
bunches of violets. 

SaLLy: Yes, he thinks he amounts to something. 
but he doesn’t. (She glances at screen and thea 
says aside:) I’ll teach Mr. Fairleigh Well a good 
lesson. 

(Fairleigh meanwhile has stepped on a chair behind 


screen and peeked over the top. He makes a wry jace 
at them.) 


Nirry: Oh, dere’s a hull lot of gees in dis world 
like him. Say, wot’s he look like? 
SaLtuy: He looks like the very mischief. He's 


all muffled up, and carries a hot water bag about his 
neck. 


Nirty: Oh, I seen dat lob. I tought he ee 
nuts from de first call of time. 

(Fairleigh shakes his fist at them, then takes the 
water bag and throws 2 over top of screen and across 
the stage.) 

SaLLy: (Not appearing to notice Fairleigh.) _ Mr. 
Nix, I’ve so longed to talk to a real live prize fighter. 
I’m so glad you are here. Do you ever realize that 
you are a very handsome man, Mr. Nix? 

Nirty: (Swelling out his chest proudly, etc.) 
Why, cert, cull—excuse me, I mean, girlie. I’m 
one of the ‘best lookers dat ever landed a knockout 
on a girl’s heart. (Aside.) Dere’s nottin’ to it. 
Dis dame is goin’ dippy over me. 

SALLY: (Glances significantly at screen, ther 


THE PUGILIST AND THE Lapy. 13 


turns coquettishly to Nijty.) It’s strange, Mr. Nix— 
you don’t mind if I call you Nifty, do you? 

Nirty: Sure, not; girlie. 

SauLy: Well, it’s strange, Nifty, that you have 
never met your affinity. 

Nirty: Well, you see, girlie, I’ve always drawn 
de color line. Id never fight a nigger. 

SALLY: (Laughs.) You misunderstand me. I 
mean, it’s strange that you’ve never married— 

Nirty: Oh,nowl’m wise. (Draws nearer to her.) 
You see, girlie, it’s dis way. I never seen a dame 
dat I tought was in me own class. Say, do youse 
know dat youse come nearer to bein’ a proposition 
in peaches wid me dan any I ever seen? 

SauLy: (Sighing heavily.) You don’t tell me. 

Nirty: Sure, I tell you. I’ve seen a bunch of 
different skirts in me time, but dey was nix wid me 
till I puts me lamps on youse. (T'ries to put his arm 
about her, but she draws back.) Gee, I didn’t know 
dat clinchin’ was barred. 

(Fairleigh bobs up from behind screen and throws 
his cap viciously across stage, then shakes his fist at 
the two.) 

SaLty: Well, you see, Nifty, I’ve hardly known 
you long enough to have you— 

Nirty: (Interrupts.) Oh, dat’s all right, girlie. 
We'll get acquainted purty quick. 

(Fairleigh bobs up and sails his overcoat across 
stage, then shakes his fist and makes faces at them.) 

Sauty: (Aside.) Mr. Fairleigh Well is evidently 
getting warm. My treatment is taking effect. (To 
Nifty.) I hope we shall become very good friends 
after a while, Nifty. 

Nirty: Leave it to me, girlie; leave it to me. 

SaLLy: (Sits on one end oj the sofa, motions him 
to sit beside her.) Come here, Nifty, and sit down. 

Nirty: (Swells up proudly, then struts to sofa and 


14 THE PUGILIST AND THE Lapy. 


sits at other end from her.) Gee, I’m glad youse tied 
a can to dat friend of yours. 

SaLtuy: (Pweeled.) Tied a can to him? Why, 
what do you mean? 

Nirry: Oh, excuse me, girlie; I forgot dat youse 
wasn’t wise to dat kind of spiel. Yesee, when youse 
say youse tied a can to a guy, dat means skidoo fer 
him. 

SaLtLy: Skidoo? 

Nirty: Sure. Skidoo! Twenty-three! Blow! 
Vamp! Git! | 

Sautuy: Oh, now I know. It means that I am 
angry with him, and he must go. 

Nirty: Dat’s de idea, girlie. 

SaLLy: (Brighily.) Oh, it must be lovely to 
know how to talk your language. You will teach 
me, won’t you, Nifty. (Slides a little closer to him.) 

Nirry: Sure ting. But I tought dat everybody 
was wise to de plain United States spiel. But dat 
mummy was no good nohow. He was a dead one 
fer fair, and ought to be on his way to de morgue. 

SauLy: (Laughs.) All men can’t be as hand- 
some and strong as you, Nifty. (He slides towards 
her.) 

(Fairleigh bobs up and throws his coat and vest 
across stage. Then says in a fierce aside: “I'll 
come down there, Mr. Nijty, and punch your jaw in a 
minute.’’) 

Nirty: Well, I ain’t no knocker, girlie, but I 
couldn’t like dat guy fer money. 

SauLy: Neither could I, Nifty. 

(They both slide a little closer together, while Farr- 
leigh tears off his collar and tie and throws them 
angrily, then shakes his fist at them.) 

Nirry: I don’t like to break away from dis 
clinch, but ain’t it about time we was puttin’ on de 
mitts fer yer lesson? 


THE PUGILIST AND THE Lapy. 15 


Sauty: Oh, there’s no hurry, Nifty. I’m so 
happy here beside you. (Leans her head on his 
shoulder.) 

Nirty: Well, go as far as you like. I kin stand 
fer dis all day. 

(Fairleigh bobs up and throws his outer shirt over 
screen. His undershirt should be tight-fitting and 
have short sleeves, and he should wear a belt about the 
waist of his trousers. After throwing off the outer 
shirt, he tups over the screen with a crash and then 
rushes down stage and stands with folded arms in front 
of Nijty and Sally. She jumps up with a frightened 
scream. Nifty looks indifferently at Fairleigh.) 

Wei: You scoundrel! How dare you make 
love to my Sally! 

Nirty: (To Sally.) Who’s your friend? 

Sauty: (Frightened.) Oh, that’s Mr. Well. 

Nirry: (Rising and putting out his hand to Fair- 
leigh.) Glad to get hep to youse, Mr. Well. Hope 
youse are well. 

WELL: (Drawing away and speaking fiercely.) 
Do you suppose I come here to shake your hand— 
the hand of a scoundrel like you. 

Nirty: (Good naturedly.) Oh, I ain’t so par- 
ticular. 

SaLLty: (Pleadingly.) Mr. Nix, please don’t 
have any trouble with Mr. Well. 

Nirty: ((Laughs.) Trouble wid him? I should 
say I wouldn’t have any trouble wid him. Why, 
he’d be a cinch fer me—no trouble at all 

WELL: (Frercely.) You big duffer! If it were 
not for the presence of this lady, I’d knock your 
ugly head off. (Shakes his fist in Nijty’s face.) 

SaLLy: (Throws her arms about Fairleigh’s neck.) 
Don’t, Fairleigh! Please don’t strike him. 

We.tu: (Shakes loose from her embrace.) Go 
way from me! You are as bad as he! 


16 Tur PUGILIST AND THE LADY. 


Nirty: Here, here, cull! Just cut dat out! 
Youse kin trow de gaff inter me, but nix on handin’ 
her any roasted language. 


WELL: Oh, I’m not afraid of you. Don’t think 
for a moment that I am, either. (Strikes a very 
heroic attitude.) 


SauLy: (To Fairleigh.) Oh, how like a man you 
speak and act. I really didn’t know twas in you, 
Fairleigh dear. I will never have cause to eall you 
a “‘mummy” again. | 

Nirty: Huly gee! is dis de mummy guy? 

SautLy: (Angrily.) Don’t you dare call him a 
mummy, sir! 

WELL: No, sir; don’t you dare! 

Nirry: (Laughs.) Oh, I’m wise to de game 
now. Youse both love each other— 

SauLy: (Interrupting.) I don’t love him— 

Nirty: (nterrupting her in return.) Nix, girlie, 
don’t cut in now. Let me make my little spiel. 
(To Fairleigh.) Do youse love dis dame? 

Wei: What business is it of yours? You come 
outside for a minute and I’ll soon show you that I _ 
don’t love you. 

Nirty: Nix fer you, cull, too. I’m de manager 
of youse two now, and youse’ll have to pull off dis 
match de way I say or dere’ll be someting doin’. 
Now youse two git together and come to a agree- 
ment, see! 

WELL: (Friercely.) Never! I shall never speak 
to Miss Smite again. 

Nirry: Oh, yes, youse will! (Zo Sally.) Come 
here, little one. (Sally stands to right of Nifty, 
Fairleigh to left.) Now youse two kids cut out all 
dis fierce talk, grab mits and listen to de referee. 
(He takes their right hands and clasps them together; 
he stands back of their hands and between the two.) I 
want to tell youse two kids someting. A hull lot 


Tue PUGILIST AND THE LaDy. 17 


of folks in dis world tink dat a prize fighter ain’t got 
no heart or no sense. Dey seem to tink dat all he’s 
got is a pair of tough hands and a ugly jaw. But 
a hull lot of folks would be fooled if dey was wise to 
Nifty Nix. I got a heart, kids, and I got a hull 
bunch of good sound sense up here (taps forehead), 
and dere ain’t no fighter in de business husky enough 
to pound dat sense out of me nut— 

WELL: (Interrupting.) But what has all this 
to do— 

Nirry: Nix wid de butt-in, cull. I’m master 
of ceremonies here, and de show goes me own way. 
I kin see widout de aid of a telescope dat both of 
youse is dead stuck on de other. And I kin see wid 
de naked eye also dat I’m not in youse class. Dat’s 
where me good sound sense gits in its work, see? 
(To Fairleigh.) Now youse reach over and kiss de 
little one smack on de lips, and tell her youse love 
her most to death. 

Wei: (Trying to draw away.) Why, the idea! 
I shall do nothing of— 

Nirty: (Grabbing Fairleigh’s wrist:) Yes, youse 
will. If youse don’t I’ll fergit I’m a gentleman, 
and, and—(looks at Sally) and I’ll slap youse right 
hard on de wrist. (Zo Sally.) Do youse want dis 
gent to hand youse a kiss, little one? 

Satty: (Hangs her head in confusion.) Why— 
why, Mr. Nix, I— 

Nirty: Dat’ll do youse, little one. I kin see dat 
youse do. (Steps back from them.) Now then, 
clinch and git busy. 

(Fairleigh and Sally look shyly at each other, then 
he opens his arms, she rushes into them and they kiss.) 

Nirty: (Clapping his hands.) Great! Dat’s a 
good a mix-up as ever I seen. (Picks hat up from 
table, puts rt on, pulls a cigarette from his pocket and 
walks to center door. Fairleigh and Sally now clasp 


18 THE PUGILIST AND THE LADY. 


hands, turn and watch his movements. At the door 
he turns to them and says:) Now, kids, I’m goin’ 
to blow and leave youse together. But I want ter 
hand youse a word or two before I skidoo. Youse 
two must git busy right away and sign articles fer 
a life match. De little one’s father will sure hang 
up a purse, and all youse has got to do is start in 
to train fer de event of yer lives. As fer me—vwell, 
I know when I’m travelin’ out of me class. Good-by. 

SauLty: But my boxing lessons, Mr. Nix. 

Nirry: Cut out de boxin’, little one, and youse’ll 
make dat kid happy. Leave boxin’ to prize fighters. 


(Lights cigarette.) Now are youse both willin’ to | 


sign de articles? 

Wet: Weare. (Sally bows her head.) 

Nirry: Den may de Great Referee (points up- 
ward) bless youse, and give youse a even break. 
Good-by. 

(He pulls hat low over forehead, puffs hard on cigar- 
eitte and walks slowly off stage, through center door.) 


CURTAIN. 


BURLESQUE STAGE JEWELRY, Etc. 


RINGS, STUDS 
SCARF-PINS 


Scarf-Pins 
8-carat size, each ...20c 
10-carat size, each ...35¢ 
15-carat size, each ...50c 


Studs 
8-carat size, each ...20c 
10-carat size, each ...35¢ 
15-carat size, each ...50¢ 


15-Carat size 


These goods are just the thing 
to ‘‘make ’em laugh.’’ They Rings 
are extra brilliant and sparkle carat size, each.20c 
like the ‘‘genuinearticle.”” They 0-carat size, each.35c 
are fun-makers both on and off 45.carat size, each.50c 
the stage. Prices quoted include 
postage, which we prepay. 


STAGE MONEY 


8-carat size 


Our Stage-Money has the rep- 
#, ulation of being the best on the 
market. It is carefully printed 
on Bond paper, which gives it 
| that ‘‘crisp’’ sound and feeling 
of the ‘real goods.’ Stage-Money 
| can be used in numerous ways, 
=| and it always causes a laugh 
| when you ‘‘flash a roll.” 


KSed Price, per 100, postpaid... . 40¢ 


“THE ORI 


“TABLEAU LIGHTS, FIREWORKS, Etc. 


These goods are made for us by the celebrated Pain’s Pyrotechnie 
Co. and are positively the highest grade goods on the market. 


GINAL-POPULAR SONG PUBLISHER 
Erg GE HAC AOS fy 


Spark Candles. Throws shower of sparks; | Imported Red Torch. These are as nearly 
absolutely harmless; perfectly safe. Can smokeless as it is possible to make them 
be used for Burlesques, Initiations, Comedy and are really the only practical colored fire 
Acts and all indoor illuminations. Price for indoor use, Absolutely safe and harm- 
postpaid, 15c each or two for...... 000 00002. 20C less. We strongly cecommend this article. 


Price, each, postpaid dd i ee ee ee » L5¢ 


Smoke Pots. For making smoke effects for 
fire or war scenes. price poctpals, 15c each, Colored Torches with handles. Just the 
or two for ee esse senses eee ee eoes eee esse oeee coveaoc thing for Parades, Private Displays, ete. 


Each torch has handle, making it easy and 
absolutely safe to handle, These torches 
Tableau Lights, Colored Fire, etc. For gen- burn from 3 to 15 minutes, according to size, 
eral illuminations for all purposes. eka 
Seeger crn is anise Res: LO Up i Medium size, each, postpaid......15¢ 


cans ready for use. Mammoth size, each, postpaid ,,.40¢ 


14-lb. can, postpaid.,..,.......206¢ Large size, each, postpaid,.......25¢ 
%-lb. can, postpaid............40¢ Dbl, Mammoth, each, postpaid...60¢ 


od 


Vaudeville 
Prompter No.3 


The only publication of its particular kind—a guide and instructor 
for all amateurs and professionals. If interested in Concert, Minstrel 
Show, Vaudeville or Dramatic Performance, or for evening eo 

ou will find The Prompter contains just the material you are looking 
or. Aglance at partial contents will convince you our claims are correct. 


@ Just as expected, No. 3 contains a worldof great stage material, and parodies 

I e S of the following songs: Annie Moore, Go ’Way Back and Sit Down, Sorrow, 

af Mamie, Hello, Ma Baby, When [ Think of You, Down where the Cotton Blos- 
soms Grow, My Lady Hottentot, Good-Bye, Dolly Gray selegronh My Baby, 


Sweet Annie Moore, Just. for Old Times’ Sake, Blue and Gray, Coon, Coon, Coon, I’m Tired, He Laid Away a Suit of 
Gray, etc. The above are by the well-known parody-writers Billy Jerome, E. P. Moran, Vincent P. Bryan, H. A. 


Bailey, Chris Lane and many others. 
a CET-BACKS, ‘FUNNYISMS FT e A Con- 
r rs ations versation in One, for two males, by E. P. Moran, is un- 
© V usually bright and clever, andis goodon any kind ofa 
bill for five or seven minutes, or you can cutit if you 4 
wish, CET-BACKS-—for two males—is by the same author, who has that way about him of being able to write 
base what you want. Don’t miss the routine of hot stuff. A Few Bits, by Charles Horwitz. Epitaphs, by E. P. 
oran. Love and Lager Beer, by L. Stanfield, is a choice bit. In comic poetry, The Hobo Artist, The Geographical 
Song, Bloomers and other warm ones are well worth memorizing—you can use them. 
? SKETCHES DIALECT STORIES. No. 3 certainly 
contains the ‘‘cream” of monologues. Such an assortment to 
@.) yeXe) Oo wes pick from was never put within yourreach before. There must 
: be enough material to make up six or eight cracker-jack turns 
and consequently you can pick out just what you want and fitin the one you’ve been working on so hard. In 
RAM P SPECIALTY there is nothing left for you to do but learn it, tramp out on the stage and get busy. 
his is so bright you can see the sparks—if the house is dark. When Smock the Tenor Sang, by L. Stanfield, is an- 
other clever bit. MISS WISE AND OTHERWISE is a clever sketch for male and female by LewH. Carroll. 
Mr. Carroll is well known in the vaudeville world as a stage managerand as a man to write clever things for 
shows, and rewrite and put shows in good shape—makea hit out ofa frost. That being the case, anything you find 
in print by Lew H. Carroll you can bet your last meal ticket is allO. K. Following this we offera great bunch of 
HEBREW STORIES with laughs in every line, with justa shade ofalaugh ineven the color line. There 
are plenty, so take your pick. You’ll find what you wantall right. DUTCH DIALOGUE by thesoubret’s pet, 
Harry VonTilzer. You allknow Harry—‘our Harry’’—and though he is the acknowledged soubret’s friend, it 
does not seem to interfere with his writing good stage hits, so don’t overlook this dialogue. It’s funny, very 
funny—as funny asit would betosee married people happy. SOME LETTERS, by Geo. Totten Smith, are all 
clever, and each one means a good, hearty laugh. Can be worked in any old place. A clever sketch entitled 
McCONNELL'S BIRTHDAY is written by E. P. Moran. This act orsketchis fortwo males, Dutch and 
rish, and in it Mr. Moran has given us some of his very best work. This sketch alone is worth ten times the price 
of THE PROMPTER, and it is here published for the first time. ; 
? ? No. 3contains the words and music ofa fine collection of these 
Stage Sons iisrccisen summer time, voseytmss 
U . Words and music 
Ss by W. R. acd author of She’s Good Enough for Me, Dying 
Girl’s Request and many other bighits. This, his latest ballad, is on the BECAUSE style, and we think 
eventually will be one of the hits of the season. CO TO SLEEP YOUR MANIMY’S HERE BESIDE YOu 
we positively state is one of the prettiest lullaby songs ever written. Words by Paul Armstrong, music by E. A. 
Van Alstyne, both writers of hits, This song is a gem of the very first water, and has some of the most beautiful 
bits of harmony ever conceived. You will more than miss it if you do not secure this song ATONCE. NIGCER 
IN T FENCE, the greatest STOP-BUCK now before the public. Written by Chas. B. Brown, composer of 
ottest Ever, Mobile Prance and others. The complete piano score is given in No. 3 for the first time. Amateurs 
or professionals wanting orchestrations of this can secure them through THE PROMPTER at 25c each. 
e e The plain talk you’ll find in this section to many is 
worth ten years of their lives. Fromit you may gain 
] (@) ‘ : 1a Ss Cc @ one tip that wiil put you on your feet and cause you to 
9 wonder why you had been staggering 4ll your life. If 
he don’t say they are the best editorials you ever read, we will give your money back and you keep the book. How 
etter can we impress upon you the importance of you reading this matter, asa—A WORD TO THE WISE, 
TQ AMATEURS AND BECINNERS, etc! Another articleon THE ART OF FACIAL MAKE-UP, 
by Victor Durand, tells how to make up, Just what to do, how much and kind of powder or grease-paint to use, 
according to the character impersonated. Tells how to make up young, old, lean or fat; remedy ANY defect. 
TO AMATEURS, this is of vital importance—to SOME professionals also. 


All the above and more is included in 
The Vaudeville Prompter No. 3, which will be sent to 
any address for 50 cents 


We cannot in this small space begin to tell you of the great amount of “red-hot 

stuff’ inthe Prompter. You will see it is not written by one man, but is the finest 

e ® collection of the best efforts of all the recognized authors of stage material. We 
uarantee that, after you have a copy, you will not take ten times its original cost for it. There 
s so much in the Prompter that it will last you many months—parodies, funny bits, get-backs, 
conversations, monologues, sketches, etc., that you would be willing to pay $10, $15, $25, or $50 for, 
according to how much you use. We intend that The Vaudeville Prompter shall sell on its merits, 
not “hot air." We know if you buy one copy, you will buy more. Send at once. Price, soc a copy. 


BURLESQUE STAGE JEWELRY, Etc. 


eee) RINGS, STUDS [eee 
> Wpyae SCARE-PINS [| 


Scarf-Pins 
8-carat size, each ...20c 
10-carat size, each ...35¢ 
15-carat size, each ...50c 


. Studs 
8-carat size, each ...20c pe: owe 
10-carat size, each ...35¢ 1o-carat size 
15-carat size, each ...50¢ 


veautnt sik 
These goods are just the thing 
to ‘“‘make ’em laugh.’’ They Rings A 
\ 


are extra brilliant and sparkle — carat size, each.20¢ \ WZ, 
SAAS 


like the ‘‘genuinearticle.’’ They yo-carat size, each.35¢ “—SZ17 S 
are fun-makers both on and off 15-carat size, each. 50c = a ee 
the stage. Prices quoted include Py 
postage, which we prepay. 


STAGE MONEY 


8-carat size 


| Our Stage-Money has the rep- 
q@ utation of being the best on the 
market. It is carefully printed 
on Bond paper, which gives it 
| that ‘‘crisp’’ sound and feeling 
§| of the ‘real goods.’ Stage-Money 
can be used in numerous ways, 
m and it always causes a laugh 
when you ‘‘fiash a roll.”” 


Price, per 100, postpaid....40¢ 


> WILL-ROSSITER : 
“POPULAR. SONG PUBLISHER. 
SRIOCAC Od Orhan ue 


AS 


TABLEAU LIGHTS, FIREWORKS, Etc. 


These goods are made for us by the celebrated Pain’s Pyrotechnic 
Co. and are positively the highest grade goods on the market. 


Imported Red Torch. These are as nearly 


Spark Candles. Throws shower of sparks; 
smokeless as it is possible to make them 


absolutely harmiess; perfectly safe. Can 


be used for Burlesques, Initiations, Comedy and are really the only practical colored fire 
Acts and all indoor illuminations. Price for indoor use, Absolutely safe and harm- 
postpaid, 15¢c each or two for.......ees ence ee Be less. We strongly recommend this article. 


Price, each, postpaid ............ccccee cece LSC 


Smoke Pots. For making smoke effects for 
fire or warscenes. Price, postpaid, 15c each, Colored Torches with handles. Just the 
or two for...... sees eeee ere seve reese eeoereeeee Sane ¢ thing for Parades, Private Displays, ete, 
Each torch has handie, making it easy aud 
absolutely safe to handle. These torches 
Tableau Lights, Colored Pire, etc. For gen- burn from 3 to 15 minutes, according tosize, 
eral illuminations for all purposes. Made 
ala ho Ree en eae eT a) oe Medium size, each, postpaid......15¢ 


cans ready for use. Mammoth size, each, postpaid ,..40¢ 


4%4-lb. can, postpaid............20¢ Large size, each, postpaid........25¢ 
%-lb. can, postpaid...........-40€ Dbl, Mammoth, each, postpaid,..60¢ 


Vaudeville 
Prompter No.3 


The only publication of its particular kind—a_ guide and instructor 
for all amateurs and professionals. If interested in Concert, Minstrel 
Show, Vaudeville or Dramatic Performance, or for evening ‘‘Stags,” 

ou will find The Prompter contains just the material you are looking 
or. A glance at partial contents will convince you our claims are correct. 


& Just as expected, No.3 contains a world of great stage material, and parodies 

] e & of the following songs: Annie Moore, Go’Way Back and Sit Down, Sorrow, 

a Mamie, Hello, Ma Baby, When I Think of You, Down where the Cotton Blos- 
soms Grow, My. Lady Hottentot, Good-Bye, Dolly wt igt | Telegraph My Baby 


Sweet Annie Moore, Just for Old Times’ Sake, Blue and Gray, Coon, Coon, Coon, I’m Tired, He Laid Away a Suit of 
Gray, etc. The above are by the well-known parody-writers Biliy Jerome, K. P. Moran, Vincent P. Bryan, H. A. 


Bailey, Chris Lane and many others. 
e CET-BACKS, 'FUNNYISMS _ ETC. A Con- 
nve TS ations versation in One, for two males, by E. P. Moran, is un- 
usually bright and clever, andis good on any ‘kind ofa 
bill for five or seven minutes, or you can cutit if you 
wish, CET-BACKS—for two males—is by the same author, who has that way about him of being able to write 
ge what you want. Don’t miss the routine of hot stuff. A Few Bits, by Charles Horwitz. Epitaphs, by E. P. 
oran. Love and Lager Beer, by L. Stanfield, is a choice bit. In comic poetry, The Hobo Artist, The Geographical 
Song, Bloomers and other warm ones are well worth memorizing—you can use them. : 
? SKETCHES DIALECT STORIES. No. 3 certainly 
contains the “cream” of monologues. Such an assortment to 
O rirO ©O wes pik from was never put within yourreach before. There must 
e enough material to make up six or eight cracker-jack turns 
and consequently you can pick out just what you wantand fitintheone you’ve been working on so hard. In 
RAM P SPECIALTY there is nothing left for you to do but learn it, aes ae on the stage and get busy. 
his is so bright you can see the sparks—if the house is dark. When Smock the Tenor Sang, by L. Stanfield, is an- 
other clever bit. MISS WISE AND OTHERWISE is a clever sketch for maleand female by LewH. Carroll. 
Mr. Carroll is well known in the vaudeville world as a stage managerand as a man to write clever things for 
shows, and rewrite and put shows in good shape—make a hit out ofa frost. That being the case, anything you find 
in print by Lew H. Carroll you can bet your last meal ticketisallO.K. Following this we offera great bunch of 
HEBREW STORIES with laughs in every line, with justa shade ofa laugh ineven the color line. There 
are plenty, sotake your pick. You’ll find what you want all right. DUTCH DIALOGUE by thesoubret’s - 
Harry VonTilzer. You allknow Harry—“‘our Harry’”—andthough he is the acknowledged soubret’s friend, i 
does not seem to interfere with his writing good stage hits, so don’t overlook this dialogue. It’s funny, ver 
funny-—as funny asit would betosee married people happy. SOME LETTERS, by Geo. Totten Smith, are ail 
clever, and each one means a good, hearty laugh. Can be worked in any old place. A clever sketch entitled 
McCONNELL'S BIRTHDAY is written by E. P. Moran. This act orsketchis fortwo males, Dutch and 
rish, and in it Mr. Moran has given us some of his very best work. This sketch alone is worth ten times the price 
of THE PROMPTER, and it is here published for the first time. ‘ 
No. 3contains the words and music of a fine collection of these 


‘4 4 among them the vaudeville or concert stage ballad entitled 
age Ongs IN THAT COLDEN SUMMER TIME. Words and music 
Good Eno 
5 


Girl’s Request and many other big hits. This, his latest ballad, is on the BECAUSE style, and we t 


better can we impress upon you the importance of yoe reading this matter, aa—A WORD TO THE WISE 
nother articleon THE ART OF FACIAL MAKE-UP, 
d 


All the above and more is included in 
The Vaudeville Prompter No. 3, which will be sent to 
any address for 50 cents 


We cannot in this small space poein to tell you of the great amount of “red-hot 

stuff’ in the Prompter. You will see it is not written by one man, but is the finest 

e ® collection of the best efforts of all the recognized puthors of stage material. We 
guarantee that, after you have a copy, you will not take ten times its original cost for it. There 
is so much in the Prompter that it will last you many months—parodies, funny bits, get-backs, 
conversations, monologues, sketches, etc., that you would be willing to pay $10, $15, $25, or $50 for, 
according to how much you use. We intend that The Vaudeville Prompter shall sell on its merits, 
mot “hot air.’ We know if you buy ome copy, you will buy more, Send at once. Price, 50¢ a copy. 


ter No. 


The No.5 number of the now famous J Rossiter’s Vaudeville Prompter stands —_ 


and shoulders” above all our previous issues. No. 5 consists of 80 pages of the 
brightest, smartest, wittiest, cleanest vaudeville material ever put between two 
covers. Compare it with any other number, and you will readily see that our 
claim, “The greatest vaudeville publication for the least money” (50 cents), has 
not been made without good reasons, and here is a partial list of the reasons: 
Edit ial How to Book Dates in Vaudeville is alone worth a hundred 
i orl Ss times the price of the volume, and can be found in no other 
ublication. This article gives complete information on this momentous subject, 
ncluding a list of all the different vaudeville circuits, the names and addresses 
of the booking managers, the best time to write for work, and also specimen letters to guide you. Don’t Bea 
Knocker is another great article, as is also Set Ngee J pa sr ye ree of os fe a peste HR koe 
CO edelia, Then e Satisfied w e, You’re as Welcome ag 
Parodies on Popular Songs the Flowersin May, l’ve Got a Feeling for You, In Zanzibar, 
Always in the Way, Navajo, Three Women to Every Man, Eva (both Hebrew and straight), Meet Me in St. Louis, 
Louis, Tell Me That Beautiful Story, A Parody Medley, Oh, Didn’t He Ramble, Why Don’t You Go, Go, Go! Like a 
Star When It Falls From Heaven, Stay in Your Own Back-Yard, a Dutch parody on Bil! Bailey, The Story of the 
Rose, l’ve a Longing in My Heart for You, Louise, Anona, Maiden with the Dreamy Eyes, Mandy, Mansion of 
Aching Hearts, O, Promise Me, Down on the Farm, etc. woot one * oom of ip - ane ohn gar ba p Araae 
: ompiled under this heading are the latest and funni- 
Gags Jokes, Comic Poetry, Etc. est bits in stories, gags, epitaphs, and comic poetry: 
just the thing for “encore stuff” or “cut-up” work in the parlor. What’s the ‘Use! @ late bit of tramp verse b 
Harry L. Newton,isa gem. The Epitaphs are new, nrg He. rae SE hn funny, ne uth ~ to ane oe F 
~ » by Aaron Hoffman, and delivered with suc- 
New Professional Recitations cess the past season by Carroll Johnson, is nothing short of & 
classic gem. Our first intention was to publish it as a separate volume, but later decided to give our Prompter 
patrons the first chance atit. THE KIND OF A FELLER I LIKE is a strong bit of character work, as is also the 
one entitled, PITCHIN’ THE TUNE, which recalls old times, all of which, and more, can be found in the great No. 6. 
M ] i ) Enough to last you three seasons. Nota bunch of old, worn-out “junk,” but a bunch 
ONOIOSUES £ ox the brightest monologue material and smartest talk ever written. LOVE IN NOVELS 
AND LOVE ON THE STAGE will make any audience how] with pe et FIFTEEN MINUTES WITH A PLAYWRIGHT 
makes ’em yell. Written by Harry L. Newton and done by Mr. Wood, of the well-known vaudeville team of 
Wood & Ray. Atthe ~equest of many patrons, and with the kind permission of Mr. Wood, we publish it in No. 5. 
E Bit The incessant demand from both professional and amateur buyers of the Prompter has 
ncoore bits lead us to gather together several encore bits. They are all new, original, and positively 
sure-fire, as they have been tried out by prominent vaudeville performers, There are bits for all kinds of acts, 
both single and double, also dumb acts, and you need have no fear about ett gered snes will suit. 
: nder this heading we offer our pa- 
Cross-Fire Conversations, Get-Backs, Etc. trons the best talking acts ever oat 
together. An act which can be done on any platform, or evenina parlor, isa valuable piece of merchandise to 
have and to holdin yourpossession. We publish two complete talking acts: One for two males, and the other 
for two females. Itis hard to get good talking Male i he bot. igh ek will verted ere es in tA bla one’ ie 
ood minstrel cross-fire, or get-backs, between end-man & 
Up-to-Date Minstrel Material interlocutor is another adjunct necessary in the show busi- 
ness, and very difficult to obtain, especially in printed form. Black-face artists constantly pay big sums of money 
to authors for this kind of material. In No. 5 we have enough of this routine for an entire first part—good, new, 
bright, up-to-date cross-fire. The cost of this material was very great, but bie en - acetal hs eis Prom Mg ofaabes 
ompter No. 5 contains complete vaude- 
Comedy Sketches, Acts, Plays, Turns ville acts. Perhaps you have been in the 
habit of paying 25 cents for printed acts—perhaps hundreds of dollars—and then have been dissatisfied; but we 
can safely promise you that there wil! be no cause for complaintin any of these ten. All can be pagent produced, 
and do not require much talent or cumbersome props to insure their success. We respectfully ask that you 
kindly mention the author’s name on program, also “Presented by permission of Will Rossiter,” owner of copy- 
right. A BOGUS DETECTIVE, sketch for comedian and lady, by Harry L. Newton. Cast. Lima Leight, an actress; 
Coppe M. Awl,a burglar. Time,15min. THE YOUNG ATTORNEY, vaudeville act for male and female, by Jeff T. 
Branen. Cast: Jess Ketchem, a young lawyer, Florence Holden, his sweetheart. Good, brisk action, clean. 
comedy, easily produced. Time,14 min. HIS FIFTY KIDS, a vaudeville concoction, by Harry L. Newton. Cast: 
Fairly Well, @ convivial husband; Mary, his wife. A screaming satire, illustrating what happened when a loving 
wife tried to buy her hubby’s cigars and keep himhome. Time, 15 min. A COUSIN FROM THE WEST, three-character 
sketch, by Jeff T. Branen. Cast: Ruthie Dubbles, a city girl; Tootsie Stubbles, her country cousin; Bubbles,@ 
stupid man-servant. Time, 15 minutes. IMA’S VISIT, a comedy for two females, by Harry L. Newton. Originally 
produced by the Thurber Sisters, and published with their kind permission. Cast: Jane Juniper, an eccentric 
woman; Ima Cook, her niece from Melon Center. Time, 15 minutes. THE NEW COOK, a two-character sketch, by 
Harry L. Newton. Cast: Tom Astor, astock broker, Mrs.Tom Astor, his wife. The lady changes to Irish Biddy. 
This act has been tried and proved. First produced at Tony Pastor’s Theatre by Mr. and Mrs. Lee J. Kellam, 
Time, 20min. THE HOTEL HALFBACK, a 20-minute afterpiece. Eight characters, but more may be introduced. 
All action, plenty of funny situations, and chances to introduce specialties. WHEN JOHNNY COMES MARCHING 
HOME, by Harry L. Newton. Cast: Morethan Full,a sporty husband; Jane, his wife. Positively the king-bee of 
all drunken-quarrel acts. CHARLOTTE’S RUSE, a four-character comedy sketch, by Harry L. Newton. Cast: Pyle 
O. Coyne, a wealthy stock jobber, Charlotte Coyne, his daughter; Knott A. Cent, her sweetheart; John A. Wise, 
a servant. A 20-minute mix-up. AN OLD SEA DOG, comedy sketch for lrish comedian and soubrette, by Harry L. 
Newton. Cast: Admiral Clancey, a old eal Daisy caleba, whos. pe Becher to wed. * dheeng eruen ep un. 
great value to all amateurs. u st of common theatrical terms is given 
Theatrical Phrases under this heading. Many a theatrical beginner has been ridiculed for ignor- 
ance of the commonest expressions in stagedom. You can get “wise” by just a little study of these phrases, 


All the above and more is included in 
The Vaudeville Prompter No. 5, which will be sent to 
any address for 50 cents 
N B You have now read the list of contents, and have probably compared it with previo is numbers of thé 
e e Prompter. Itis almost double the size of No. 4,isitnot? And while it is double the size of any one or 


rip ae publication of stage material on the market, we have not increased the price one cent. It is still 50 
cents. ted on fine stock, from new type, cover in two colors. Sent to apy address on receipt of the price. | 


Num e “- - . . = a cial Na 4 * 


See ee 


A Van \ ne Y Bo 4 YA AB" . TiS 
: >» a . i 
“4 5 : 4, tf 

tae ad : j by oe ] 


How to “Put on’ 
Minstrel Shows 


There are many so-called minstrel books on the market. These books are generally stale news- 
paper clippings thrown together, put into a cover, and advertised as a guide for amateurs. We know 
of so many cases where the amateur has been fooled that we hesitated when we first conceived the 
idea that a genuine guide for minstrel shows was badly needed. We realized we had to overcome 
the bad effects of the many worthless books on the market, but finally decided to go ahead, count- 
pres on our past 18 years of honorable dealing with the public to serve as a guarantee that we again 

er : 


e 


ou the only book of its kind in America. 

This book fs one of almost 200 pages, and printed from new type on novelty paper. It tells you 
everything you want to know about how to ‘‘put on’’ minstrels, and starts in with the idea that you 
have never had any experience in this class of work, and carefully tells you every little detail. ; 

This book tells you how to select your people among your friends; how to arrange and set the . 
stage; how to rehearse your people; how to make up and arrange your program, giving a printed 
form in the book. Gives complete words and music of one of the best medleys ever composed. 
This indispensable od eormag repre to the amateur, is worth its weight in gold. A red-hot opening 
mediey means a howling success for your show, if doue properly, and this k tells you how to do 
it properly, even telling you all the detail ‘stage business” for the end men. This book tells you. 
the steps and marches, when and how to use them. This book gives you page after page of funny 
sayings and jokes for the end men, tambos, and bones. Tells you the duty of everyone taking part 
in the show. Gives you a list of suitable first-part ballads and list of suitable end songs. Gives you 
lots of comical conversation for the middle man and end men, lots of new and clean stump speeches, 
all kinds of funny monologues, hundreds of jokes, get-backs, and afterpieces. Tells you how to 
close the first part, how to open the olio, what kind of acts to put on in the olio, and how to get u 
a big act for the closing of yourolio. Gives you list of all kinds of make-up, burnt cork, etc., wi 
prices, and tells you just where to get them. Gives you price-list of tambos and bones. This book 
also tells you how to black up and how to wash up, or, in other words, tells you the most simple and 
quickest way to take the “‘black”’ off your face and hands, This book tells you how to dress the first 
part, and the cheapest, and at the same time most effective, costume to make. Besides all this 
valuable information, which is now published for the first time, there is in this book enough stage 
material for a dozen shows. Our aim in putting this book on the market isto enable you to “put on” 
a first-class minstrel show by following every detail of the given instructions. Any previous ex . 

' ence ts positively not necessary if you have this book. Furthermore, the publisher of this book 
will gladly answer all questions free of charge pertaining to How to “Put on” Minstrel Shows. 
here is no better way to raise money fora church, camping fund, or any other worthy cause 
es Charity in any community than by getting up a minstrel show. Heretofore, we admit, without 
the experience it was a difficult and hard undertaking, but with How to “Put on” Minstrel Shows | 
within your reach, it is a simple matter. You will be simply amazed at its simplicity, 


THIS COMPLETE BOOK Sent to Any Address Upon Receipt of FIFTY CENTS 


ier 4 Fk ne: Pe pee Qe as am Rae ik op se sh nee ee ik 
OLD SEA ‘poa. A nove skit, ‘by ‘Harry Soe WHEN bnawiene ‘eomes wancurne 0mm 
ax obD 8 Characters,” ogy oe, br. ard sod+ A vaurleville - _eyclone- of fun, by Harry &, 
brette. Plays ph pte minutes. Great acs | epee b A _ Scene, an ordinary parlor, | ar. oe 
tion, new and o ‘oragy’” Irish speeches acters, a. “sport ** husband, and a wilt”. 
and striking finale. — Chance for “epeciaitics if ve ‘who is. venibinie ‘Or’ bim to come home. 4. ~~ 
Posie pers ‘Price, .25 cents. . “drunken’’ part for male, not overdrawn ang — 


‘CHRISTMAS. EVE. with plenty of witty, clean cross-fire. talk, i 
Net, by Harry L. IL. Ne A wh comegy arama “-. We have no hesitancy” in pronouncing this to. 
ee Sayisnd Es an ) his two d daugtees: |) be the best ‘drunken quarrel’’ agt ever writ- e 
Site! Miraignt.”. This sit le playlest is ful ten, | The Gnale is a “scream.” Price, 25 
SR cant interent, i dieely blamed | THE: fouNG ATTOR Vaudeville sketch; 
| Pate : at, an eas wi fa rz tT, Branen, A pawiees minutes. — 


y blended | 

ene es Se ee i daly oe and is & & iS ane ‘Juvenile and Ingenitle. A clever” 
é ae qohleng  t ‘any opal eee. eal + eomedy for two clever iio but not be 

 aieeoaat the title adeges ped being * ‘appr ee Ege of amateurs. oad a oe 
- Palate only for aoe Serine Bea fie LE ESN begs Me hie 

about half hour, and the curtain. 
“9 beautital qualée : debe but oe 1 
ish. Price, 25 ce eit ye i oat tee 
RUSH MESSAGE, By Henry ary L, Newton. 
Comedian and Natieltes Plays. “pix en A 
pas 3 A ‘crazy’? act, but | Be that me es ‘em 

er lg a } cents. — s 2 net 

BECO -HAND “MAN, By. fats ewton 
"Plays fifteen. minutes. Hebre y and Rube. 
fhe, al bcp Shira tevlomee sais © 


A CRAZY. ee oe monologne, nt 8 Harry ae ne 
Newton. A screaming comedy — tat 


on the, famo oa which: is described the funny experiences of — 
vhs Naty ; ‘an actor’s summer yaeation, He goes to a 
a Ho pee male, hotel which is run er ab junderta cer, ‘The . 


& iets or eas Worn j a Had sees a 
‘the life of a thoro ar ‘tramp. Ten aE 
ba Me ‘of thoroughbred: Age cele full of thor-° 
; i aes, BOO or bred. comedy, whic is Ts Sra a to con-~ 
““gIELy?? ‘WILLIE's a eine. A. roar! Eee ae se an ee ice 
~ yille concection, by Smiley— Smyth. A “silly’’ HOT ‘A monologue, by Vrarty Ln New-. 
od hee shart avh aia Is. on his ‘‘smart’’ city. young “ton. A ie ht and breezy talk, brimtul ot. 
Will act itself almost, as the —  “ughs,”* A freak hotel, where freaks board. 
mas ile 308 ‘‘business’’ makes an "audience. The © ‘Armless wonder passes the butter with ~ 
scream. A good. “silly, kid’ ‘get ts hard to_ hts feet, the Dog-fate boy marries the Fat 
«bor ey this one. aoe bg cents. ey. : ‘woman, d is forced take ont a dog’ 
A iy license. good idea ee Monologue, Plays. 
twelve ‘minat Bs” Fe hg 15 cents, 
VE—ON . FF TH 


E STAGE, A monos ; 
logue, by Harry wh S Nostan ‘ove is a subj 
that touches everybody, We've all been: 
— touched” - at one time or anether in our 
lives. ‘Love On and Of the Stage’? is a. 
comedy conversation “38 a ludicrous seventy: 

5 don ef Love a8 it is.in real life, and ag 


_, appes - f° seen on the stage, A sure-fire hit. Pri fee ; 
xe When ‘ V8 cents 
TRUE ‘LOVER'S. NOT. ‘THE MECHANOIAL HUSBAND, A monologue, _ 
2 Brit SOO os _ Balch. » : 


‘by Garry L. Newton, Every. wom oa now has 
a chan¢e to get a husband. The ‘‘Mechanical 
-Husband’’ is a new and great idea, All a- 
Avoraan has to do is ‘“‘press the button’’ and 
iG sit pond ach ‘husband does the ‘rest.’" 
‘Price, 15 

¥Y FIRST “APPEARANCE, A monologue, a 
Harry L. Newton, A roaring description of . 
‘the timid man’s first appearance on any stage, - 
~ You will ange he appreciate this tafk, com-. 
‘paring it with the state of your own feelings, 
“the first time you faced an fa ee | Plays. 


about fifteen mi ay Tae 
SLIDE ere AO THE PACIFIC OGAST. oe mono-— 
Pet ~L. Newton. 2A. happy-go- 


io pores, we a doctor’ 5 


act, wi 
te 


Sree pulitanyy Pn 
eae shis ack ae 


ane a peeks Bisse 
ae. SS roarin bur 


head cents, — son ate de 
ARIOR Harry L. Serio 
n minn Veh Eh ade Rohe ‘gentleman. Ss 
: gees ign fe full of bright, ‘clean co medy, 
25° cents. ae i es ct 
UNCLE ‘TOM’. CABIN, - Burlesque 
~~ New P. Characters, two male, - le 
Plays fifteen m minutes. Scene, exterior, Cos 
fumes, eccentric, | Price, call ta ae 


Order. above ook from 


SRD eo on Harry Tk: Newton. One of 
'. those “highly. by Bary 1 ‘conversation aie 
- owhich are always in big demand. Can bo 
-*fdone'’ anywhere, by anybody. A laugh ie 
every Nne. Price, 15. cents, is, 


VI we ROSSI TE R, Publisher, Chicago 


For the convenience oA our Pace S we Span ist of our several 
catalogs, any of which will be sent free 1 pon Lee of Feast and 


|. stamp for POSES 


Catalog No. ie ~ Joke- 


This catalog contains a | eurehally one te ‘of te eat 


humorous books of the day, including many suitable for stage use. é: , a 


Also all kinds of miscellaneous books on various ‘subjects, ‘such as 


Toast Books, After Dinner Stories, Dream Books, Fortune Tellers, ede 


Letter Writers, Physical Culture Books, Song Books and all kinds — 2 
of Instruction Books. Cae No. a sent frec es aa of 
2-cent selene ae ve ae 2 


Cotsen 


ie Play: ys, Shenae | 
7 Minor, Dramas, Wee Material, etc. 


‘This catalog contains a specially selected list of the best. Plays, A ee 
Dramas, Vaudeville Sketches, Comedies, “Monologues, ever oar: Y 
pertaining to Minstrel Shows, ‘including all necessary materials, 2 
complete list of Make-up Materials, Grease-paints, Vee ete. Cate - 
alog No. 2 sent free ss tn of cent ‘stamp. eons ie 


2 Ww Hl Rests Ay “Sheet Music Bulletin n} 
ISSUED MONTHLY, one complete list of all the very latest 

- popular vocal and instrumental music, at cut. prices. Send 2-ce: 

stamp with request to have your : name placed onour ‘Made Bulletin — 

List and you will receive each 1 new y Bulletin i {pata GE es 
Address all mail to | : 


PUBLISHER J. 


“SHYLOCK BONES.” 


By HARRY L. NEWTON | 


“WILL ROSSITER : 
PUBLISHER 8 see 
CHICAGO, 1 3 ; 


BOS 


BOOKING AGENT. By Harry L. Newton 


oe BASE, Hates) 


By a ede cents. as ES ae 
a _MARMLESS FLIRTATION. | 


ie ALICE } IN BLUNDERLAKD. 


A BOGUS. OETECTIVE, “a conception of com 


“BULTIN OF BUTTONDENDERS. By ‘Harry, Lr Page 


ath 28 ¢ Saas. 
CHARLOTTE'S ‘RUSE. ‘Ouk. act “farce, if 2B 


‘COUNTRY VISITOR, Fadgnaliee one atk tases 


A COUSIN FROM THE. se ae origina 


2 


NE we ‘SELECTED | LIST OF 


bg 


: For both Profe e s s st o ane : and Amat eur r perf or mances | 


Ci & Reaaesitie! edie 


ne in one act, FIFTY. ‘KIDS. 
by Harry. L. New ton. Plays twenty minutes — 


‘by William Lincoln: Baleh. _ Characters, - four 
male, two female. Plays. thirty minutes 
Scene, Sada tea supper-rocm- in hot el te 

tumes, Price, 25 cents. 


edy for vaudeville entertainments, by Harry L also buys — him a box of cigars and several 
Newton. Plays eighteen minutes. Scene, a 
hotel parlor. Characters, an. ‘actress and_ 
tramp, A fine act, on the mistaken identity 
order. Good finish and opportunity for hee 


oe of Syrian ik Passos contuhar Se Price, a 


ogue ~ witty, and the finish novel and unex: _ 
Bled: A great satire on one “Of Man's many _ 
_ fvibles. Price, 25 cents 

“THE HOTEL HALFBACK. ‘One act farce, by. 

Harry L. ~Newton. Seven male, one female 


ess as. cireumstances will allow. Costumes, 


Comedian and lady. - Plays fifteen minutes 
neat and eccentric. — Scene, country hotel 


One of the. nee pede fire dial gues ever 
written. Price 


and furious. Good parts for Rube, Dutch, 
Newton. Irish comedian and lady. Plays” 
fifteen minutes. Not much plot, hotel farce is— always. funny, but this is a 
of nee comedy and ene Mielognes a ies spasm of mirth. A great thing for an after-— 
Sate Stae ely or opening number for “rep”. shows. 

. Harry L. Newton. “One female, three | mate UMANITY. Farce, by Gillespie ‘and. Reilly. 
_ characters. Plays twenty- -five minutes. ‘Scene, | 
an easy interior. Costumes, modern. Char- 

-  Yette Coyne conceives a plan to circumven 
\ her cruel — father’s objections | to her sweet- 


fifteen minutes. Scene, library. Costumes, | 
-. modern. “Price, 25 cents. : 

-IMA’S VISIT. A clever vaudeville vehicle, by. 
as » as the count Harry L. Newton. Plays fifteen minutes. 
pert of the house servant, and a bes spe ~ Qharacters, an. eccentric middle- -aged woman, 
Yalxup ensues; even she, herself, cannot te 
the two apart. A eaxpital. comedy, full o 
oe mp tapas and big anomie Gnale to to curtain. 


makes change to refined and up-to-date girl. 
Good» chance to introduce Specialties if so de-— 
sired. A good sketch for two women is a hard 
hing. to find, but. Megrontiat Visit” is certainly 
g00d. Price, 25 cents. 
UMPEINS | JUMBLE, — ‘Comedy, by. Harry oe 
Newton. Characters, two male, two female. 
Wadi “twenty minutes. Scene, a _ sitting- 
. Costumes, rural. Price, 25 cents. 


by Chris Lane. Characters, three | male 
, Plays fifteen minutes. Scene, ‘public. room © 
buffet. Costumes, two celty. tren one rube 
‘This has proved a great A ~ amateu 
 theatricals. Price, 25 cents. 


vaudeville | skit, by Jeff T. Branen, » Char 
getters, @ “rube" girl, a city girl and a scut 
tering male servant. Twelve minutes of res 
Na Can be played in an ordinary parlor 
no special ‘pro s”’ or costumes required. | 
_yuaranteed ree Seat Price, 25 cents. i 
“¥ORTUNE-TELLER, Harry L.- Rewtol ern, 
Plays fifteen, Seth een bustness, suappy Ci ‘ LAM 
; HE N A eaudernie: _guecess, by 


, Alalogue. Great ‘travesty finale. Price EW COOK, 
~Warry -L. Newton. Scene, an ordinary parlor. 


bomedys: by ‘Jeffre Plays twenty minutes. Characters; a young. 
 -.  Branen. . Characters, three male, OR tock broker and a jealous wife. ‘The wite | 
female. Plays fifteen minutes. Scene, dining- changes to Irish biddy part. — Originally pro-- 
room fg aulaee Costumes, — modern, rice, } youre with-great success Mr. and Mrs. Les - 
cents. Ae ee: Kellam, Tony Pastor's theatre, New Yor). 
‘HAWKSHAW, ‘THE DYSPEPTIC, . ie An n- up-to ie of. the bert ‘acta ever put > into priptest 
“"date version of an old favorite. Written by form. Price, 25 cents. 
_ Barry L. Newton. Characters, a broken-down > 
- aetor and an- eccentric. negro. ea be. played 
Oh any” ‘stage. or platform. — Costumes” and - 
4 **propa”’ simple. j Tails Mttle comedy ds. classec 
among the ‘sure-fire’ _ vaudeville acts, as th 
| Gfalogue ia screamingly funny, the situations 
~ are ludicrous and the action brisk. “tNow that. 
I have written the note, who will take it?’ 
You’ve heard that es thousand ‘times, but neve 
before have you bean able to obtain a printed 
‘veraion of the old favorite. Price, 25 cents. — something doing all the time. Price, 25 cents. | 


“Order above | goods: from WILL ROSSITER Puvnener Chicago 


“Trish comedians. Plays fifteen _minutes. — 
te ae Sune rapid are; ‘conversation. Price, 


2 ce 
MR. SIAGARWS” ‘FALL. “A> comic sketch, by 
Harry L, Newton. Plays fifteen — minutes. 
es and ‘Dutch — comedian. Costumes, mod- 


one act, by Harry L, Newton. — Two fenale, 
two male | characters. Scene, a -school- -FooM). 


arts are on the ‘‘Sis Hop kins’’ order. A 
fine vehicle for the intromiction of songs, | 
 dences and recitations. While eat a four char- ay 
acters are cast, more may easily be added at | 


and fad BE ‘second of every minute there’s a 


bottles of whisky. The action is brisk, dia- ~ 


characters, which may be altered to more or — 


office, ‘Playa about thirty minutes. Fun, fast 4 
Blackface, | Tramp comedians.:- A ‘‘Rube*’’ | 


Characters, two male, one female. Plays — 


Ws 


and a. “Sis Hopkins’' young woman, who later 5 


MESSRS, GRIN & ‘BARERETT. Skit for two | 


dips ta paar Price, 25 | 


‘ 


‘THE NEW TEACHER, A waudeville: farce: fa 


Five: ‘about — thirty-five minutes. The male if 
parts are Dutch: and ‘‘Silly Kid."’ The female — 


the option of ‘performers. _ Not a dull moment; _ 


IS Nova | 


SHYLOCK BONES. ~~ 
A BuRLESQUE ON SHERLOCK HoutMeEs. 


By Harry L. Newron. 
Copyright MCMVI by Will Rossiter, Chicago, Ill. 


A vaudeville playlet. Playing time, 20 minutes. 
Time, any old time. Puacr, London (?). 


CHARACTERS. 


SuyLtock Bonss, a defective detective. 
Dr. Swatson, his friend. 

Bruuy, Shylock’s office boy. 

CouUNTESS OUT, in search of her pet dog. 
Pror. Moore Airity, a regular villain. 


SCENE. 


Sitting room in Shylock Bones’ house. Large table at 
center stage, covered with cloth, which hangs almost 
to floor. On table are books, papers, call bell and 
an empty, large tin owl can; also pipes, tobacco and 
matches. The whole effect of stage setting being to 
represent a bachelor’s apartment or den. 


COSTUMES. 


Suyitock Bones. Face made up thin and white; 
eyes darkened and lines underneath. Wears long 
lounging robe and. slippers. Entire effect being a 
reproduction of the original Sherlock Holmes’ 
pictures only burlesqued. . 

Dr. Swatson. Face reddened; wig slightly gray; - 
long, gray whiskers. Dressed in black cutaway... 
suit; cane, gloves and high hat. Dignified ap- . 
pearance. Very delicate in speech and action. 

. 


o 


z | Suytock BoNEs. 


Bitty. Face red, red wig; dressed in tight fitting 
suit of blue, or bell boy’?s uniform. Speaks with 
strong Cockney accent. Eccentric in manner. 

Countess Our. <Hlegant, up-to-date costume. 
Speaks with much affectation and imitating a swell 
society woman. . oh ge 

Pror. Moore AIRITY. Smooth jace; hair ‘slightly 
gray. Rusty black swit and very seedy in gen- 
eral appearance. Speaks with an Irish brogue. 
(Enter Dr. Swatson at rise. Walks briskly to table— 

center—lays his hat and.cane on it, then rings bell.). 3 
(Enter Billy with a rush.) | , 
Dr. S.: Billy, is your master up yet? 

Bitty: Yes, sir; I don’t think he is, sir. 

DReSe Tell him I should like a word with him. -. 
(Billy starts for door.) One moment, Billy. (Billy 
stops, turns.) Tell him perhaps I shall speak more | 
than one word. Ree 

Bitty: Thank ye kindly, sir. (Exits, with a 
rush.) | 

Dr. S.: Smart boy, that. He’ll be larger when 
he grows some. (Turns to table, picks up a book, . 
opens 1.) . 

‘(Enter Shylock Bones. He has his hands in the 
pockets of his lounging robe. Walks slowly to table, 
picks up oi can, places small end to one wrist and 
presses the bottom with thumb, as af wimjecting mor- 
phine. Dr. Swatson, still with book in hands, watches 
him closely the while.) 

Bones (Laying down can, discovers Dr.): Ah, . 
good morning; doctor. I knew you were here. 

Dr. 8.: (Shaking his head.): _My dear fellow, why 
do you persist in using that awful stuff? It will only 
kill you. as 

Bones: Tut, tut, and likewise pooh-pooh, doc. - 
[ am Shylock Bones. Nothing can kill me. But, 
sit down, doc. I’m feeling rotten this morning. I 
haven't captured a murderer since last night. 


SHyLock Bones. 3 


(Both sit.) MRC ven Gite cain ok 
Dr. 8.: Yes, I know, Shylock. A man of your 
temperament must have ‘a murderer every ‘ten 
minutes or he gets lonesome. ‘Tell me, how did you 
know I was here? Ne 

Bones: - Doc, you surprise me. Really, I give: 
you credit for having more horse sense. I simply 
deduced it from the evidence I had in-hand. ~ « 

Dr. §S.: Evidence?- I don’t understand; Shy- 
lock. © ‘f 

Bones: Very simple matter, Doc. Billy told me’ 
you were here, and from that I made my deductions. ° 
(Picks up prpe, fills and lights it.) 

Dr. 8.: Wonderful! Wonderful! 

Bones: Nothing wonderful about it, doc. - 
simply a matter of deduction. (Looks closely at Dr.) 
You had eggs for your breakfast this morning. ~ 
You had eggs, didn’t you? sa 

Dr. 8.: Ah, that’s where you’re wrong. I did ~ 
not have eggs for my breakfast. Why do you say © 
I had? 

Bones (Rising and pointing his finger in Dr.’s 
face.) Deduction again, doc. The yellow of eggs is - 
still in your beard. | 

Dr. 8. (Putting hand to whiskers.): You are 
away Off, Shylock. Today is Thursday. I only eat 
egos on a Friday. It is just a week tomorrow since ~ 
I ate the eggs which left these stains on my whiskers, 
Ha, ha, ha! 

BONES (Sinking back into chair.): Curses on my | 
deduction! I should have known you bathe but 
once a week. 

Dr. 8.: Cheer up, Shylock; the worst is yet to 
come. 

Bones (Sighing.): Nothing can be worse, doc; ” 
nothing can be worse. a ier 

(Enter Billy, with a rush. Runs all about stage, 
jumping on chairs, over furniture and so forth, crazy « 


4 SHyLock. BoNngEs. 


manner. Then he stops in front of Bones and salutes.) 

Bones: Well, Billy, what is it? 

. Bruty: There’s a carriage without, sir!? 

Dr. 8.: Without what, Billy? 

BONES: Doctor, there’s but one answer. If 
there’s a carriage without, it is without. horses. 

Dr: §.: An Automobile? 

Bones: Sure, Mike. 

Dr. 8.: Wonderful! Wonderful! 

Bones: Merely a matter of deduction, doc; that’s 
all. (Puffs on pipe vigorously.) Has the auto- 
mobile four wheels, Billy? 

Bitty: Yes, sir; thank ye kindly, sir. 

Bones: Ah, ’tis as I thought. < 

Bitty: And there was a man in it, sir He 

‘ Bongs ([nterrupting.): Aman? ’Tis as I thought 
A male man, doc; not a dog or a cat, but a male man. 
Billy, listen closely to me. Has the ran four 
fingers and a thumb on one hand, and a thumb and 
four fingers on the other hand? | 

Bitty: Yes, sir; thank ye kindly, sir. 

‘Bones (Lays down pipe, picks up oil can, injects 
into wrist as before; then sighs and lays it back on 
table.): Doe, forgive me, but I needed a little 
stimulant after such arduous brain labor. 

Dr. 8.: But the man, Shylock? The man out- 
side with four fingers and a thumb on one hand and 
a thumb and four fingers on the other? Who is he? 
(Excited manner.) 

Bones (Mysterious manner and voice.): Sh! 
Doc, that man is a regular villain in the play. He 
smokes cigarettes and plays golf. 

Dr. 8.: Horrible! horrible! | 

Bones: - But that is not all. ~Far be it from 
those, doc. Be i 

Dr. S.: Can he be worse than that? 

Bones: Yes, doc. Years ago this man was 
respectable and well thought of. But he has gone 


~ 


SuHyLock BONES. 5 


from bad to worse and now he has been seen to ride 
home:in the smoking compartment of a car. . 

Dr. 8S. (Springs to his feet, agitated manner.): 
Good Heavens! And you would admit such a man 
to your rooms? : 

Bones: Yes. But remember I am_ Shylock 
Bones. Nothing can harm me. (70 Billy.) Billy, 
show the man up. 

Bitty: Yes, sir; thank ye kindly, sir: (Runs 
all about the stage, in crazy manner, over chairs and 
so forth, then exit.) | 

Dr. §.: A bright boy, that Billy. : 

Bongs: ‘Yes, he comes by it naturally. His 
father died of Bright’s disease. And now, doc, I 
must ask a favor of you. Please step into a side - 
room until I call you. I think I shall need your 
assistance. I am about to meet a regular villain. 

Dr. 8.: Well, give him a slap on the wrist, Shy- 
lock, and make him behave. 

Bones: All right, doc. Now make your get-a- 
way. iy ! 

Dr. 8.: Very good. I’m off. (Hzuit.) 

Bones: Yes, I knew that a long time ago. 
He’s away off. (Taps forehead significantly, with 
finger tips.) : 

(Enter Prof. Moore Airity. Stands in center door, 
looks at Bones for an instant before speaking. Boncs 
returns the look, hands in pockets.) Ss 

Pror.: Mr. Shylock Bones, I believe. | 

Bones (Staggering back—hisses.): Discovered!. 

Pror. (Advancing slowly into room, eyes on Bones. 
Bones retreats and gets behind table.): I have: come 
to see you on a matter of grave importance. 

Bones: I knownothing about graves. Go to the 
cemetery, Prof. Moore Airity. | Ag 
— Pror.: Ah, you are a joker! I thought you was 
only. a two-spot. A dirty deuce in a dirty deck. Mr. 
Shylock Bones. ee 


-Suytock Bonus. 


Os 


(They. have both been walking around the table. 
Bones backing away and the Prof. following. » They 
make circuit of table three times—then:—) . 

Pror.: When you get through with this one 
hundred dash I’d like to talk with you—Mister 
Shylock Bones! 

_ Bones: I know what you have came for— 

Pror.: Bah! - And you are afriad? 

. Bonss: I am Shylock Bones, the gr-eat detec- 
tive! I am never afraid—in a book. Sit down; 
and be careful how you take your hand from your 
pocket. (Prof.. has right hand in hip pocket, .while 
Bones has right hand in right hand pocket of dressing 
gown. Prof. sits down slowly, all. the while with 
eyes on Bones and hand in hip pocket; as he.sits on 
chair he makes a quick movement and. pulls out 
handkerchief; at the same time Bones makes. quick 
move and. pulls. out pi pe. These movements .to be 
made as if both were suspicious of cach other and.both 
were drawing._revolvers. This 1s_a burlesque on a 
scene from the ‘Sherlock Holmes’ play, and should 
be done in the manner described. Make actions 
deliberate and allow sufficient time for “laughs.” 

« -Pror.: ~ You have the best of me,: ister Shylock 
Bones. You are there with the “pipe.” ; 

Bones (Standing against table, with pipe clutched 
in right hand and stem pointing at Pr of.): Yes, Be 
I am going to smoke up, too. 

Pror.: ‘That’s right; smoke up before you go out. 


Bones. (Sits down, fills and lights pipe while 
speaking.): Now, Prof. Moore Airity, to what. am 
indebted for the honor of your visit? What’s your 
game, anyhow? The last I knew of. you, you. were 
a book-agent. Have you reformed since then? 

-.. Pror.: No, I have not reformed Mister Shylock 
Bones... I shall. never.-reform. .I go from bad to 
worse. ) 


SHYLOCK BONES. : 7 


Bones: Ah! He is going from Chicago to St. 
Louis. Isn’t he a villain? 

Pror.: In my former vocation of book-agent, 
I called on you on various occasions to try and in- 
duce you to buy my books. But, curse you! You 
refused! Now I have come again. ~ 

Bones (Half rising, excited manner.): What! 
with more books? — | | 

Pror.: No! I have come to take your lie! 
(Rises to fect, with. right hand inside breast pocket of 
coat.) 

Bones (Star tled, rings bell on fable calls:): ‘Billy! 
Billy, Isay! (Slight pause.) 

Pror. (Sneeringly.): Your servant does not 
appear to answer very promptly this morning, 
Mister Shylock Bones. 

Bones: Take your hand from that inside aaages 
Prof. Moore Airity. Take your hand from. that 
pocket. 

Pror.: Bah! What: are you afraid of? 

_ Bones: You said you had come to take my 
life. 

Pror. (Draws out jolded piece of legal-looking 
paper from pocket.): And so I have. I have come 
to take your life—insurance. | 

Bones (Falls back on his chair, business of gasping, 
choking and so forth.): No, No! Anything but 
that! Anything but that, you wretch! —~ 

Pror. (Chuckles.): Ha, ha! The blow has 
struck home! But your Billy does not answer the 
bell. I wonder what has happened to him? 

(Tremendous noise off stage. Both men jump to 
feet and stand facing center door. Noise continues for 
an instant, then Billy comes rushing in... His. face 
is chalky white, his collar hangs from his neck band 
with a single.thread. He has on a torn coat, and his 
trousers are turned up halfway to his knees.- He 
rushes up to Bones and. salutes.) | 


“8 SHYLOCK BONES 


Bones: Billy, I rung the bell three times. Why 
did you not come hither from thence? | 

Bitty: Thank ye kindly, sir; but that guy 
there talked life insurance to me, and I just come to. 

Bones (Turning to Prof.): Do you hear that, 
you villain? He just come two. He should have 
come once, but now he comes two times. 

Pror.: Ha, ha! and ha, ha! 

Bonus: Billy, he is giving us the ha—ha! 

Bitty: Thank ye kindly, sir. 

Bones: Billy, this man here is only a life insurance 
agent. He doesn’t belong in this room. He is try- 
ing to insure the life of Shylock Bones, the gr-eat 
detective. Kick him from the house. 

Bitty: Oh, thank ye very kindly, sir. 

(Bones takes up oil can and injects into wrist, 
turning back to Prof. Billy grabs Prof. by coat 
collar and seat of trousers and runs him through 
center door, then releases him and kicks hard at Pro}. 
This is instantly followed: by noise in imitation of 
some. object falling down stairs and then by sound of 
breaking glass. Bully then exits from view of audi- 
ence.) 

Bones (Laying down oil can.): This is my busy 
day. 

‘(Enter Dr. S.) 

Dr. S. (Coming briskly to Bones.): Which way 
did he go? | 

(Crash off stage.) _ 

Bones: You hear for yourself. 

Dr. S.: Is he coming back? 

Bones: No; he’s going yet. 

(Another crash off stage:) 

’. Dr. 8.: That Billy is a smart boy. : 7 
- Bones: Yes, and he made the professor smart. . . 
(Both sit.) | | 

Dr. S.: Was he the man you thought he was? 


SuHyYLock Bones. Q 


Bonres: No. Billy had no trouble in throwing 
him out. 

Dr. 8.: JI mean to say, did he answer your 
description? | 

Bones: Yes, he had four fingers and a thumb 
on each hand. He came to take my life. 

Dr. §.: Horrible! 

Bones: My life insurance. 

Dr. 8.: Still more horrible! 

(Enter Billy. Runs all about stage, over furniture 
and so forth, then stops and salutes Bones.) 

Bones: Well, Billy, What’s eating you. this 
time? | 

Bitty: Thank ye kindly, sir; but there’s a 
lady without. . 

Bones: Ah, very interesting, I’m sure. Does 
she wear a dress, some sort of a wrap and a hat, 
Billy? 

Bitty: She does, sir; thank ye very kindly, sir. 

Bones: Ah, very suspicious; very suspicious. 

Dr. 8.: Wonderful! How did you know it was 
a woman, Shylock? 

Bones: A mere matter of deduction. A man 
does not wear the articles I mentioned, doc. 

‘Dr. 8.: Pshaw! I never thought of that. 

Bones: Never mind, old chap. We can’t all 
be Shylock Bones, you know. You will oblige me, 
doc, if you will keep your trap closed while the lady 
is in the room. 

Dr. 8.: Certainly; I shall obey. 

Bonrs (To Billy.): Show the lady up, Billy. 

Bitty: Thank ye kindly, sir. (Runs all about 
stage and exits.) Pe BM 

Dr. 8.: A very clever boy, that Billy. 

Bonss (Injects with oil can.): You'll forgive me, 
doc, but I need this in my business. This is a desper- 
ate woman who is now without.) 

(Countess Out, outside—‘Oh, where is he? Where 


10 _ Suyzteck Bones. 
is he? I must see him at once!” Both men jump 
from their chairs and then crawl quickly under the table.) 

(Countess Out enter.) 

Countsss (Looks all about the room, then walks in 
agitated manner all about stage.): They - have lied 
to me. They told me he was here. 

Bones (Sticks head from under the table.): He ~ 
has just gone out to shoot a couple of burglars. 
He’ll be back tomorrow. . 

CountEss (Still walking in agitated manner; does not 
appear to hear Bones’ remark.) Oh,-why. is he not 
here? Why is he not here? 

Bones: Because he is here, Madam. 

CounTEss (Stops, wrings hands.): I must calm 
myself, or I shall not be able to tell him all. 

Bones: Shame on you. Teil me all or I won’t 

lay. 
; se S. (Sticks head. out from other side of table.): 
Did you. lose something, Madam? | (Draws head 
back again.) | 

_ Countess (Starting and looking all about.): What 
voice was that I heard? 

Bones: That was the ice man, — 

Countess (Discovers Bones’ head sticking from 
under neath table cloth.): Ah, there is somebody 
under that table. Perhaps it’s a dog. 

_ Bones: Yes, it’s a,.dog. Bow-wow! Bow-wow! 
(Barks loudly.) - 

- Countess: Perhaps it’s my little Jack. The 
little dog I have lost. Here Jack, come here. 
(Stoops down, sees Bones and Dr. under table.) Why, 
there are two men—perhaps burglars under the 
table. (Screams.) Help! Help! Murder! Thieves! 

Bones (Crawling from under table; stands up.) 
Fear nothing, Madam. Iam here! 

CountTEss: And who are you? 

Bones: Shylock Bones, the gr-eat detective 
(Folds arms across his breast.) 


Suyztock Bonss. ae | 


CounTESS: Saved! Saved! 

Dr. 8. (Crawls from under table; jumps to feet.): 
Shaved! shaved! 

Countess: For gracious sake! What were you 
doing under that table? 

. Bones: Merely making a few deductions—that’s 
all. 7 
mw Drisi. That’s-all, adams 

Countess (Asvide.): Strange thing for a great 
detective to be doing. But now to have him find 
my Jack. My dear, sweet, little doggie. : 
Bones (Aside.): She has a shoe on each foot. 
Very suspicious. Very suspicious, indeed. (7'o 
Countess.) What brought you here, madam? 

. Countsss: I have lost something—Oh, .I have 
lost something. (Wrings hands.) 
| Bones (To Dr.): Doe, have you, got it? 

Dr. S.: No; you can search me. 

_ Bones (To Countess.) : And. what have you lost, 
Madam? 

Countess: I have lost my Jack—my poor Jack. 

‘Bones (Aside.): Ah, she has lost her husband. 
Poor thing! (To Countess.) Pray, be seated. I 
must. ask you a few questions. 

(All take chairs.) , 

CountEss: “Yes,-yes; ask all you wish, but insSe 
hurry... # | 

Bones: At what time did you first miss Jack? 
_ Countess: This morning; smeeiately _after 
I had given him his breakfast. __ 

Bones (Jn an aside, to Dr.): He ducked just as 
soon as she gave him.a breakfast. Very suspicious. 
{To Countess.) And what. did you give him for 
breakfast? 

CounTEss:- A nice, large dog biscuit. 0. 

_ Bones (To Dr.): | Can you blame Jack for making 
his escape? (Dr. shakes head,. Bones picks up pencil, 
makes notes.) Was he in the habit of leaving. the 


a OF LL Lib. 


12 SHyLock BOongEs. 


house immediately after he got his nice, large dog 
biscuit? — 

Countess: No, no! Hes never left my side—not 
in years before. (Aside.) Oh, my poor little dog— 
my poor little dog! 

Bones: Ah, never left your side in years. Which 
side, Madam? 

CouNnTESs: Why, both sides, sir. That’s a 
figure of speech. But don’t trifle with me; don’t 
trifle with me. Can’t you see I’m in despair? 

Bonses (To Dr.): She’s in despair. Very sus- 
picious—very suspicious. (7’o0 Countess.) Did he 
have any bad habits, Madam? 

Countress: A few: But he was not at all 
vicious. Sometimes he growled at me—that’s all. 

Bones (Aside to Dr.): Ah, he growled at her. 
Very suspicious. Very likely a cranky sort of a 
husband. 7 

CounTEss: Oh, sir, tell me; do you think you 
can find him? 

Bones: Oh, no doubt of it. Will yeu please 
give me a description of him, madam. 

Countess: He was all white except for a black 
spot on the center of his back. His one ear was 
brown and the other was black. 

Dr. §.: He looks like a freak to me, Shylock. | 

Bones: Silence, doctor. This grows interesting. 
Was he born with those marks on him or did he 
come by them through any fault of yours, Madam? 

CountsEss: Sir! He was born that way. I 
am in no wise responsible for those marks. 

Bones. (Aside, thoughtfully.): Ah, very  sus- 
picious! Very suspicious.. (Picks wp oil can, in- 
jects into wrist.) 

Countess: Do you have hope, sir? — 

Bonrs. (Absent mindedly.): Oh, yes, would you 
like’ some? (Recovers. himself.) No, no, I don’t 
mean that. 2 Be tia eis. 


SHyYLock Bones. 13 


CounTEss: Then you have no hope? 

Bonres: No. Ask the doctor. He may have 
some in his pockets somewhere. Doc, have you any 
hope? | 

-Countess: Oh, sir, I beg— 

Bones: She’s going to beg now. Madam, I 
have-no hope and no money. You can’t beg any- 
thing from me. 

Countess: Then I shall go. I was told to come 
to Shylock Bones and that he would find my Jack. 

Bones: Forgive me; I will find Jack for you, 
even if it breaks my heart. One thing more, 
Madam. ~What did Jack have on when he left his 
happy home? 

Countess: Just a collar. : 

Bonnrs (Springing to has feet.): Just a what, 
Madam? 

. (Dr. also gumps to feet, stares in astonishment.) 

CountTEss: Just a collar. 

Bones: For the love of heaven! Doc, what do 
you think of that? 

Dr. 8.: I think he’ll get pinched quick. 

Bones (To Countess.): Are you quite sure that 
he had on only a collar? | | 
Countess: Why, certainly. I guess I ought to 

know. 

Bones: I guess you had. Very suspicious; 
very suspicious. Where did he have the collar, 
Madam? . 

Countrss: Why, around his neck, to be sure. 
Where else would he have it? 

Bones: True. Where else would he have it? 
What was the color of his hair? 

Countess: Pure white, sir. 

Bones (Aside.): Well, what do you think: of 
that. old reprobate? White haired ‘and running’ 
away from home with nothing but a collar about 
his neck, too. What was his age, Madam? *- | 


14 SuyLock Bones, ~ 


Countess: - Seven- months exactly. 
_ Bones -(surprised.): Seven what? 
Countess: Seven months. 


Bones: Very suspicious—very suspicious! If: 


he is only seven months of‘age, how old was he when 
he married you? 


CounTEss. (Springing to her feet; indignantly.) :: 
_ When he married me? You 100M What are you: 


talking about? - 
Bones: About Jacke your seven months old 
husband. 


Countess: Oh, you idiot! Jack is my dog— 


my little dog. 

Bones: Another great hese solved, doc— 
Oh, how tried I am. ‘(Sinks into chair, picks up 
ok can, injects.) ; 

(Enter Billy, with a 1 rush. ) 


Bitty: ‘Prof...Moore Airity is out there witha 


gun. He’s coming to kill ye, sir. 
(Countess screams and runs pom room. Noise 


off stage.) 


Dr. §.: “Haye -no-fear,-Shylock. Run like the 


deuce.. I'll set the pace. 


(Dr. runs once about stage, Bae followed by 


Bones, both. exit. Billy stands and watches them, 
then runs in his crazy manner about stage and exit.) 
(Loud shot fired off stage, then music plays a 


funeral. march. Enter Bully, marching in time to- 


music. He is followed by Dr. Swatson and Shylock 
Bones. The doctor has his. hands’ thrust. out before 
him and covered with a pair-of boots. Bones has his 
head thrown. back and a bed sheet covers them both; 


that is, i exposes the boots carried by Dr. Swatson; f 


and then runs along and comes just under the chin of 
Bones. In other words, the effect to be produced.is that 


of. two men carrying the: body of another. on :their : 
shoulders; ..where. in reality there are but ‘two, the” 
effect will be-that of three. As center ‘stage ts reached; a 


* 


- Billy jerks- sheet off, exposing the trick. Bones goes 
to table, picks up oil can, injects and then’ says: 
“Another mystery solved, doc.” Dr. and Billy mak 
a low bow to him, as curtain falls.) . 7 


(Quick curtain.) - 


- « Snytock Bongs. POTTS weal! 


'|WILL ROSSITER 


-Vaudeville 
Prompterwo.0 


There is hardly need of our launching: much laudatory language rela-~ 
tive to the Vaudeville Vrompter. ‘The book is now firmly established on 
its own merits, and YOU know it. You know what the past issues have — 
been, Perhaps all you are interested in is. to know something about the 
contents of No.6. Lotsof our patrons don’t even care what’s between: 
the Covers. They simply say: ‘When the next number, Comes out, rush 
it to me.’’ They know it’s us:ble material or it wouldn’t be in the 
Promnter. No, 6is better than No.5, Better than anything in its line in- 
tne world. HERE ARE SOME OF THE GOOD THINGs IN No. 6: 

H and valuable information relative to staging of ‘‘Home Talent” — 
Good Advice to Amateurs shows, Practical tips by practical performers. Run your show © 
as it should be run, and have a success, 

H H Picnic for Two. Wait till the Sun Shines, Nellie, The — 
Parody-Hits by Parody-Writers Gondolier., Good-by, Little Git]. Irish Molly O, Hiram 
Green, Good-by, Anheuser Bush. Let Me See You Smile, Teasing. Shade of the Old Apple-Tree, 
Bick, Back, Back to Baltimore, That’s How I Love You, Mame. Sweetest Girlia Dixie. Navajo. 
hown on the Farm, Big Chiet. Good Old Trolley Ride. ‘Crazy’ parody on Anona, Ev’ry Little Bit 
II lps. Alwaysin the Way. Buster Brown. Hannah, Open That Door, Man in the Overalls, Wearing 
My Heart Away for You. Good-by, My Lady Love. I Got Mine. Fare Thee Well, Molly Darling. 
Mvonlight Winter’s Night. Asleep in the Deep, . Curiosities, a cross-fire song. Yankee Doodle Boy. 
Just for Fun—AND OTHERS. 


German Burlesque Political Speech Onc °f, the funniest of fwistcd-English spasms 


Monolo ues Harry Newton’s latest. You know the kind of talk he writes—clean, funny and 
g original, Snappy stuff that is always uptodate, Fifteen great minutes of mate- 
rial on the subjects of ‘‘Love,’’ ‘‘Eggs,” ‘'Girls,’’ etc. 


Fi H for Male and Female. Always hard to find good cross-fire stuff, 
Cross Fire Conversation unless you have a Prompter. This is a pippin—about 1o minutes. 


H H H Pages of grand things in this line. includ- 
Recitations and Odds and Ends in Poetry fi2°*.9,2oea simon a Yankee recitation 
full of comedy and heart interest. ‘‘Paul Revere's Ride,” a Swedish recitation, funny and new. Also 
a number of comic, snappy little poems which will make an audience laugh—that’s what you want. 


H H Sufficient material for your next minstrel show. All 
Minstrel Jokes and Cross-Fire sure-fire, up to date and first time in print. The cross- 
fire can also be used by sketch teams. 

The Junk-Shop By Harry L. Newton. Take a walk through the “Junk Shop and select 


something to “fit”? your act—it’s there. Any style of act, too, A nifty stock 
of little bits, short bits, comic bits, serious bits, character bits and bits to fit YOU. 

H H Guess you'll be glad to get these. Wewere. We laughed and 
Jewish Jingles and Jokes so witeou So will your audiences, © What we want is orders,” 
hat famous Hebrew letter is now published for the first time. Worth its weight in hard coal, 

Complete in every d.tail. Ready to stage, easy to produce and 
Comedy Sketches Galore absolutely free from cumbersome and nosy “prapee Harry 
Newton his the supervision of all our sketches, and he is a master builder. No rough spots; no 
weak places; built for solid laughs from a concrete comedy foundation. TWO IRISH HEROES. By 
Chris Lane. A roaring conversation vaudeville act, for two Irish comedians, Time, 15 minutes, 
HAWKSHAW, THE DYSPEPTIC. A vaudeville act by Harry L. Newton You've heard that oid ex- 
pre-sion: ‘Now that I’ve written the note who will take it?” but you’ve never been able to obtain a 
printed copy of this famous and favorite comedy, "Hawkshaw." Harry Newton*has made u great 
version, and we know that you can make good with this act. Here’s another “candy” act: ‘SILLY’? 
WILLIB’S VISIT, We've hada great many requests for a ‘‘silly-kid’’ act and here itis, The kid 
calls on his “‘smart” city cousin, and she makes it interesting for him. Time, 18 minutes of mb-burst- 
ing Comedy, with a rib-bursting finale. TAMING A SHOPPER. A vaudeville act fur lady and gen- 
_ tleman, A young husband has trouble with his wife on account of her insane desire to go shopping. 
He finally hits upon a novel idea to cure her. The theme is new, the situations and ‘business’? sim- 
ply great. Enough action fora three-act farce comedy. ONE CHRISTMAS EVE. A comedy dram- 
atic playlet. A nice thing. for three good dramatic peop'e, one male, two females, Plays about 30 
minutes and tells a powerful story, blended nicely with real comedy. One female part isa “Sis Hop- 
kins” character. SHYLOCK BONES. A screaming burle que on the well-known Sherlock Holmes 
play for four males, one female. Plays a full half-hour. TEN FIGHTSINA B4R-ROOM. Burlesque 
in two scenes on the old favorite drama, “Ten Nights in a Bar-Room.” Evervbody has seen the old 
standby and a good burlesque will go with a vell; this is good. THE MAN WITH THE HOD. Irish- 
comedy sketch, male and female. A quaint, effective study of true Irish life throbbing with c'ean 
comedy and laughable situations. Plays 15 minutes. HOW STAGE EFFECTS ARE PRODUCED. 
Explosions, glass crash. thunder, “breakaway” stuff, snowstorm, etc.—complete details. 


Addresses of Music Publishers and Booking Agents %,!2"s< 244 authentic tt: 


: a i - Also much yaluable infor- 
mation pertaining to both of these important branches of the theatrical business. 


Order above goods from WILL ROSSITER pubtisner Chica 


i 


= a dh PP br 


B&-DOG, A novel skit, as, ‘Bicly. ee WAEN JONRAIE eons mancutye HOME. 


Newton. “Characters, Irish comedian and sou- . 
_brette. Plays twenty-two minutes. Great ac-’ 
tion, new’ and original ‘‘crazy'’ Irish speeches’ 
and’ striking finale, Chance. for Go creak it. 
desired, Price, 25. cent 8. oe i 7 


é “ONE CHRISTMAS EVE. 


waite ay him to come home. A | 
f faronken™* part for male, not ‘overdrawn and 
ee plenty of witty, clean cross-fire talk. 


laylet, by Harry L. LOS onkg sr tee bebe mm q! “We have no hesitancy in pronouncing - this to 
i New. England farmer and his two. daughters; be the best “drunken quarrel’’ act ever writ- 
- oue played on the ‘Sis’ Hopkins... Ihrer the. ent. ‘The finale is a “acream,'’ Price, 25. 


ef heart interest, nicely. gn with THE ‘YOUNG ATTORNEY, - Vaudeville sketch, 
genuine comedy atilon ead, dlaineue, gis a “hy Jeffrey 7. Branen, Fourteen minutes, 
ee : eae Juvenile and Ingenue. A clever 
omedy for two clever performers, but Bot be- 
ie , yond. mn haere orcs of seins apuine ge Bales, 26 
priate only for the srs seakon, cents, Ces, G8 Gd Mace eg 


ye 


a a beautiful finale. * A sermon, ats not “mawk- 
ish. ‘Price, 25 cents, “7 


“RUSH MESSAGES. By PHeueOle  Newiee 
es Comedian and soubrette. Plays sixteen - 
7 ules.” A *‘crazy’’ act, ‘Dut one. that, makes” ‘em 


howl. Price, _cents. 


“BECOND-HAND MAN, By ‘Harry. be ‘Newlin: 
- Plays ‘fifteen minutes. Hebrew and _Bube. 2 
_ It’s all right. Price, 25 cents, aye 
SHYLOCK BONES. A burlesque on the Pimp 
“Sherlock Holmes,’’ by Harry b. Newton. 
Plays thirty minutes. — ‘Characters, four male, 
one female. The scene is laid in Shylock 
- Bones’ ‘bachelor apartment; costumes, modern 
and easy. Intensely humorous in situations 
and talk and has met with ‘omediate ‘success 
wherever introduced. Most — everybody is 
familiar with the original ‘Sherlock, how be 
. oe to Ahis:; dosnki dances burlesque, ak 
: cents, Z 


nat SILLY” WILLIE’S VISIT. A roaring. ehiias 

' ville concoction, by Smiley Smyth. A *silly’? 
_ country boy calls on his ‘‘smart’’ -city. young 
lady cousin. Will act itself almost, as the 
dialogue and ‘‘business’’ makes an “audience $ 
screum. A good ‘‘silly kid’’ act. ia Shiny to 
buy. Try this one. SR ie 25 cents. Serer 


TAMING | A SHOPPER. “peal? tacit 
~ novelty, by Smiley. amy th, The plot. con- > 
cerns the troubles of a young business man ey 
whose wife has the shopping disease. He 
hits upon a novel ‘‘cure’’ for her “‘disease,’” 
and his wife finally assures him that she ifs 
in no danger of a’ ‘‘relupse.’’ Chock full of 
clever situations, and an act that will surely — 
- Appeal to all—especially to all men ang: bere: 

Eh feo Price, 25 cents, a RS ge. ‘ AS Se: 


gear: IDEA. wre SEE 2 at by Harry LL. 
xewton. A screaming comedy talking act, in. 
vhich | is described the funny. experiences of 
fr, actor’s summer “Vacation, Ke ‘goes to a 
etel which is run by an undertaker. The 
actor fe compelled to ride to the. depot in a 
hearse, sleep in a bapcoedek and is waited on at. 


-by Harry L. Newton. ithe “aad. story’’ of 
the life of a Pgehe mend tramp. Ten min- 
-. mtez of thoroughbred “ehock full of thor-. 
»-oughbred comedy, wh oh: ‘ts guaranteed to con: 
_vulse any audience. Price, 15 eents. . 
HOTEL LIFE. A monologue, by Harry L. New- 
ton, A bright and breeay talk, brimful of 
*Naughs.’” A freak hotel, where ‘freaks board. 
The Armless wonder passes the butter. with 
- his -feet, the Dog- -face boy marries the Fat 
woman, and is forced<to take out a dog 
 Meense. A geod idea in monologue. Plays 

veto as Price, 15 cents. . 

VE—ON AND OFF THE STAGE. A mono- 
eee by Marry L. Newton. Love is a subject. 
that touches everybody. We've all. been 
 **touched’’ at one time or another in our 

lives. ‘“‘Love On and Of the Stage’’ is a 
comedy eonversation and a ludicrous Be sorly 
thon ef Love as it ie in real life, and as it 
ae Bh po pea Te the stage. | AD sure-fire “hit, Priee, 
THE EGHANCIAL- HUSBAND, oe fmoublogue. 
by Harry L. Newton. Every woman now has 
‘@ chance. to get a husband. The. “Mechanical 
‘Husband’ fs a new and great idea. All a 
woman has to do is is ‘‘press the ‘button’? anand 
aps ict apne fae nusband “does the rest."" 


MY Sinsr “APPEARANCE, Ae LS byecs 
Harry LL. _Newten. » & roaring description of . 
the timid man’s first: appearance cn any atage. 
‘You will thoroughly appreciate this talk, eom- 
paring it with the state of your own feelings, 
the first time you faced an audience. Plays — 
about fifteen minutes. Price, 15 cents. 
ELIDE FROM THE PACIFIC COAST. A mono-— 
logue, “by Harry L, Newton. A™ happy-£o- : 
lucky chap falls in love with a doctor’s 
daughter, | “and the doctor - tries to ‘cure’ his 
Jove for the girl. The lover. ptogeuts . frem 
the slope and has ae funuy experiences on 
the _toad. - Price cents, © 
. SUMMER . RESORT.” ae “monologue, - by 
= Harry L. Newton. Have you ever heen to a 
summer resort ? Here is a ehance to go to a 
real one, an@ take your audience aleng. A - 
“monologue - that will appeal to every audience. | 
They have all been there. Price, 16 cents. | 
TOM AND DICK. A vrapid-fre talking act for 
two males, by Harry L. Newton. One of 
those highly « satisfactory | “conversation etait 


; pimse Lady 
and eenteae: High, einen: comedy” pore: with 
tee we scene TON: dramatic cys canoes : ‘Price, : 
25 cents, fh 


i 
Two. IRISH HEROES. A endeeiie. sketch, 
-Cbris Lane. - Characters, ‘twe males. Seene, 
ay an ordinary room; or, a street. scene, which: 
> ever ig desired, Costumes, G. A. R.- 
~ modern military. Playing» time, ‘fifteen 
Be utes. This act is written in Mr. Lane’s best 

-eomedy vein, and tells in- a rapid-fire talk the 
_ adventures of an old Irish» -elyil war veteran, 


pirictly clean — 
a Price, (25 cents. So 


‘WEO 18. CLARICE! Hates 

Plays fifteen Tolawtes. “Lady and ‘gentleman, 
at refined act, full bright, She cp eer 
ey ‘Brice, 25. cents. LNG PE ASA PRE et 
‘UNCLE TOMS CABIN. _ Darlene, by Harry L. 
Newton. Characters, two male, two female. which are always in big sepane. Can 
Plays fifteen minutes. Scene, exterior. Laas “done’" anywhere, by. anybody. A laugh ine 
_.\ tumes, eccentric. ‘Price, 25. cents. ; every line. Price, 15 cents, ee 


Irder above oes from WILL f es ‘Publisher Chicago 


Nae 


There are many so-called minstrel books on the market.’ These booksare generally stale news- 
paper clippings thrown together, put into a cover, aud advertised as a guide for amateurs. We know > 
ef so many cases where the amateur has been fooled that we hesitated when we first conceived the 
idea that a genuine guide for minstrel shows was badly needed. We realized-we had to overcome © 
the bad effects of the many worthless books on the market, but finally decided to go ahead, count- — 
ing on our past 8 years of honorable dealing with the public to serve as a guarantee that we again 

er you the only book ofitskindim America. = Sy a Res he ne 2h nies ies, eee Ns 
This book Is one of almost 200 pages, and printed from new type on novelty paper. It tells you 
everything you want to know about how to ‘“‘put on’”’ minstrels, and starts in with the idea that you | 


have never had any experience in this class of work, and carefully tells you every little detail. © 
This book tells you how to select your people among your friends; how to arrange and-set the - 
stage; how to rehearse your people; how to make up and arrange your program, giving a printed 
form in the book, Gives complete words and music of one of the best medleys ever composed. 
This indispensable Opening Medley, to the amateur, is worth its weight in gold. A red-hot opening 
medley means a howling success for your show, if done properly, and this book tells you how to do 
it properly, even telling you all the detail “stage business” for the end men, This book tells you 
the steps and marches, when and how tousethem. This took gives you page after page of funny — 
sayings and jokes for the end men, tambos, and bones. Tells you the duty of everyone taking part | 
im the show. Gives you.a-list of suitable first-part ballads and list of suitable end songs. Gives yeu 
lets of comical-conversation for the middle man and end men, lots of new and clean stump speeches, - 
all kinds of funny monologves, hundreds of jokes, get-backs, and afterpieces. Tells you how to 
close the first part, how toopen the olio, what kind of acts to put on in the olio, and how to get up 
a big act for the closing of your olio. @ives.you list of all kinds of make-up, burnt cork etc., with 

_ prices, and tells you just where to get them. Gives you price-list of tambos and bones. This book 
also tells you how to black up and how to wash up. or, in other words, tells you the most simple and ~ 
quickest way to take the ‘‘black”’ off your face and hands. This book tells you how to dress the first 
port, and the cheapest, and at the same time most effective, costume to make. Besides ail this 
valuable information, which is now published for the first time, there isin this book enough stage 
material for a dozen shows. Our aim in putting this book on the market isto enable you to “puton” _ 
a first-class minstrel show by following every detail of the given instructions, Any previous experi- 
ence is positively net necessary if you have this book. Furthermore, the publisher of this \ a 


aa) ‘ =, ‘= ] 

will gladly answer all questions free of charge pertaining to Hew to “Put on” Minstrel Shows. 
There is no better way to raise money for a church, camping fund, or any other worthy cause 

or charity in any community than by getting up a minstrel show. Heretofore, we admit, without 
‘we experience it was a difficult and hard undertaking, but with Hew:te “Put om” Minstrel Shows 
within your reach, it is a simple matter. You will be simply amazed at its simplicity. 
You can order this book, Hew te “Put on” Minstrel Shows, povptite duped ane dealer in America 


(patos, 58 cents im r-cent stamps), but you will save time and trouble by seading to the publisher. 


Pall at 


_NO PLAYS EXCHANGED 


‘JHE ETHIOPIAN DRAMA 


"A LITTLE NONSENSE NOW AND THEN 1S-RELISHED BY 


. a 2 So eS NE ERT 


99 


THE-WISEST MEN: 
CHICAGO, 


. 
nt 
CPD os Rag 
: . s 
PQS 
S SSS 
= = — 


< 


TS. DENISON & COMPANY | 


De 


_ PUBLISHERS 


GF 


What Happened to 
Hannah 


= 
= ~ = 


“DENISON’S ACTING PLAYS - 


Partial List of Success fuland Popular Plays. Large Cat 


Price 15 each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price is Giver “a 


| Me F. 
, Light Brigade, -40 nin... €25e) “10-5 
. DRAMAS, COMEDIES, Little Buckshét, 3 acts, 24 ‘hrs. 
ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. Tadgerm? ee ye 3 is (013 
M. F. fF Lonelyville Social Club,-3 acts; 
Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 1% hrs. % ox sas bats hase) ae 
atts 2Ye hrs a8 (25c). 3-8 Man from ‘Borneo, 3. atts, 
After the Game, 2. acts, 1% Mt on eho Pa ut Pays 
WAT S78 tae ot ee Ce ie (250) ly 9 Man éroin Nevada, iv acts, 3 Le 
Ali a Mistake, 3 acts, * 2. Hrs, Pe ee Sr eee see (256 5 et 
RBI CD “ese bales tale 6 ts Weere R ; 
American Hustler, 4 acts, 2% Mirandy's: Minstyels!. * @3e) “Opti y 
DIS. esas Meas nea s es s(25¢) 7 41 Old Maid’s Cluby 14 hea (ie). 216°" 
Avabian Nights,,3 acts, 2°hfs.-4° 5 Old -Oaken Bucket, 4. acts,” 2 
4x5. Ske Thinketh, > eS 9” Bes. dies teed (250) 8.6 
eee gene oe 5c 5 
Ab Gal Ene. bE the Ranbew 4 Oe Schl 1 at Tekey ate 
acts, 274 Mrs... 49. : =£25e). 614 1 On aa Little Big Horn, 4 aie 
Bank: Cashier, 4 acts, -2) hrs, Bi hes. 2, Phat es (25¢).10 4 
“(25¢) BP ae se ai bees 8 4 1° Out in the, Seas 3 acts, bhr, 6-'4 
Black | Heifet, 3 acts, 2 > hrs. Prairie’ Rose, 4 aets,; 2% hrs: 
ZOOS tae he ado ae ee 9 3 (asc) ‘Ss 7 ae 
Brookdale -Parm, 4 acts, 2% Rastic | ‘Romeo, 2 “acts, 2Y, : | 
| PEE ohrieo epn esa et (25) FB | bee gc og vos (250/10 Thome 
j Brother Josiah, 3 acts, e hrs. ; School. Ma? am, ie acts, 134 hrs. 65 "i 
| C25¢). sie eRe RE Bee oe ge . 3 Sopah of Paper, 3 acts; lirsiee « 6 iy | 
i. “Burns Rebellion, thr... (250) 8 Soldter of Portus’, $ acts, 2% b Bay 
hee Dusy. Siar 33 ‘acts, 24 hrs: ; Southern een 3. acts; <2 as 
eh Below he Mage OT ara, iy ‘ BiG og ae aes (29) ua + 
= Lollege Town, 3° acts, 2% Third Dogme: 40 mins, (2350) “Eee 
. Ribs ane nate ae 2 skese) 9 8 — Dreadful Ewins, 3 aa : i 
Sagege weird Store, Thr, 49.141 th Ws ie 25c) 6 4 1p 
CPO? 5 ee shee ui eo beats. waa Me 4 5s ; 
et go a or ae 2 hrs. ‘ ta due he acai ich, he VE ast 
} augnter 6 esert,  & Pobees Twins, 4acts; 2h, ase @ 4S 
} “acts, 274, Drs, ae (25c) 6 4 Town. Marshal, 4 acts; 2% ae 
| Down in Dekie, °4 cacts, 2% ; fe ea a oe (256 3 : 
le Sy hrs. That. Came aes o e243 Trip to Storyland, 1% firs/(25¢ wos ba ee 
“Ses at Cane , true, Uncle Josh, 4.acts, 2% hrs. (25c) Sees a 
| acts, 2% ine + © wlee wy €25¢) 6 13 Under. Bltte ies. 4 acts, 4 ee 
.  Rditoran- Chief, 4 bi. +, (25¢)- 10 Leite ar “iss 05 Oe ES 
; Enchanted Wood 134 h, (380). )-Optnl |. Under the Laurels, § acts, hrs 6 4p 
eadegh tes 5 acts, 14." " Wen Sahai etree.) Came ig 
{ 40 o te Sk we eee 8 4 Pelee 6 Town, 3 acts,. 2% hrs. C50) 53 <5 i § 
eae Ps Window, 3 acts, 2 44 |oWotlen Who Did, J tr. «Sey 17 ih 
| Faseinators, fi in COR 3] Yankee*Detective, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 8. 3” AP 
un. ‘on <the eodun imite : 
ge Yes eae. ok (25e} 914 |. FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. i 
fare of. Hoetown, 3 ‘acts April Baglsy JO ane Sie wa) ea) ek oe 
a ah ious ep ee Gia & 4°) Assessor, , The: 10: amin: 8:7 Vita | uy 
High ‘School Freshman, 3 fe =} Baby. Show at ‘Pineville, 20 min: . 19° ofp 
2, hrs “(25cy 12 Bad Job, 30+ mith 3.8 teas. 3.2 i 
Honor oe a Cowboy, . 4 acts, ae Betsy Baker, 45° miny.1 0. . eae 
20 ES A ene Aly Se (2 cat 4.+ Billy’s’ Chorus.Girl, 25 min. 7% 2° 3° 
Indian “Days, Ls hreys 5 ¢€50c) 5 2 TF Billy’s: Mishap; 20 mine genet 2 1 ‘ 
in Plum Valley, 4. acts, it Borrowed. Luncheon, -20 min, & AB oe 
Mines pene Pine bas S (25c) 6 4. | Borrowing Trouble, 20 mings car O° Be ee 
iton Hand; 4 -gets,2 hrs. » a5e)} 5 4 Boxand Cox; 35 ‘tipieh «ee tat BS 
vate Junction, 1% hts, €25c)14.17 | Case’ Against Casey, 40 min... .23 2 3 
ingdom of Heart’s Content : +} ‘Convention of Papas, 25 min... °7 a 
acts, a HPS Hoste oy (25c) 6 12.1. Country. Justice; 15. min... eh. 8— 
ees acts; 2%. h.. (250) 9-4 


Cow that Kicked i 20:m., a a 


sake 


if 


WHAT HAPPENED TO 
HANNAH 


Ae VEN thi APT RRPIECE 


BY 
Poh ye NW EON 
AUTHOR OF 


“A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy,’ “The Booster Club of Black- 
ville,’ “A Colored Honeymoon,’ “The Coontown Thirteen 
Club,” “The Darktown Fire Brigade,’ “The Goodfellow,” 
“Good Mornin’, Judge,’ “The Heiress of Hoetown,” 
“Jayville Junction,’ “Laughland via the Ha Ha 
Route,’ “Memphis Mose, War Correspond- 
ent,’ “Minstrel Cross-Fire,;’ “Oh, Doc- 
tor!” “A Rehearsal at Ten,’ Etc. 


® 


CHICAGO 
eos OENISON: &COMPAN Y 
PUBLISHERS 


WHAT HAPPENED TO HANNAH 


CHARACTERS. 


WASHINGTON O’BrIEN LEE........-4 Colored Calciminer 
HANNAH. oi 0:25 60 Sis ete @ ieee ns ee one vee ee ae His wife 


PLACcE—Any city. 
ScENE—The Lee Kitchen. 
TimE—Early evening. 


TIME oF PLAyING—Fifteen Minutes. 


COSTUMES: 


WASHINGTON—Calciminer’s overalls and jumper, change 
to “loud” smoking jacket after entrance. Chocolate colored 
facial make-up. 

HanNAH—Large figured calico dress and white apron. 
Wears short-haired wig, with face made up very black. 


PROPER ELCs: 


In the cupboard are numerous dishes, such as pots, pans, 
etc. In one dish about twenty potatoes. Loaf of bread, 
knives, forks, etc. On bench is wash basin partly filled 
with water; cake of soap, and over it a soiled roller towel; 
alongside is a cracked mirror. Coffee pot, tin pot and fry- 
ing pan for gas stove. Watch chain and package contain- 
ing two back combs. 


STAGE DIRECTIONS. 


R. means right of stage; C., center; R. C., right center; 
Lj left; 1 £.; first entrance; \U~ Hj .upper entrancesm< se 
right entrance, up-stage, etc.; R.:D., right door; L. D., left 
door, etc.; D. F., door in flat or back of the stage; up-stage, 
away from footlights, down-stage, near footlights; 1 G., 
first groove, etc. The actor is supposed to be facing the 
audience. 


COPYRIGHT, 1915, BY EBEN H. NORRIS. 
2 


WHAT HAPPENED TO HANNAH 


-ScENE: A kitchen. Practical (street) door in back 
flat. No other entrances or exits necessary. Kitchen table, 
covered with red and white checked cloth, at C., with chair 
at either side. At R. of C. is a kitchen cupboard, in which 
are dishes, pot, pans, etc. At L.is a wash bench, with basin 
and large piece of soap. Hanging over bench is a very 
much soiled roller towel and alongside is a small cracked 
mirror. \WASHINGTON’S smoking jacket and a pair of large 
carpet slippers are ona chair, L. At L.is a small gas stove, 
on which are coffee pot, frying pan and tin pot. 

At rise of curtain, HANNAH, softly humming a negro 
melody, 1s discovered engaged in the task of setting the table 
for the evening meal. As curtain 1s well up, she takes two 


loaves of bread from cupboard, goes to table and slices the 


bread, making two high stacks. 

HANNAH (surveying sliced bread). Dar. If dat ain’t 
*nough bread fo’ Wash, he kin do widout. Dat man always 
complain’ ’about his appetite. (Laughs.) Law-zee, says 


‘S he kaint eat much ’cause he’s too much in love wid me. We 


been married jes’ a year today. (Gets about twenty pota- 
toes from cupboard, sits and peels them while talking.) 
Ah hopes Ah done got sufficient thereof potatoes fo’ him. 
De longer we is married de moah he eats. Some folks 
say dat is merely de result ob mus’ have somethin’ to do, 
even if yo’ am married. But Ah do hopes Wash gits ’nough 
to eat dis evenin’, *cause Ah’m powerful nervous like. Dis 
heah bein’ our anniversary, Ah reckoned on givin’ him a 
nice present. Now Ah don’t has no money, but Ah does 
has a idea and Ah excutes it forthwid. Ah done has mah 
hair cut off, and Ah sold it to a hair-store lady. (Runs a 
hand over head.) Waw-zee, Ah wonder what Wash say 
when he diskiver mah hair am went. But it kaint be helped. 
Ah jes’ naturally has to had dat present fo’ him. (Glances 
cautiously all about, pulls large watch chain from front of 


3 


= 


4 WHAT HAPPENED TO HANNAH, ° 


dress and holds it up adnuringly.) Dar it am. Ain’t dat 
a beauty? Done cost me all mah hair, but it am worth it. 

WasHIncTon (off R., as if coming along the street). 
Oh, Hannah! Heah comes yo’ lovin’ honey man. (She 
quickly conceals chain in front of dress, jumps to feet, spill- 
ing and scattering the potatoes all over the floor, runs to 
door and opens it for his entrance.) 


Enter WASHINGTON. They embrace and kiss with com- 
edy business. He removes jumper and cap. 


WASHINGTON (surveying table). Hello! gwine to have 
company fo’ supper? 

Hannan. If we is yo’ go hungry. Dat ain’t nawthin’ 
but yo’ reg’lar ‘lowance. 

WASHINGTON (discovering scattered potatoes on floor). 
Huh! Been playin’ golf? 

Hannau. No, honey; Ah heered yo’ yelp and Ah done 
git be nervous-like wid emotion. (Aside.) He ain’t noticed 
mah hair yit. 

WASHINGTON (goes to wash bench, grumblingly). Yo 
jes’ naturally got to ‘member, Hannah, dat Ah likes mah 
taters cooked. (Rolls up sleeves. ) Raw taters is all right 
fo’ hogs. 

HANNAH (gets broom and dust pan from corner). Yes, 
Salieerad knows how yo’ likes ’em. And Ah knows how. 
hogs likes ’em. And dere ain’t much difference, nuther. 
(Stweeps up all the potatoes into dust pan, takes them to 
pot on stove and dumps them in, peelings and all; sweeps 
dust pan clean with broom into pot.) 

WasHINGTON (meanwhile has been washing face and 
hands, and with eves tightly closed feels about for towel). 
Say, why don’t yo’ has a towel? 

Hannan. Dar am a towel. Say, yo’ done got me dat 
nervous Ah don’t know nawthin’. 

WASHINGTON (groping for towel). Shucks, Ah didn’t 
eit yo dat way. Yo was jes’ naturally born wid nawthin’ 
on yo’ mind but yo’ hair. 

HANNAH (starts in seeming fright, blinks eyes and puts 


WHAT HAPPENED TO HANNAH. 2 


one hand to back of head. Aside). Law-zee, Ah wonder 
if he knows ‘bout mah hair? 

WASHINGTON (finally locates towel, wipes face and hands,” 
very carelessly; surveys towel). Say, ain’t it *bout time 
yo’ puts another towel up? 

HANNAH (grumblingly). Say, Mister Lee, dar don’t 
‘pear to be nawthin’ dat suits yo’ dis evenin’. Yo’ been 
wipin’ on dat towel fo’ a month or mo’ now, and dis am de 
fust time yo’ complain "bout it. 

WASHINGTON (whirls about and looks at her. She quickly 
places a hand to back of her head, concealing from him the 
loss of her hair). Don’t start nawthin’. ’Member dis am 
our anniversary. 

Hannah (still with hand to head). Ah ain’t gwine start 
nawthin’ Ah kaint finish. 

WASHINGTON. What’s de mattah wid yo’? Done got yo’ 
a headache? (Goes to smoking jacket and slippers.) 

HANNAH (quickly takes hand from head, but conceals 
back of head from lim by constantly keeping her face 
toward him as he moves about). Naw; Ah ain’t got me. 
no headache. 

WASHINGTON (dons smoking jacket). Ah’m glad ob dat. 
We don’t has weddin’ anniversaries ebery day. (Sits and 
puts on slippers.) | 

HANNAH (aside and feeling back of head). Ah’m glad 
ob it. 

WASHINGTON (rising). Supper be long now, honey? 

HANNAH (backing to stove). No, honey; jes’ a few 
minutes. Will yo’ has some more chicken? 

WASHINGTON (surprised). Some more? Doggone it, 
Ah ain’t never had some yit. 

HANNAH. Dat’s so; Ah done forgit. (Aside.) He 
ain’t noticed mah hair yit. 

WASHINGTON (sits at table, elevates feet to top, leans 
back im chair and appears very comfortable). Yo’ knows 
dat man Ah works fo’ now, he’s Irish. 

HANNAH, Yes? 

WASHINGTON. He done axed me mah name. Ah tole 


6 WHAT HAPPENED TO HANNAH. 


him Washington O’Brien Lee. He axed what de O’Brien 
was fo’. 

HannaH. What yo’ tole him? 

WasHINGTON. Ah done tole him dat it was fo’ protec- 
‘tion. (HANNAH chuckles.) Den Ah done axed him fo’ 
some money on mah salary account. 

Hannau. What he say? 

WASHINGTON. He done tolé me to jump in de lake. 

HannaH, Well? 

WasuHincton. Ah done jttmp in de lake jes’ as he tole 
me—when Ah come back he was gone. (WASHINGTON 
slowly falls asleep, leaning back in chair, with feet on top 
of table. HANNAH keeps her eyes on him anxiously, and 
with both hands behind her back attempts to prepare the 
supper on the stove. Her comedy efforts finally result in 
her thrusting a hand in the supposedly boiling pot of water. 
She yells and jumps, fingers in mouth. \WASHINGTON, at 
her first yell, loses his balance and falls backward to floor.) 

HaNnNAH (dancing about in apparent agony). Law-zee, 
Ah sure got suspicious dat Ah diskivered some powerful 
hot place, “sudden-like. 

WASHINGTON (rising slowly to feet). Say, what yo’ 
mean by tryin’ to “liminate me—(checks speech abruptly 
and gazes spellbound at her hair, blinking eyes, etc.). 
Wha—wha—what’s a mattah wid yo’ head? 

HANNAH (trying to conceal back of head). Why, whatta. 
yo’ mean, honey—mah hair? 

WASHINGTON (goes to her, grabs her wrist forcibly and 
swings her about, facing him, pointing an accusing finger 
at her shorn head). Dar! Dat’s what Ah mean. Yo’ 
done got yo’ hair ‘liminated. How’s come, gal? 

HANNAH (fleadingly). Oh, honey, don’t be rough wid 
yo sugar-plum. Don’t look dat way (brokenly, with 
burlesque pathos). Ah—Ah done it all fo’ yo’, honey-man! 

WASHINGTON (astonished). Yo’—yo’ done it all fo’ me? ~ 
*‘Lucidate, gal; ‘lucidate befo’ Ah musses up de best room 
in de house wid yo’. 

Hannau (fearfully). Calm yo’self, honey; calm yo’self. 


WHAT HAPPENED TO HANNAH. 4 


WASHINGTON (threateningly). Ah'll calm yo’ in jes’ a 
minute. -How’s come yo’ got yo’ a haircut in de hair? 

HannauH. Listen, honey. As Ah done says befo’, Ah 
done it fo’ yo’, honey-man. Ah done it fo’ yo’. 

WasHINGTON. Yo’ done what fo’ me? 

HANNAH. Ah done sold mah hair. 

WASHINGTON (recoiling with burlesque horror). Yo’ 
‘done sold yo’ hair—yo’ beautiful auburn black locks dat Ah 
was so proud of! Yo’ beautiful tresses dat Ah loved to 
fondle and caress. Yo’ done part wid dose glorious locks 
and tresses? (Sobbing in burlesque, dramatic manner.) 
Oh, gal, gal; how could yo’? How could yo’? 

HannaAH. Don’t take it so hard, honey-man; don’t take 
it so hard. Listen. Ah tried ebery way fo’ to save and 
scrape togedder some money fo’ to buy yo’ a anniversary 
present. (Sighs.) But twantno use. Dere was no money 
to be got togedder, nuther by scrapin’ or odderwise. And 
den—and den— 

WASHINGTON. Yes, and den what? 

HANNAH. Ah done gits me a idea. Ah sells mah hair 
and buys yo’ a present. 

WasHINGTON. Oh, honey gal (gaspingly sinks into a 
chair). 

HANNAH (anviously). Ain’t it all right what Ah done? 

WasuHIncton. It am all right—and it am all wrong. 
(Rises, goes to his jacket on chair, takes a package from 
pocket and comes back to her.) Ah suppose what yo’ done 
was all fo’ de best, but— 

HANNAH (anxiously). But what, honey-man? 

WASHINGTON. Dat’s fo’ yo’ (hands package to her). 

HANNAH (wonderingly). \Wha—what’s dat? 

WASHINGTON. Dat’s a present Ah done gits fo’ yo’, gal. 

HANNAH (with blinking eyes, unwraps string, opens 
paper and takes out two large and flashy back combs, holds 
them up). Law-zee! Hair combs! (Comedy consterna- 
tion. ) 

WASHINGTON (nods head). Yes 
combs, and now yo’ got no hair. 


hair combs. Hair 


8 WHAT HAPPENED TO HANNAH. 


HANNAH (admiring them). Mah goodness, dey is some 
class to dem. Dey mus’ cost yo’ a heap ob money. 

WasHINGTON. Dey cost a-plenty (assumes sorrowful 
attitude, elbows on knees and head in hands). 

HANNAH (comfortingly). Nevah mind, honey-man; mah 
hair will grow agin. Ah’ll save de combs till mah hair 
grows long. (Slyly takes watch chain from bosom of dress 
and conceals it in palm of hand.) Yo’ don’t seem powerful 
interested like fo’ to see de present what Ah buys yo’. 

WASHINGTON (groaning). What’s de use—what's de 
use! Dem beautiful auburn tresses am gone—my system 
has received too great a shock fo’ to be interested in what 
yo’ buys me. 

HANNAH (dangles chain in front of his face). Look, 
man. 

WASHINGTON (slowly ones eyes, raises head and gazes 
at chain). What! 

HANNAH (laughing). Dat’ s fo’ you’, honey-man. Dat’s 
what Ah buys wid mah hair. Ah buys dat fo’ yo’, so’s dey 
don’t laugh at yo’ no mo’ when yo’ pulls out yo’ watch. 
(Dangles chain.) Dere ain’t nobody what kin laugh at yo’ 
now, honey-man. Now let me take yo’ watch while Ah 
hook on dis beautiful chain. 

WASHINGTON (rises slowly to feet, mechanically opens 
front of smoking jacket, slips a finger in vest pocket and 
draws for th a part of a watch chain, holds it up before her). 
Dar yo’ is. 

HANNAH (recoiling in surprise). Dat? Why dat’s yo” 
old chain. Whar’s yo’ watch? 

WasuHiIncton. Mah watch? Honey, Ah done pawned 
mah watch fo’ to buy yo’ dem gorgeous combs. (HANNAH 
puts a hand to head, whirls and falls fainting into WaAsH- 
INGTON’S arms, to—) 


QUICK CURTAIN. 


NE asage means out mo 


Binds eer, Evidence, 25-min. 
sed ina’ yclone, 20 mine... 
Tee Dix ile; 20: pea as 

‘erst-Class Hotel: 20 -min.. 7. 

r Love and Honor, 20 min.. 

Feagc and a Burglar, 15-minJ\ 

} i un in a Photograph Gallery, 

a POR msi ow Fig a Sts seed SS 

Great. Doughnut Corporation, 

REE: See ee ie ene 

Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 
Great Pumpkin Case,: 30 min. 

y.:"tlans~ Von Smash, 30 min. 
' ap Pe METS PATE es a Sok 
: ot. Mesilf at All, 25 min: 
Paitiating a Granger, 25 min. 

(irish Linen: Peddler, 40 min. 

‘3 the. Editor In?*. 20 min, 
ansas Immigrants, 20 min. 

i Men: Not Wanted, 30 min. 
Mike Donovan’s Courtship, 15 m. 

Mothet Goose’s Goslings, 30 m, 

Mis: Carver’s Fancy Ball, 40m: 
ye. Mrs, Sica ed Book Agent 20 

1 My pore pbee Lives Thr 
4, ~ My Neighbor’s Wik @, 45 wih ; 
a MyParn, Next; 45 omin,. ..4% 
My Wife's Relations, te hes 

i Not @ Man in the. House, 40 m. 
Ot Obstinate Family, 40 amin... . 
.", Only Cold. Tea, 20 ming. ..,', 
ra 


Outwitting the Colonel, 25 min. 


: Pair of ‘Lunatics, 20° ntins:.,. 
Dat Patsy" Wane, 9): WN ee ads 
= Pat, the Apothecary, 35min. 
ae Persecuted Dutchman, 30 min. 
oi Reptlar “Pix, 357 ats 2 7\ eo. 
SS Rough. Diamond, 40 min (ose. 
re Cccantd Childhood, 15-min.... 
“il* Smith, the Aviator, 40 amir. 

t Taking Father's Place, “30 iin. 
ne Tani a Tiger, 30 min. Poa 
eA ae” ea Pat, 30), min. 

hose Red Envelopes, - 25 main 

Teo Much of a.Good Thing, 4 
BAITS lis par aks ni aap Aah css 3 

+ o Biggs s ag Egypt 45. min. 
wo. Turk Him Out yee Siar ‘ 
Two Aunts and a Photo, 20m. 
wo Bonnycasiles, 45. mins. 
Gentlemen ‘in a.J'ix, 15: m. 

“Two Ghosts. in White, 20 min. 
Oh Two of. as Kind, 40: min. 
Eli Uncle Dick’s Mistake, 20 min.. 


aif ce E pag y. geett 45 m: 
sa ie we. with ie M 5a ar 
Y: 1 € rry min, 
oy Whe Ts ys he ee 
oF ese deta Puoueh for Two, 45 min 
“3 Hho Th: Saaeae Seen 
‘ 4 f FP hrt tte ewe 
is 


SARS ARSED NA SL NNT TE 


exe ‘Xddka eek a 


CMWwWH BWW Nw. Gp Mie iS Ceteed 


BR&® By 


7 


-» DENISON’S ACTING PLAYS 


: ‘elas > > oe Each, Postpaid, Uniess Different Price. Is Given 


BONO AWE WARHEAD DM WaNwohomutnBouUqn Gum WowMnw wee 


- Breakfast Pood for Two, "20 ny? 4 


-Love.and Lathere-35 minicc.. 


= ESE 


VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES, MON- 
OLOGUES, ET HMIOMIAN PLAYS. 


MF 
Ax’in’) Her Father, 25 imin. b Se 
Booster Club of Blackville, 25. as 10 


Cold, Finish, -15 mins, -.. 560% 2 
Coon Creek Courtship,. USomins J 


‘Coming Champion, 20 min.... 


2 

Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m4 
Counterfeit Bills, 20° min...) ; 1.4 
Doings of a Dude, 20 min. 2k 
Duteh Cocktail, 20 min: os. 2: 2 

Five, Minutes ‘trom Yell. Col- 
fepesh TS: atitivs tae 6 bbs ane 2 
For Reform, QO nie oss ss ee 4 
Fresh Timothy Hay, 20min... 2 
Glickman, the Glazier, 25 min. 1 
Handy Andy (Negro), 12, min, 2 
Her FG; 20.4 tite. 2 as eee ee 
Hey, Rube! 15 -amin...... $s 
Home Run, 18 Tih, pie. 
Hot. ‘Air, 25 WR Ses Sete e ees 
7 Jum, 60° Sint. Salina 
ittle Red School House. 20 me 


Marriage and: After, “10 “min. 
Mischievous Ny ger, 25 min. 
Mistaken Miss, 20 mite. 22.45 
Mry.and Mrs, Fido, 20° min. 
Mr. Badgeér’s Uppers, 40 min. 
One Sweetheart for Two, 20 im: 
Oshkosh Next. Week, 20 min. 
Oyster Stew, Oe iaiiie bs 5 
Pete ee ¢ Gurl’s: Moder; 10 
Pickles for Pwo tS: many... 
Pooh Bah of Peacetown, 3¥ min. 
Prof, Black’s Funnygraph,; 15m. 
Recfuiting, Office, 15° min>.... 
Sham. Doctor; 10 min... 04. y 
Siand 1,15 min agua tes ; 
Special Sale,.15) mins. 7.4 2: 
Stage Struck Darky, 10 min. 
Sunny Son of Italy, 15 min. 
aame fable, 20 mites. 
Tramp and the Actress; 20 min. 
Troubled by Ghosts, 10 mins 
Troubles of Rozinski; 15° min. 
Two. Jay: Detectives, 15 amin, 
UmbreHa “Mender;; 15. min: 
geen eo at the. Vaudeville, 
Uncle tefh. WS vrthacee cs oe 5 
Who Gits:de Reward? 30 min..$ 


PM Seer Ree SME ne a ae 
CO Hoes Oe ng aie RY eas 


ROW th) 
pak pet pa he DS th 


meh 


A great number of 
Standard and Amateur Plays 
not found here are listed in 

Denison’s Catalogue 


4 eg re, ho ee ) ¥ 
ee 154 W. Randle sts briceee fae 


fot pres foent 


= 


ee a ee oe ne Sr ri ee ee a 3 
‘ 7 : ene. a 


: POS ARE IGE MED. ELLE EEA NINE PETE POMEL SES SIS ERIE OS 
ER OT DRSRLE TEBE DERE Ft AIRE ARI AR RES PE ANE EIEE 


POPULAR ENTERTAINMENT BOOKS. ‘| 


Oh ee Ca ant ca nar 


Price, Illustrated Paper Covers, 25 cents exgh.: i 


books: touching 
every feature 
in. the ©enter- 
tainment field. 
Finely ma de, 
good paper, 
clear print and 
each book has 
han. attractive 
individual cov- 
er design. 


DIALOGUES 


All. Sorts of Dialogues, 
Selected, fine for older pupils, 
Catchy Comic Dialogues, 
Very clevet; for young people. 
Children’s Comic Dialogués. 
From six to eleven years of age, 
Dialogues for District Schools. 
For country. schools. 
Dialogues from Dickens. 
Thirteen selections... . 
The Friday Afternoon Wace: 
Over 50,000 ‘copiessold. 
From Tots to Teens. 
Dialogues ‘and recitations: 
Humorous Homespun erase es: 
For. older..ones. 
Little People’s’ Plays. 
From 7 to. 13 yeats of age: 
Lively Dialogues. 
For all ages; mostly. humorous. 
Merry. Littie Dialogues, 
Thirty-eight original seléctions. 
When the Lessons are Over. 
Dialogues, drills. plays. 
Wide Awake Dialogues. 
Brand new, original, successful; 


SPEAKERS, MONOLOGUES 
Choice Pieces. for Little Peoplé. 
A. child’s speaker. 
The Comic’ Entertainer. 
. Recitations, monologues, dialogues. 
Dialect Readings. 
Irish; Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc. 
The Favorite Speaker. 
Choite. prose’ and poetry. 
Tre. Friday Afternoon 
For pupils of all ages. 
Humorous Monologues, 
Particularly fot ladies, 
Monologues for Young’ Folks. 
Clever, humorous, original. 
Monologues Grave and Gay. 
Dramatic and humorous, 
The.Patriotic. Speaker. 
Master thoughts.of master mirids, 


The Poetical Ehickt athan! 
For reading or ‘speakinge 
Pomes ov the Peepul. 
Wit, humor, satire; fanny pene 
Seren. -Book Recitations. —~— 
hoice collections, pathetic, hes 


morous, descr ah prose, 
poetry. 14 Nos., No. 25c. 
enue 


The Best Driil Book. 

Very poptiar drills.and wuttiedas 
The Favorite Book of Drills. 

Drills that. sparkle. with originality, 

Little Plays With. Drills. 

For children from 6. to 41 years.” 
The Surprise Driti Book, 

Fresh, novel, drills and marches. 


SPECIALTIES 


The Boys’. Entertainer. 
Monologues, dialogues, drills. 
Children’s Party Book, 
Invitations, decorations, 
The Days We Celebrate. 
Entertainments for all the holidays. 
Good. Things for Christmas. 
Récitations, dialogues, drills. 
Good Things for Thanksgiving. 
gem of 4 Ik. 
Good Things for. Washington 
and. Lincoln’ Birthdays, 
Little Folks’ Budget. . 
Easy pieces to speak, songs: 
One Hundred Entertainments, 
New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic. Celebrations. 
Great ‘variety of materi 
Pranks and Pastimes. 
'. Parler games for children.- 
Private Theatricals. 
How te put on-plays, 
Shadow. Pictures, Pasian: 
Charades, and how to p re, 3 
Tableaux and Scenic Read 


ew and. novel; for all eH 
Twinkling Finger and. Sway. - 
ing. Figures. . For little tots. 


Yuletide. Entertainments, 
A ‘choice Christmas coltec sates 


MINSTRELS, JOKES 


Black American Joker, 
Minstrels’ and end 


Monologues, stump speeches, 
Laughiand, via the Ha-Ha Route, 

A merry trip for fun tourists.” 
Negro Minst 


rels, 
All about thé business: 
The New Jolly Jester, 3 
Funny stories; jokes, gags, ic! 


pen ep i ll tpl ec ek ah le Sle ED 
Large Wustrated Catalogue Free 


men’s Sn 
A Bundie of Burnt Cork Cc Lit 


x4 


f Fae 

ies es 
TRF A RS RE PONDS GSAT ERY a 
. = : 


EEE I ELT MRI Ny TC 
ee, a 


